Scarleteen

(before i get started, i just want to thank those who run this website by helping others and providing extremely helpful resources and articles. they really do help, i'm learning quite a lot)

hi there! i'm a 17 year old nb fem-aligned person in a relationship with a 21 year old cis man. we're both bi, and we both have a great, loving, relationship. we have pretty great and fun sex life, too. he's my best friend and has tried his best to be there for me during my hardest times, even the times when i became overbearing. i don't know what i'd do without him. we also have a lot in common, we both love video games, fictional media, art, and cooking together. he's the best. trust me, i evaluated our relationship plenty of times. he respects me, apologizes when he needs to, very affectionate, spoils me, etc.

however, i lack confidence and worry. i guess i overthink a lot about our age gap, fearing that what i'm doing is "taboo" or something. let me try to explain, some things are very specific, so bear with me!

- 4 years in general isn't immense, and it's around the dating age i think? but still, older men are much more likely to take advantage of younger partners, this i know. the growth between 17-21 can be immense, but he never said anything like, "you're so mature for your age", or "age is just a number", or said things like "you're too young to understand", or, "this is what adults do." i hope our age gap isn't too much, i just don't want people thinking he's a predator or a nasty pedo or something

- things regarding our sex life. the age of consent in illinois is 17, so don't worry about that! but, i worry the fact we're having sex is like, oh such a gross and nasty thing! why is this older man with this young lady! he must be taking advantage of her! sort of thing. (even though we've both respectively had dating experience prior, i had sexual experience before i met him, and he was a virgin before he met me)

- to add on to the sex stuff, there was one time he crossed my sexual boundaries. not like, rape or assault or anything, goodness, more like, we were just figuring out boundaries because we never discussed them prior. (i also have overstepped sexual boundaries in the past myself, pressured him a bit without realizing, but i apologized and feel deep remorse and we talk often as possible about our boundaries. plus, he's figuring out his boundaries, too. so i guess overstepping is bound to happen? i didn't know this at the time, but even these things happen in good and loving relationships) so i guess i worry about that because these things happened, our relationship is automatically bad and he's a nasty old dude taking advantage of me.

*and another question! sorry if i sound dumb, but i wonder if this sounds like coercive behavior i should address with him about? my man loved taking showers together, and i did a few times, but i felt a little uncomfortable bc that was where he once crossed my boundaries in the past (it was only a kiss, don't worry. nothing like assault or rape, i talked about it here in this message board and he apologized sincerely and i feel a lot better about it) and like, there's no barrier of protection at all, make sense?

every time he would ask i would say, "maybe." eventually, i have told him 2 months ago, no showers until i get an iud, and he understood, because things can get real tense real fast. (i told him this a little while before i talked to him about the boundary crossed) a few weeks later he suggested if we could shower, again, i gently reminded him until i get an iud. he tried to compromise, going, "it doesn't have to be sexual." i thought hard about it, because i would like to shower again with him sometime, it's nice. but nah, i said "better safe then sorry." and he said "ok, gotcha" and left it at that. i don't think it's coercive, because i didn't feel like anything was at stake and he didn't continue to pester me after with "oh please, please? we never shower together anymore! yada yada pleaaaase" like that emotionally manipulative, guilt tripping bs. more of like, "hey just letting you know i'm down to do this if you're down" sort of thing. he hasn't mentioned taking a shower together since, esp since i talked to him about my boundary crossed. what do you think?

so yeah! overall, i'm just asking for some tips for some confidence and some of your input on my thoughts. and also to help me analyze the last 2 paragraphs. thanks guys! i'm real sorry if i'm annoying and bothersome. you guys are a real help!

It sounds like you're trying to be really thoughtful and aware of potential issues with the age difference in your relationship, and I think that's good; nothing you're saying is jumping out at me as a problem with the situation. It sounds like you've heard enough about the problems with age gaps in relationships that you might feel a little defensive or worry that people will jump to the wrong conclusion about things; is that something you've encountered a lot, when you've talked to other people about your relationship?

Sometimes people will overstep or push boundaries in relationships because they don't realize one is there, or they let their enthusiasm run the show a bit too much. It sounds like your partner may have thought something like "asking about the shower again is my way of saying I'm really excited about it, and am happy to have a totally nonsexual shower" when he asked you again, but it's reasonable that you felt like it was him pushing up against a boundary you'd set. You've talked about it, he hasn't brought it up again, and to me that sounds like an ideal way for the situation to wrap up.
I'm hearing you say that you've addressed some moments when you've both overstepped boundaries and that you're both doing that work to do better in the future, and that's great. It's one thing for someone to slip up sometimes in a relationship; that's normal. What matters more to me, I think, is how that person responds afterwards. If they talk a lot about how bad they feel but don't change their behavior, or refuse to admit that there was a problem in the first place, that's when I worry there's a bigger problem, but it doesn't sound like that's the case for your situation.

(sorry for the late reply! thanks for replying though, btw!)

yeah, i've heard lots of criticism from tumblr. like i said, i get it-- older partners are usually more experienced and more likely to take advantage of their younger partner, ESPECIALLY the older the partner is. we're both just as experienced in relationships, except for the sex part! i've had experience prior. he's a good christian boy, and his family is super religious, (not in a way that is a vessel for hate and bigotry-- just more like a traditional way) so that means they believe firmly in sex after marriage. that's another thing we talked about! good ol' religion guilt.

i have just seen some people refer to our age gap as pedophilic and nasty-- and i hope that's not true. (it's scarier to come across when you wonder what these people would tell us-- especially him. and especially because we're having sex) i don't think it's fair to label a relationship with someone in their late teens and someone in their early 20s as that sort of thing, but i sometimes fear that it's true.

i have no problem towards age gap relationships, but i definitely think there's a point where it's definitely obvious the relationship is inherently pedophilic/predatory in nature, period. like, for example, a 15 year old with a 25 year old. i also think it's crazy that people find it super acceptable for a 18 year old to date a 30+ year old, in my opinion. that's a whole different life stage, and i think, for someone that old to be interested in someone that young, that's kind of freaky. that's a kid compared to them, you know what i mean? just because they're legally an adult, doesn't mean they have all the skills and experience of someone in their 30s or something. they're a kid in the adult world. but of course i'm not discarding the fact younger folks can mature pretty fast at times and make pretty mature decisions. i've been called mature a good amount of times, but that doesn't mean i'm freaking qualified to date a MUCH OLDER person.

in terms of outside the internet-- i've never really gotten any harsh criticism. our friends love us (we have the same friend group) and never had an issue with us. our coworkers (we used to work together, that's how we met, including our friend group) also never had an issue, plus, they were able to tell that i liked him and playfully teased me for it. now that i think of it, we have experienced criticism ONCE. we were having a game of dnd and he invited one of his friends i never met, (she heard about me briefly through my boyfriend) and she never knew how old i was. she eventually asked, and i hesitantly said "17". she flipped for a sec-- but i talked to her later and she said it's all good, she was just taken aback a little.

i guess i'm mostly worried over the fact whether or not our relationship/age gap/having sex is such a nasty and taboo thing or something. i guess it's more of an opinionated thing/depends who you ask, but still, it's scary sometimes.

that's good to hear, though! i'm glad that we're both doing a good job regarding boundaries and communication. i'll try not to worry too much about that for now on!

It's totally fine to drop in and out of these conversations on whatever timelines work for you, no need to apologise

So it sounds like other people's opinions of relationships with an age gap are much more of a problem than the ACTUAL age gap in your ACTUAL relationship - is that right? It sucks when people on the internet judge you based on their own perceptions or biases rather than any real knowledge of you or your relationship and it seems like you're having to deal with a lot of shaming right now.

From everything you've described - of your relationship, the way you try to be aware of potential pitfalls and work through them together, and the real-world support that you have from your friends and family - I'm not hearing anything that makes me worry about this relationship for you just now. If the main issue is the stigma or sense of taboo then how can you combat that? Perhaps reminding yourself of some counter-messages, like that you're smart and thoughtful and get to make your own decisions about what's right for you; that your relationship is accepted by the people you care about; that it's safe and legal; that a lot of people would find it unremarkable. Do any of those help you? What can you come up with?