Scarleteen

Hey all

So I've no idea how to word this properly, so let's just see how we go!

I'm currently in a very happy and healthy relationship with a guy and we're going great. I just can't seem to get these nagging thoughts that I want to go and sleep with a woman out of my head.

I think it's coming from being bisexual and knowing that I'm attracted to women from an early age, but only having relationship and sexual experience with my partner. It almost feels like some bit of my identity scratchcard hasn't been scratched off yet, even though I know that's absolutely ridiculous and I don't judge my sexuality or anyone else's bases solely on who they've slept with. Sleeping and having a relationship with a woman just feels like an experience I need to have - not for any Official Badge of Bisexuality or anything, but it just...does.

To be clear, I'm not considering leaving or cheating on my partner. Like I say, we're in a super happy, committed relationship, but that just makes it doubly odd and actually quite frustrating that I can't just be in this relationship without fairly constantly wondering. I know I'd do this if the situation was flipped and I was in a relationship with a woman instead too.

There's probably not much of a question in here, but I guess I'm not really sure how to handle this. The obvious way to solve this would be to work out an open relationship, but I don't think either of us are comfortable with that (and it would be kind of irrelevant anyway because we're both introverted types who aren't good at starting relationships). So...any ideas on how to deal with this? I almost just needed to get this out onto paper more than anything, but I know this is a super-great community for things like this.

Cheers folks

Hi Kia,

It is definitely the case that you don't need sexual or relationship experience with women to be Officially Bisexual - and I want to emphasize that! Your sexuality is about your desires and feelings more than it's about the sex you have. It's common, I think, for people to do a lot of thinking about people they're attracted to but haven't had sexual experience with, whether that's someone of a particular gender, or presentation, or body type.

It might help to think about this the way you'd think about attraction to anyone, regardless of gender, while you're in a monogamous relationship. Partnered people can still get crushes or feel attraction to others, and there are a few ways to handle this. Some folks enjoy talking about crushes and ambient attraction with a partner; I'm not sure if you and your partner have that sort of dynamic, but it can be nice to just get those feelings out in the open. Just talking about your feelings and desires with your partner or friends, or in bisexual spaces online, might help some. Are you connected with any bisexual groups online? I can find some links for you if that's something you'd be interested in. You could do journaling about your feelings and fantasies, or explore erotica that's focused on women being intimate with each other, if you want something a little more private.

Unless you and your partner are both enthusiastic about the idea of an open relationship/polyamory in general, I wouldn't recommend pursuing that angle. Maybe if you find a specific person you're completely smitten with (it sounds like you're mostly wanting to be sexual with "a woman" in general, not a specific person you're really into; correct me if I'm wrong!) then this could be an idea to revisit, but for now I'm guessing it's not an ideal solution. (I have plenty of poly resources I could point you to if it's something you want info on at any point, though.)