Advice!

[SammyClaww]

Hello,
I have no one to talk to about this and I need to vent and receive some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now and we recently had a problem with sex and him eating me out. I got drunk a weekend ago and I've been getting flashbacks of one of the girls I hang out with on occasion and I think we had sex. Should I tell my boyfriend? Is this cheating? I'm so confused and I'd really appreciate the advice.

[Sam W]

Hi Sammyclaww,

Thank you for moving this over from text, it'll be much easier to go into details here!

To make sure I'm understanding the situation correctly, is the problem with your boyfriend performing oral sex on you that it made you recall the fact you possibly did the same thing with this girl? Or is there a separate issue?

And have you spoken to the other girl about what possibly happened between you two to see if she remembers and can help you piece together what happened?

[SammyClaww]

Well, my boyfriend has only performed oral sex on me twice during our entire two year relationship. And I confronted him about it and he said I needed to help ease him into it because he had become so comfortable with the fact that I nev we asked for it. To me this is frustrating because he mentioned doing it to previous girlfriends with no problem. It’s unfair because I do everything he wants but her can’t do this one thing for me. And then a week ago I got super drunk and had sex with this girl. To me it’s coming back in pieces and I spoke to her this morning and she said she’s feeling the same way. Mind you we are both in relationships with men and we don’t want to lose them because we love them despite our frustrations.

[SammyClaww]

Well, the whole situation started because my boyfriend would not perform oral on me. We’ve been together two years and he’s only done it twice. I’ve confronted him about it and he said he needs me to help ease it into it. He’s never had an issue doing it for his previous girlfriends. I do everything he wants but he can’t do this for me and it’s frustrating. About a week ago I went out with some friends and got super drunk. I couldn’t remember anything the days after but I keep getting flashbacks of having sex with one of my friends. I couldn’t tell if it was a dream or true until I spoke to her and she mentioned feeling the same way. We both love our boyfriends despite our frustrations. And don’t want to end things with them. I’m so confused about this issue since I’ve never had this happen before.

[Heather]

Can you fill me in a little more on what part of this you'd like our help with?

Do you want help trying to resolve the issue around oral sex in your existing relationship? Or -- or maybe it's both -- are you looking for help figuring out what to do with this friend? As well, we can talk alcohol use, especially around sex, if you'd like, too.

I can't tell if you're saying you had sex with her, by the way, because you talk about her having a feeling: I'm not seeing either of you remember being sexual together. So, if we need to be clear on that to help you out, which we probably do, can you clarify that for us? Thanks.

[SammyClaww]

I’d actually appreciate advice on oral sex and also on how I should handle this situation. I spoke to the girl and she says we did have sex. But we both don’t want to lose our partners.

[Siân]

So on the subject of the sex you had with your friend, you asked "is this cheating?". I can't answer that without knowing what the boundaries you have in your relationship with your boyfriend are. For example, have you agreed to be sexually exclusive? If yes, then you broke that agreement and that trust, so the question is what to do next. Are you going to tell your partner? What do you expect would come out of a conversation like that?

How are things between you and your friend now?

I think you have to treat the sex with your friend and the oral sex in your relationship are two separate things. It wouldn't be okay in my book to blame him and say "I cheated on you because you won't go down on me". If oral sex is something you need to be happy in your relationship then that's fine, but you get to choose whether to be in this relationship, just as you get to choose whether to have sex with other people and you really do need to take some ownership of your decisions.

You absolutely do get to address the thing with oral sex though! A couple of things you said made me wonder a little - like you say you do "everything he wants", are they things you want too? And when he talks about easing into it, is that because it's something he doesn't enjoy? Really, the sex you're having together should always be about what you BOTH actually WANT to do. Sure, sometimes there's something we think we'd enjoy but don't feel super confident and want to work up to it slowly, but we don't want anyone feeling pressured or obligated, you know?

[SammyClaww]

Absolutely, you’ve definitely eased my mind a lot. I know what I did is wrong and I’ve just been is such denial because of the fact that drinking made me dismiss my partners feeling with such ease that it scared me. I don’t want to tell him. Do you think that’s wrong of me? I know it should be his decision on whether he wants to continue this relationship but I can’t help and hope that I can bear the burden and never tell him.

I talked to my friend and she isn’t going to be telling her partner and we are both in good terms now because we don’t want to ruin our friendship due to a close friend we have together. Other than that, I will never be around her alone. Only with big groups and in public.

I also truly believe you are right. If my boyfriend doesn’t feel comfortable doing this, there is no reason for me to pressure him into doing so. He usually is very good with feedback and just this once when I brought up this topic did he get a little anxious. I feel better about this part of my problem. Thank you.

[Sam W]

Hi Sammyclaw,

It remains up to you whether or not to tell him, but there are a few things to keep in mind. The tricky thing about keeping big secrets in relationships is that, over time, they end up eroding the relationship in some way. Either because you feel guilt building up and then release it in odd ways, or because your partner can sense that something is up. Too, as you hinted at, it's more respectful to give him information that is relevant to whether he wants to stay in the relationship than to try and hide it.

You mention being a little scared at the effects alcohol had on your choices. Do sex and alcohol overlap often for you? Or was this the first time?

[SammyClaww]

Thank you so much for the advice. I have a lot to think about today. I know this might ruin us, I’m just afraid it’ll break me.

This is my second time. I’ve had alcohol and had sex with my boyfriend and I couldn’t remember it happened at all. Until I woke up naked next to him. He apologized because he didn’t realize I was that drunk. But this is my first time happening with someone other than my partner.

[Sam W]

You're very welcome. If it helps to know, often when we end up sharing a big secret like this it may lead to some sucky consequences at first, but we often end up feeling better in the long run because we're not being weighed down by it or living in fear of that secret being found out.

If it would be helpful, we could talk about some ways to adjust your limits or habits around drinking and sex, since it sounds like these situations have been (understandably) disorienting and stressful for you (it's also a bit concerning that your boyfriend didn't notice you were seriously drunk in that instance; when someone is the kind of drunk where they end up not remembering big chunks of the night, that's going to be obvious in their behavior and a sign that they're not in a place where consent can be clearly established).

[SammyClaww]

Yes, it actually would be helpful. I don’t drink too often but when I do I generally maintain a steady buzz. The last few times where I’ve forgotten what happened I have been encouraged to drink more.

[Sam W]

Okay! So, for starters, are there specific people in your life who are the ones who encourage you to drink more? And, when that happens, does it feel like it's something you can comfortably push back against, or does part of you worry about what will happen if you decline?

[SammyClaww]

I think it’s just my friends who want us to be intoxicated to some lever in order to have fun. I know if I pushed back I wouldn’t receive any push back but sometimes it feels like I would be left out of the group if I don’t follow along.

[Sam W]

Got it. If alcohol is a big part of what you and your friends go out, it can definitely feel like pushing back against that, even if it's just, "No, thanks, I've had enough for tonight" is going to result in being left out in some way. Would it help to come up with some basic things to say to help you start maintaining a boundary around how much (if any) you want to drink when you're with friends? Too, do you think it'd work to find some ways to hang out with friends where drinking just wouldn't really be on the table?

[SammyClaww]

Yes actually, that sounds like I’d help me be better prepared for this kind of situation. I’ve been trying to have us go out to more movies and social events that don’t require drinking and it seems to be working a little better.

[Sam W]

Okay! So, in addition to what you're already doing in encouraging your friend group to do non-drinking things, there are a few ways to practice setting boundaries around other people's influence on your drinking. One thing that can help is to make it clear that you're setting these limits for yourself, not trying to make other peoples drinking choices for them. That can be especially helpful if your social circle is one where people may take you saying, "no more for me, thanks" as "I am judging you for having more."

In terms of tools and phrasing for those conversations, this article is a great starting place: Be Your Own Superhero: Learning How and When to Stand Up for Ourselves. Looking at that article, are there any things you think you could use?

[SammyClaww]

Absolutely! Thank you for that article. I think I can definitely implement the theee strike rule on situations like this. Although I’ll probably be practicing in front of the mirror quite often! Thank you again for all your help!

[Sam W]

You're so welcome, and I'm glad the article was helpful!