The HPV conversation

[Cfp]

I am 20 and have recently entered a new relationship. I have never been sexually active until now and we have not had intercourse, but we have engaged in oral sex and other types of intimacy that doesn’t involve penetration. About a month ago my gynecologist found warts on my labia and i found some on my tongue. I took a test and was diagnosed with low risk HPV. The facr that this is my first sexual partner makes me be almost sure that he is the one who infected me. Now I don’t know what should i do or how should i have this conversation with him . I want to know if the fact of him having it poses a chance of reinfection or if the fact of us sharing HPV until our immune systems clear it out is completely normal , possible and healthy . I am kind of worried about adressing this situation.

[Heather]

Hey there, Cfp, sorry you're having to deal with this.

By all means, if you have never had this kind of intimate contact with anyone else, this is the person you've acquired it from. I think you can be 100% sure, unless this isn't the only person you've had these kinds of contact with.

Once you have HPV, you have HPV. It's not guaranteed, but most likely, your body will shed it sometime within the next ten years or so. That doesn't mean you can't ever get it again.

What would you like to talk to him about? Your feelings about acquiring this? How you would like to manage safer sex and sexual healthcare in this relationship moving forward? You say you feel worried abouttalking to him: can you tell me a little bit about why?

[Cfp]

I was wondering if now that I have it i should talk to him about it and well, in case he doesn’t know, tell him that he has it.
And then I was wondering if our sexual contact has to change or if it can continue to happen. Plus if we ever decided to have intercourse (of course using condoms) is this okay or is there any risk ?

I think it worries me because it is not an easy subject and I don’t really think he knows he has it and I don’t know how he is going to feel and how are we going to manage it.
Thank you!

[Heather]

For sure, I think you need to let him know. Ideally, before you two got sexual at all, you would have had a conversation about STIs and both of your histories with STI testing. Obviously that didn't happen: I'd encourage you, with future partners -- and with this guy, now -- to have that conversation. You'll want to talk with any sexual partner you have (again, including this guy) about when you/they were last tested, and for what. You can also ask if someone has ever been diagnosed with an STI and then ask for more information if needed from there (like, if so, which one? Did they get/are they getting any available treatment?).

Too, you'll want to talk about safer sex practices. For instance, just because you got HPV here doesn't mean that's the only possible STI in the mix: I'd suggest you talk about a minimum of using barriers for any intercourse, should that happen, as well as what you want to do around safer sex with oral sex or any other sexual practices you take part in that carry STI risks.

You don't have to stop being sexual with this person if you don't want to. But since it sounds like they're a new partner, ideally you want to be using safer sex practices (yes, including now) unless/until you've been with someone, and they you, exclusively for at least six months AND after you both get a new STI screening.

In terms of how he might feel if you tell him about the HPV and he doesn't know, it's not on you to manage his feelings: that's for him to do. With a conversation like this, I'd just be plain about it and then take it from there, both just generally being kind, supportive people to each other. Are you worried he is going to react badly, like getting angry or accusing you?

[Cfp]

Where can STI screenings be taken?

Yes well, ideally he would be understanding and even more because he is the one who i acquired HPV from. But as you said , he is indeed a new partner and it does scare me that he doesn’t react the way he should to this situation.

[Heather]

In Mexico (as is the case in most countries), you can get tested through your GP. Some pharmacies and labs also offer testing (though I believe it's more expensive that way).

In terms of your fears about how he'll react, has he given you any reason to suspect he lacks maturity, care for you, and a sense of responsibility about himself? I ask because if he has all of those things, he is unlikely to react poorly. If anything -- especially if, as the only experienced person here, he didn't do things to prevent this, like getting tested and using condoms -- I'd expect him to feel bad about this, not be angry at you for just telling him what's happened.

If he DOES lack any and all of those things, do you really want to stay involved with this person? In other words, lacking any or all of those things would suggest to me I probably shouldn't be sleeping with that person, period, and that maybe when I tell them something like this, I might want to just drop it and then get gone, you know?

[Cfp]

But is testing for HPV possible for males? I think I read it wasn’t or wasn’t as easy as for females. And I also read condoms cannot prevent HPV as safely as other STI’s.

Anyway, about talking to him, I know it is the right thing to do, and I will. I just feel a bit nervous.

[Heather]

What a healthcare provider can do for people with a penis is do a visual exam, but can also test for all other STIs (don't forget that just because you only have HPV now, you can still catch others!). He should go get tested for ALL STIs he can get tested for (you too, obviously).

What do you feel like might help you feel less nervous about talking with him?