Scarleteen

Hello everyone,

I'm in a tough spot with a good friend of mine (let’s say Carroll) that I've known for about a year at college. Early this past freshman year we both hit it off really well, and she's a great person. We both seemed to like each other for a while but we both got cold feet around the first third of the year. Thinking about a relationship with her, I constantly came to the conclusion that I was happy with my lifestyle, and starting a relationship wouldn't be preferable (I haven't gotten into too many relationships). However, with sophomore year approaching, our living situations seem to be more compatible, and my attitude towards a relationship with her has changed to be more positive.

Over the course of the year, things weren't really awkward and we are still good friends. However, at several points near the end of the year, there were points where it seemed like she was talking to her friends about me and laughing about it. I wouldn't consider her gossipy, it seems like the people she hangs with always want to discuss things in secret with her. This might be me just being paranoid (I'm not the center of their universe lol), but there were also points where my own friends poked fun about the whole situation to me (in the presence of her, ugh) and she seemed to think it was funny as well. To be more specific, she didn't really join in on the joke, she just kinda whispered something to her friends shortly after, finding it amusing.

Thus, I'm in a sticky situation. To be honest with myself, I've found it hard to get over her. I'm not sure if we're both still in the stage of cold feet, or if she's gotten over me and thinks of me as a joke to her friends. I know a lot of this is paranoia, but I want to be able to get closure on this, since all I feel when talking to her sometimes is that I'm a big joke to her. My main point is how to clarify this with her given this worry. It's hard to clarify with her because for all I know, it's the latter and things will only become more awkward by speaking to her, furthering her attitude and preconceptions. She's a great friend and if she's truly moved on, then I don't want to hinder our future as friends. But if she does have feelings, it’s something I don’t want to ignore.

Thank you!

Hi there EngelsK, welcome to Scarleteen.
It does sound like there's some uncertainty between you and your friend in terms of how she feels about you (and perhaps that uncertainty is mutual). It sounds like you're a little nervous about asking her about her feelings directly, but that's really going to be the only way to know how she feels!

I'm not entirely sure from your post here: are you wanting specifically to know if she's interested in a dating relationship, or wanting a more general affirmation that you're still close friends in the way you were before? If you're interested in a relationship, that's pretty good to be direct about; you could ask her if she's interested in going on a date with you, or in a relationship. If you're wondering about the state of your friendship, you could ask about that directly but you could also try to initiate more one-on-one hangouts, or talk a bit more about how things are going for her and seeing if she is up for more personal or emotionally intimate conversations.

Is there anything about the way she treats you that makes you worry she sees you as a joke, other than the conversations she's having with other people that you can't really hear or know the focus of? If she's being actively unkind in other ways, that's certainly a problem, but I don't know if that's something you're noticing in her behavior or not.

Ultimately I think a good friendship is likely to survive an "are you romantically interested in me?" conversation, even if the answer is no. There may be a little bit of awkwardness for a while, but many strong friendships can get past that awkwardness fairly quickly. I think talking to your friend is probably the best option here; if nothing else having that conversation can make things more clear to you so you aren't getting caught up in a lot of "what if" thoughts.

Mo wrote:Hi there EngelsK, welcome to Scarleteen.
It does sound like there's some uncertainty between you and your friend in terms of how she feels about you (and perhaps that uncertainty is mutual). It sounds like you're a little nervous about asking her about her feelings directly, but that's really going to be the only way to know how she feels!

I'm not entirely sure from your post here: are you wanting specifically to know if she's interested in a dating relationship, or wanting a more general affirmation that you're still close friends in the way you were before? If you're interested in a relationship, that's pretty good to be direct about; you could ask her if she's interested in going on a date with you, or in a relationship. If you're wondering about the state of your friendship, you could ask about that directly but you could also try to initiate more one-on-one hangouts, or talk a bit more about how things are going for her and seeing if she is up for more personal or emotionally intimate conversations.

Is there anything about the way she treats you that makes you worry she sees you as a joke, other than the conversations she's having with other people that you can't really hear or know the focus of? If she's being actively unkind in other ways, that's certainly a problem, but I don't know if that's something you're noticing in her behavior or not.

Ultimately I think a good friendship is likely to survive an "are you romantically interested in me?" conversation, even if the answer is no. There may be a little bit of awkwardness for a while, but many strong friendships can get past that awkwardness fairly quickly. I think talking to your friend is probably the best option here; if nothing else having that conversation can make things more clear to you so you aren't getting caught up in a lot of "what if" thoughts.

Thanks for the warm welcome!

I guess my nervousness is coming into play with your questions in your second paragraph. I'm trying to have my cake and eat it too haha.

As for behavior that would worry me, it might be a stretch, but maybe when I actively try and message her she can be pretty hard to continue a conversation with (lots of "Yeah"s and "Definitely"s etc.). I know a lot of people in general are like this but that might signify that she wants to end the conversation quickly. Again I might be getting in my own head, as when I'm in person, she's pretty good and fun to keep conversations with.

My plan in my head would be to get more casual hangouts going and then slowly working my way to asking her about the state of our romantic relationship. When doing so, would you recommend acknowledging my fear of not being taken seriously? Or would be accusatory and a red flag?

Thank you for your response, I've been trying to find some good help and this has really helped.

Hi EngelsK,

I think your plan of hanging out more to gauge how she's feeling and how the interactions between you two go is a solid one. When it comes to acknowledging your fears about being taken seriously, as long as you don't frame it in a way that's accusatory it's not a red flag or something you should avoid discussing. After all, if you want to have an ongoing relationship with someone, be that a friendship or a romantic relationship, you want it to be a space where you can say if something is worrying you, you know?