Scarleteen

this is a bit of both of a vent-y and wanting advice sort of post-- mainly vent. sometimes... i am unsure of what to do with my feelings and confusion, and this place really helps. you guys are awesome. a warning-- this is a little long, i'm mostly rambling and i'm worried that i have acted wrongly, i guess.

anyway-- let's begin. so, me and my boyfriend often fondle and you know, "screw around" as often as we can. but when we do screw around, it's typically always him, and only him, having an orgasm; and i do all the work. i'm not sure how familiar you guys are with terminology of "top", "bottom", "verse" etc. but i'm a top and he's my bottom, (he's a verse with more bottom tendencies) and we tops love and get off to our partners squirming in pleasure, we like to take control of all that. like 85% of the time i leave without orgasm. (but he does try to provide me some pleasure-- touching me in sensitive areas, kissing, praise, etc.) i'm mostly ok with that, i find a lot of joy making him feel good and i get off seeing him like that. but you know, sometimes i want to be pleasured and orgasm, too.

problem is, he has no sexual experience prior before me, and female bodies are pretty demanding in terms of orgasm. trying to make someone with a penis orgasm vs trying to make someone with a vagina orgasm is pretty different. oral on a vagina-- in my opinion-- is a skill. you gotta keep consistency and find the sweet spot and stick with it! and a lot of the time, people with vaginas need more stimulation other then just their genital area to have a great orgasm! (but again-- this is just an opinion)

it's not like he doesn't want to pleasure me, it's simply just he lacks the confidence, has no experience, and we don't have a lot of time. i can easily pleasure him and make him orgasm no problem, i know what he likes and it's fun. however, with me, it takes pretty long. i have to use my own hands to assist him with giving me an orgasm. i try to tell him what feels good, what doesn't, etc. but we often have to stop or can't go farther because we're out of time and/or i don't feel clean down there. so he hasn't really had too much time and opportunities to explore what feels good for me.

a little while ago, he offered to try oral on me for his first time, (this was also my first time receiving oral, and i was excited!) and i shower and trim + shave a little, first thing in the morning, to make the process a little easier and less intimidating for him. it was pretty disappointing. he gave me two little licks and backed off, saying it smelled and tasted weird and he couldn't control his gag reflex. i understood and hugged him and assured him it's fine, (but he protested a bit and said "i want to do this for you" ) it was his first time trying to give oral, first thing he tasted in the morning, and he's one of those people who tend to have higher senses. the taste and smell was reasonably overwhelming at the time. (at the end, i did have an orgasm, but again, it was an assisted one)

he often brought up trying again, because he does really want to explore my body and be able to pleasure me, but we haven't been able to get to it at those times for a few reasons. (not enough time; it takes me 30 minutes tops to make him orgasm, no privacy, my period, etc.) so, the perfect opportunity was recent! his mom was out of town for the week. but for most of it, i was on my period! so we had like, 3 or 2 days left until she returned, something like that. once i got off my period, we planned (on last tuesday) that he gives me oral the next day, and i would shower right before he comes back from work.

(also, a detail i guess i should add is that one of our good friends was staying over at his house for that week, he is homeless and took the opportunity for shelter and food.)

3 days ago, (i believe last wednesday) before he returned from work, i took the time to shower and get nice and clean for him. my boyfriend was supposed to get off at 7, but he returned at 8:30 ish, so he was a little late, and i was beginning to get worried that we wouldn't have time because my curfew is 11. his mood seems to be kinda bad. me and our friend who is staying over begin to go off about something we were passionate about, and i notice my boyfriend becoming more agitated as he prepares something to eat. we were both loud and i haven't realized.

eventually we all finish eating, our friend goes off and he starts playing the piano and started recording, it was raining hard that day, and honestly, it was really pretty sounding-- the rain and the piano together. but i became more worried, as it was like, 10 at the time.

i become a little anxious and say out loud, "hey, i'm gonna go down to your room", to give a signal. he continues to play. i play music out loud on my phone. eventually, he comes down his room and i get excited, thinking he was gonna do it.

he just tells me, "come upstairs with me".

confused, and a little agitated, i say, "i'm tired. i just kind of want to seclude myself, lay down and listen to music."

"come on, you can just sit right to me and relax." he says.

i say "no", and he looks even more agitated.

"fine." he says and goes back upstairs, continuing to play the piano.

i laid there for a couple minutes, and i got worried as the time began to tick. i eventually went upstairs to check on him, and i bring my phone with me with my music. (i did want to spend time with him, after all) he becomes annoyed at me playing my music and says, "can you turn that off now?"

"fine-- let me get my earbuds." was my reply.

i forgot that he finds putting in earbuds rude, especially in the context where he's playing music.

i sigh and sit beside him, being mindful of his music. he pets my head and says he loves me. when he stopped playing, i remind him of his offer.

he goes "oh-- right." --a sigh-- "sometimes things don't go as planned."

i got really frustrated and sat there for one more minute, getting up and going back to his room as subtly as possible, without showing too much that i am upset. i sit down and continue to play music, and honestly? i was mad, disappointed, and angry. i love going down on him, it makes me happy to see him feel good-- but that doesn't mean i don't want to orgasm, either. i pleasure him all the time, i don't ask him to shower, i don't have to "plan" when i go down on him. i just want to be able to experience that kind of pleasure, too. look, i'm not saying sex = love, of course it isn't, you can express love in other ways. but for real though, you can project your love when having sex with someone, and i try really hard to show it during sex. i go slow and tender, i caress and stroke him lovingly in other areas-- and he knows and realizes that. i took the time to know what he likes, because i love him. and from what he's expressed, he wants to do that, too.

so yeah, i'm sitting down, frustrated. i kinda wanted to cry. when i become frustrated, the feeling of wanting to cry comes along. (i was pretty bummed out in general) he comes down into his room and lays down next to me, i don't really talk much to him, i'm playing music, and scrolling through social media. every time he speaks to me, i simply reply with "mhm" and "ok." when i become upset at my partner, i do this thing which i call, "shut down mode". a toxic habit i picked up from my past relationship. when that happens, i become very cold and shut off, and i think my brain does that to prevent conflict from arising. (when in reality, i know that causes more problems to arise) i'm working on that, and he's been very patient about that. he's aware of my toxic ex.

i can tell he's also not feeling great, eventually though, he says he has to take me home and i get up and begin to get ready. on the drive home, it was quiet, tension was built up. i still felt like i wanted to cry. he parks near my house, and i guess i wanted to express what i felt. i don't want to leave feeling angry with my partner, you know? there's a possibility that they could get in an accident on the way home, you know? something could happen to them, and you never want to leave like that.

so i tell him essentially what i was feeling and had explained prior-- how i always go down on him and that i love it-- but i sometimes want to feel pleasured too, that i never ask him to shower for me beforehand, etc etc. i told him that i wasn't intending to guilt trip him, but i still worry that i did. from what i've seen, when your partner doesn't want to perform sexual acts, you should never be upset about that because that can be guilt trippy or coercive or whatever... but i honestly couldn't help feeling like that. it honestly felt unfair and i felt cheated. he says he was gonna do something for me, and i was really excited for it! of course he doesn't owe me sex, but at the same time i feel like it's common courtesy. if your partner happily goes down on you, you should do the same at least sometimes! but did i do something wrong by feeling and expressing these emotions?

he eventually has like, a mini breakdown that he never got anything done that he needed to do (mow the lawn, fix his mother's bike, wash his mother's car, etc), that he hasn't had quiet in a while, and all his free time has been taken up by us, especially our friend staying at his place, our friend decided to invite his own friends on my boyfriend's day off, and he obliges and cooks a meal for them, (i help him cook) i hug him and tell him it's ok, that it doesn't help that both of us are frustrated over many things.

he expresses how i do so much for him and i get all ready for him, and he wasn't able to do it. i say it's ok and i continue to hug him. he has to go and wake up early the next day, so i tell him i love him, get out, and start walking home. i start crying because i still felt frustrated... i guess i completely dropped my feelings to comfort him. like, hey, it's ok that he didn't give me oral, he was overwhelmed with other things... but i still felt hung out, you know?

yesterday, (friday) when his mom was gonna come home, we planned to hang out early at his house to relax and maybe sleep together, then work on his yard together before he went to work to help him out. i wanted to help him feel less overwhelmed.

we were relaxing on his bed together, and we start screwing around and he orgasms. but now, it was time he got up and do the yard work before he went to work. he was pretty comfy and relaxed, reluctant to get out of bed.

i say, to encourage him to get out of bed, "hey, do you want to shower together? i can help you wash your hair." (he LOVES showers together)

he says, "how about i do the yard work, the i eat you out in the shower?"

"on god?" i reply.

"yeah." he assures.

never ever have i got up so fast. we get up and go get a snack before heading out, but i became worried of the time. i hurried him a little, just so we had time, you know?

so yeah, we go out and do what needs to be done. but we're in a bit of a time limit, he started work at 12 that day, and it was nearly 11 when he finished. when he was nearly done with the lawn, i got the shower ready. i get all nice and clean pretty fast, just to get out of the way. he comes in eventually, and we're keeping track of time. we talk and all that, and he asks me the time. it's 11:45, and he says "yeah, i gotta get out."

i become instantly disappointed and upset, we step out and dry ourselves up. he tries to talk to me, but the more time that passed, i became more upset. he noticed and said, "are you ok?"

"no, i'm honestly like, angry, disappointed, and sad."

he says, "i know, i'm sorry we didn't have time. i know you were looking forward to it, and i was too."

"it's ok. it's not your fault."

it's really not his fault, he had to work, i know this, and that is fine, but i just couldn't shake off the feeling. shut down mode was kicking in. he continued to try to talk to me, being sweet and loving and apologetic. when i get upset, i need some time to feel it and not try to shut it down like i did prior, so i still felt upset after he apologized. i went to his room and laid down, he came after me to try to talk to me some more. every time he said something, all i could pretty much respond with was, "ok."

"is that all you're gonna say?" he asks.

"that's all i can pretty much say right now." was my reply.

all he could pretty much say at this point was, "i love you."

"i love you too." i replied.

"that wasn't an, 'ok'!" he said.

"just because i'm upset doesn't mean i don't stop loving you."

he had to go, though, but i instantly wanted to hug him and kiss him before he left, so i called for him, and i did.

we're cool now, i got over it pretty quick. he also said "next time mom's out, it's all about you, ok?" but i guess i worry the way i acted was manipulative, coercive, guilt tripping, etc. i would never force him to do things he didn't want to/have time to do. but i felt hung out and just left there, and i don't know if the way i acted was reasonable and acceptable. i'm gonna talk to him maybe later about it, most likely, but am i a shitty partner for acting like this? the idea of being coercive to my favorite human in this universe makes me feel so, so bad.

Hey there, Babey. You're right, this is a lot all in one post. But that's okay! Unfortunately, I have to run out the door shortly, and I can't take all of this in and give it the attention it deserves in the time I have this morning.

I'll be back later this afternoon and can work with you then if another team member hasn't come and tended to you before me. Hang in there.

hey, thank you for taking the time to read. don't sweat it, you are a busy person.

i guess another thing i should've added into the post, was when he tried to comfort and apologize to me i said a few times "it doesn't matter." might be an important detail, i don't know

but thank you!

Hi Babey,

There's a few different things that jump out at me in this post. Would it be accurate to say that, even though you get pleasure from things like performing oral sex on him, you're starting to feel like you're not getting as much pleasure from your interactions as he is and that this is frustrating?

It also sounds a little like oral sex on you has become this Thing, one that's starting to create far more pressure (on both of you) and disappointment than excitement and enjoyment. Can you give me a sense of if there are other things that he could do (manual sex, using toys on you, etc) that would be pleasurable and maybe lead to orgasm for you? I ask because that may take the pressure off the next time you two are together because oral is just one of the many options available to you. It sounds like oral on you almost became a thing hanging over your heads, like it had to happen in order for the day to have been a success and that left you both feeling stressed or disappointed.

Too, it's helpful to think about what options there are in terms of pleasure for you besides oral in the even that it really, truly, is not a thing he enjoys and feels okay doing. While it might feel uneven or unfair at first, the truth is that reciprocity in sex looks different than we sometimes expect (I like how this article explains it: Reciprocity, Reloaded). Sometimes a partner simply isn't comfortable with a certain activity, and we have to learn how to be okay with that. That being said, if the two of you are both interested in you receiving oral sex, a dental dam is one way to address some of the sensory issues that he's had.

yeah, that is accurate to say. it's not like he's reciprocating at all, he touches me in sensitive areas and kisses me and praises me. but what i'm trying to say is that i simply crave more orgasms.

oh performing oral doesn't feel like a chore or something that has to happen for the day to be good, it's just something i love to do for him. sure, he could do manual sex and use toys, but oral is something i would really, really want in return someday. another thing is, i'm too scared of him touching me down there when i haven't showered very recently, i'm talking at least 3 hours. i feel... musty, if you will. i just don't want to gross him out. (funny, i'll do things for him even when he hasn't showered quite recently)

yeah, as i said, he is interested in performing oral. and he actually feels bad he's never really been able to perform it on me. (bc of time, period, etc.) he's expressed wanting to make me feel good and explore my body. he's actually only done it to me once, and that was a sad first time... 2 little licks, then he backed off because of the taste + smell. i wasn't mad at that time, either. i understood, because like i said, it was the morning and the first thing he tasted + smelled that day... next time he tries it on me, and he really, really just can't handle the taste and smell, dental dams it is. that was his first time, after all.

i guess i'm just so mad at myself and i feel really guilty in terms of my behavior. even if i wasn't intending to coerce him and get him to do oral on me those two times i got upset, my behavior might be considered guilt trippy or coercive, even if those weren't my intentions. like, to be honest? i feel so evil and ashamed of myself. i have borderline tendencies, (bpd is a very possible diagnosis) so sometimes, my behavior when i become upset can be bad. i don't consider myself a manipulative person, but because of my tendencies, when i shut down and become upset, my behavior can be guilt trippy. the silent treatment is not nice, but i'm working on that. that's just my brain trying to protect me. i also have severe anxiety, so i question myself all the time. i'll be thinking, "i was just angry and upset because i was really looking forward to it." but my brain goes, "you fucking monster, you might've been trying to coerce him to do it by being angry!"

i really, really hope that wasn't the case. i think i was just disappointed, and i know i wouldn't enjoy sex if we were both upset. but i'm honestly so terrified of that being a possibility. either way, i don't feel irredeemable. i'm gonna apologize later to him, i'm gonna read this out to him-- what do you think?

"hey, i'm sorry for the way i acted when you weren't able to go down on me those 2 times. for the 1st time, i knew you weren't feeling well and were overwhelmed by other things. even though i wasn't trying to manipulate you, i understand my behavior can be considered guilt trippy when i shut down and give you the silent treatment, and that's not ok. i was upset because i was really looking forward to it-- but that doesn't mean i want you feeling like you owe me any sexual favors. instead of just sitting there and giving you the silent treatment when you were clearly feeling bad yourself, i wish i laid down next to you and held you and asked you what was wrong. the 2nd time, i knew it was stupid for becoming upset because we ran out of time, trust me! i knew! you had to go to work and there's no way you're gonna be late because of eating me out. again, it was just disappointed because i really looked forward to it. but i know in the future there will be plenty of opportunities for you to try. so i'm really sorry, you're a really great and loving boyfriend and you mean the entire world to me. i'm so sorry, i love you."

That apology sounds pretty good! What I think you may also want to say, either in the same conversation or another one that you have soon, is some of what you've said here: that you feel like you're putting a lot of effort (even if you love doing it, it is effort!) into prioritizing his pleasure during sex and you aren't feeling that level of effort from him which is making you feel more frustrated about sex in general.