To Tell or Not To Tell: That is the Question

[livelaughdance7]

So about five months ago, I was raped as a virgin. I was studying abroad in Europe at the time and came back to the States just a few days later. I was a wreck once I got back, and ended up having sex with some random guy while drowning my sorrows in alcohol. Big stupid mistake, I know, but I just wanted to stop feeling and forget for a bit, and alcohol seemed a good place to turn for that. The problem is that now I am in a new relationship with this fantastic guy. But both of us are very religious, and I'm afraid to tell him about what happened, that he'll judge me for not waiting until I was married to have sex because of what happened once I got back to the US, or that he'll treat me differently once he knows I'm a victim. I feel like I'm lying to him by keeping it a secret. I do want to tell him, but I don't want to sabotage the relationship before it's barely started, or for him to treat me any differently or feel like he has to walk on eggshells around me. I feel like I'm damaged goods even though I know being raped was not my fault. What should I do? Should I tell him right off the bat before I get any more emotionally invested in the relationship in case he turns out to be a dick, or wait until it gets more serious before telling him?

[Redskies]

Welcome to the boards.

Per telling him at all, or now or later, I think it's entirely about what you want and what you feel best about. I don't think we're obligated to tell a partner details about our sexual history - beyond being responsible about our own and their health, for example - and we're certainly not obligated to tell a partner about something we didn't choose, like an assault. It's not lying to simply not share something that was traumatic or personal, particularly when we're in something that's still fairly new and we're still learning about whether this is a person and a relationship where we even want to get that close to them.

Both wanting to tell him sooner so that you have more information about who he is, or wanting to leave it longer so that you have more information about whether he's likely a safe person for you to tell are both absolutely reasonable things. There's no one right or better answer: it depends what feels better to you, and what you think will help you feel safer, more supported and more at peace.

If you choose to tell him sooner or later, there's some things that will probably help you to put in place first. You don't have to launch in all at once: you might bring up either sexual assault or sexual behaviour with him generally and see what he thinks and says, to give you more information about whether he'd be someone you feel like you can tell. If he seems not-terrible with the subjects but perhaps under-informed or misinformed about some things, it might be an opportunity to fill in any significant pieces he's missing, either yourself or by directing him to some decent information. I'd also think about your own support system: who might you be able to lean on or rely on about this, for example, friends, or a counsellor, or your local rape crisis organisation? Sadly, sometimes people don't respond well to that kind of information, and it's much harder to deal with someone's bad reaction all by ourselves, particularly if and when we're still in a place where we're still working through our own feelings. Even when someone turns out to be great and really comes through for us, telling them can still be scary or challenging and they might need time to process it and have their own feelings, and having someone in our own corner just for us can be invaluable.

Too, you're So Not damaged goods. Someone else hurt you, and you are every bit as wonderful as you ever were before that. If you don't feel good about some of your choices or experiences after that: rape is a traumatic thing to go through, and we are allowed to respond to trauma imperfectly. We're allowed to be messed up and do things we wouldn't normally do, or wind up in situations that we wouldn't really choose or like. Again, none of that changes any of the wonderful that you already were.

Have you had trained support about the assault, and if not, is that something you'd be interested in?