Scarleteen

I'm really frustrated to be honest. My boyfriend is the only guy I've ever been able to orgasm with. However this last year, I find it really difficult to orgasm and I don't know why. Sex still feels wonderful, and I'm not always expecting an orgasm, but I know that when I don't it really gets to him because he feels like he's failed somehow. This was just compounded when we were fooling around and he was touching me down there, which unlike with actual sex has usually always resulted in an orgasm. however today, although I was so close I just couldn't get there, and he was so frustrated afterwards. I should probably mention that 2 weeks ago we had a miscarriage of our first baby. I don't know if that's got anything to do with why tonight I just couldn't finish, despite being really into it and so close. I just want to know how I can push through this, because I'm sick of making my boyfriend feel like he's disappointed me, even though I constantly reassure him that if I finish amazing, if I don't that's fine too as I love the experience. Can anyone advise me at all?

Hi Bridget!

It sounds like this has been a stressful and frustrating time!

You mention having had a miscarriage and I wouldn't be surprised if this has an effect on how you're feeling about sex now.

However it sounds like you're receiving increasing pressure from your boyfriend to orgasm. I think this is clearest when you say "I'm sick of making my boyfriend feel like he's disappointed me". You aren't making your boyfriend feel any way. If he's getting all his confidence from your orgasm then this sounds much more based in how his brain is thinking, rather than what your body is doing.

Have you spoken about why he is feeling the way he is? Especially when you've been clear that you are really enjoying everything.

It's very common to be more turned on and more into sex earlier on in a relationship. This is usually referred to as limerence or "new relationship energy" and includes feeling more 'lovey' too, but it changes with time and relationships that go past that phase need to adapt. So there may always be things you either enjoy less or which become less likely to lead to you having an orgasm than they did earlier on in your relationship.

If you and your boyfriend (particularly him!) can find ways to communicate the ways you appreciate each-other, and acknowledge each other, without it being tied to when and how you orgasm: that seems to me like the way to go!

I came in early today, Bridget, expressly to reply to you.

I totally agree with all that Jacob has said here, but I want to add a few things.

For one, I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. If you'd like to talk about it or how you're feeling about it, I'd be glad to do that with you. From a personal place, even as someone whose miscarriages have happened in the context of unwanted pregnancies, I still know the wide range of challenging feelings they can present. I very much hope your partner is giving you real room and space and support around this, particularly since a miscarriage is really something that both happens to and tends to most impact the person whose body it happened in. He may have his own feelings about it, but at the end of the day, it was something that happened much more to you than him.

I'd also add that needing at least a few weeks or more to process that before being sexual again (in any way, not just intercourse: all kinds of sex are "actual" sex, and all kinds of them can feel difficult or not quite right when you're still processing feelings about a pregnancy loss) is very, very common. Do you want to be sexual again yet?

The big reason I wanted to come in and talk to you is that I see you asking us what YOU can do here, but, in fact, it appears the person who has the most work to do here is your boyfriend. It's him who most needs to change this idea that he's responsible for your orgasm (again, he's not: just like with the miscarriage, this is about YOUR body, not his), and him who needs to change the way he's looking for sexual self-esteem in it. By all means, pleasing our partners tends to make us all feel good but a) we can do that with or without orgasm, and b) we can't be so invested in that that it puts the kind of pressure on a partner like you're experiencing.

Not only does trying to orgasm often make it much more difficult to do so, but truly, you shouldn't feel like you have to deliver an orgasm for someone else. Your orgasm -- which is an involuntary response, for the record, so not really something ANYONE can "make" happen, including the person whose body it happens in! -- should be something that gets to mostly be about and for you. I think this is maybe the place where you have your own work to do: getting yourself to understand and accept that, and then be able to make clear to any partner who puts you under pressure to come that that just isn't okay and also isn't something that really supports you two having satisfying sexual experiences.

How do you feel about all of that and what Jacob said, as well?

Hi Guys,

Thank you for your responses, they honestly made me feel so much better. They have given me the confidence to talk to my boyfriend about how he's made me feel. He was extremely apologetic and explained that he just wants me to feel good. I told him that right now I'm not in the right place emotionally to be sexual with him, that I need time. He was very understanding and supportive which is what I needed.

I'm just scared that my miscarriage has took something else from me aswell as my baby. When we were having sex there was a time I was very close, but then another time I didn't feel anything, despite using my vibrator, I felt nothing. I'm scared that I'm never going to enjoy it again, and it's not my boyfriend's fault I'm still extremely attracted to him. But I don't know, the last time I felt nothing. I don't want this to affect my relationship. I want to be able to enjoy it again but I don't know how. I've said I need a break and time, but what if I can't come back from this?

I feel like going to "what if it never changes" when it's only been a couple to a few weeks is super premature, and I can't see how going there would be particularly helpful. Do you want to talk about why you think you're taking yourself there, and why you feel like you want to entertain that right now?

Frankly, I think you'd be a lot better served focusing on the present moment: on your own feelings, the whole range of them, about the miscarriage and this relationship and sex right now. I think that really focusing on your feelings probably will also be the better road to lead you to what you might need to move forward and to reclaim your sexuality and your sex life. You might also want to focus some of the fear it sounds like you're having about taking and needing a break: why do you think you're worried that not having or wanting sex for a bit could mean never wanting or enjoying it again?

Too, has your boyfriend talked with you at all about any feelings of loss or grief he's experiencing (assuming you want/are ready for that)?

By all means, miscarriage very much can have a big impact on people's sexualities and sexual lives, especially in the relationship where the pregnancy and the loss of it happened, especially when it comes to the body (and its memories) of the person it happened to. Feeling things or not with masturbation or sex with a partner has more to do with being turned on that on the physics of your body parts, exactly: when you didn't feel things, were you actually really into the masturbation or sex you were having or no?

Personally, I'd lobby for just doing what you can to give yourself some time away from sex or masturbation instead of trying to make something happen that obviously isn't right for you right now: really take that break, including alone. Feel your feelings. And maybe also look at what sex (including masturbation) is for you, and consider other ways of exploring or experiencing similar things. For instance, if it's partly about feeling a physical release, how about trying some new kinds of movement or sport? If it's about intimacy, how about talking about your feelings?