Scarleteen

Hi,
I have been going out with my boyfriend for a bit over four months now and I have realised that he has helped me in soo many ways that I never would have expected from a relationship. He is a great person, we get on really well and are very similar in our personality and we chatted for like seven months before we went out. We went to the same secondary school and were in the same lessons and we spent time getting to know each other. We had laughs in those lessons and now that we have both finished year eleven and have gone to separate places we still stay in contact and have such a great time. We have so many private jokes and memories and I feel like not only have I made a great relationship with him but a friendship as well. I have known him in terms of communication and getting to know each other for a year and a half now and he is the total opposite of what I thought in my head guys my age would be like in a relationship. He is my first ever boyfriend to the actual point that I didn't trust soo many guys my age and I never felt they would accept me because of a condition (not serious but frustrating) I have that makes it hard for me to do normal things, but then with this guy when he asked me months ago before we went out if I liked him or not and he had been asking me this for soo long, I remember thinking just do it tell the truth and trust for once. Now I'm glad I did trust him as it's been a great relationship so far. It shows how much he likes me as all the small things he does when I had a bladder infection and was told by the doctor to drink plenty and went out to his the next day, he had a massive pint glass of water waiting for me, if I ma upset he tries to cheer me up or stuck on my college work he encourages me and it helps. What's great is the fact that he doesn't come across as obsessed with just sex, bit like me in a way, I mean yeah I am nearly seventeen but not every seventeen year old needs to be thinking and doing sexual things non stop right as some people, like myself, take longer to 'mature' than others? And that's my problem that I have been wondering for a while now and I think I need to let go of this. I always had the worry that what if I went out with someone and they expected more from me in terms of doing sexual things but do I need to let this worry go? Is it normal me worrying about this or am I just over thinking? I find it hard to trust people but I can't help but worry about things like being pressured into something I don't want to do, even though so far I haven't.

My boyfriend has never pressured me into doing something and I really do mean this and the only things or sexual things that we have done, and I was not pressured to do nor him and they were consensual are kissing, dry sex (with clothing on) and manual sex. If one of us doesn't feel like doing one of these, or anything else for that matter, we both respect that and stick to simple things like or other things like watching films etc. If one of us doesn't want to do something or wants to stop etc then either of us say and respect that. We are both virgins as well and he doesn't have much 'experience' with sexual things just like I do so we're in the same boat so why do I worry about being pressured or something? He even suggested we stop doing any of the above I listed when I have anxiety of pregnancy over them as it wouldn't help me and I agree with that and we have kept to that agreement. He hasn't cheated on me nor have I on him so I do not lack trust in that area. I just don't know if maybe I am looking out for myself or being silly with the sex and pressure and trusting, even when none of that has happened. My relationship with him so far has been great and I don't want my worrying to ruin anything. I know people say if you worry about something then you probably notice it, but there is not pressure going on at all, so why am I like this. I am sorry for the massive post. Thankyou

I think the first thing I'd do is make sure we're all on the same page about what "not pressuring" means, because sometimes, there can be a subtle pressure that we don't consciously recognise as pressure, but part of us still has a "something isn't ok" kind of feeling. So, with your boyfriend, for example: when the two of you are making plans to do something/go somewhere, do you sometimes do the thing that you want to do or that you suggest? When you tell him you don't like something, does he leave it at that rather than ever suggest that you'd like it if you tried it? When you tell him you don't want to do something (yet), does he ever ask again about it the next week?

Trust is a thing we build with a person, based on our own real experience of how they behave with us, so it's absolutely ok - and wise - to take some time before we feel it. Trust isn't an automatic thing, it's something each person earns from how they behave with us.

You said you'd always been worried about being pressured into something. Is there anything in particular you think that worry might have come from? Sometimes, the messages we get generally about sexual relationships are quite skewed, for example, that young men try to have sex and that young women need to or are supposed to try to stop them. If we think that pressuring is normal or likely, it makes sense to be worried about it, because for sure, it's very unpleasant and feels crappy and confusing. It's most definitely not normal or acceptable behaviour, though.

True, that is why I am wondering this as I know that your subconscious pics up on things even when you don't. Being honest, following the example you have given, he does leave it and asks me what I would like to do instead and if I suggest something doesn't try and change my mind. No when I say I don't want to do something he doesn't mention it again.

Ok thank you that makes a lot of sense and I guess it's how people look out for themselves by not instantly trusting. With the worries of pressuring, I don't really know where it comes from, just media and what you hear about people or read in magazines I guess which I know has a negative on look towards things like sex and relationships. I am always paranoid about pregnancy and things like that and think that my parents would hate me if that ever did happen to me.

Thing is, maybe there is slight pressuring occasionally somewhere in my relationship, and like you said pressuring isn't always linked to sexual things. I enjoy doing what we do at the moment but maybe I sense it somewhere, like some days I want to just stay home but he asks if we can meet up and maybe this is what I notice and but because I don't recognise it at first and feel anxious, I focus it on something else, like the pregnancy anxiety. The way I say this makes it sound as though my boyfriend is a horrible person but in reality he is far from that and doesn't realise some of this but what I like about him is that he listens to me very well and takes in what I say. Guess because there's two people in a relationship, and everyone is different in their own way, some people notice or take in things differently.

like some days I want to just stay home but he asks if we can meet up and maybe this is what I notice and but because I don't recognize it at first and feel anxious

When he suggests that, and you say "Thanks, but yeah, it's a home day for me," does he accept that?

If so, I don't see any pressuring here.

As I suggested in one of your other posts, I truly feel your best next step is to seek healthcare to help you with anxiety. You'll certainly feel better once you start getting that, and that also can give you helps and tools to learn how to manage intimate relationships as a person with anxiety, so you don't have to worry about "ruining" relationships around this. On the other hand, being in an intimate relationship with someone with something like anxiety or depression they are not treating is very hard on everyone, and usually does make it very hard in relationships, as well as hard for a person with those things to feel able to make their best choices in them.

I guess I don't and he doesn't know what I feel if I don't tell him so he doesn't realise what I feel as I don't say. With the healthcare for anxiety issue, I don't know how I can get that help as my college work is demanding and have to spend two weeks doing work experience for college. I feel like me always being upset isn't making it easy for anyone around me and I get many days where I feel depressed but just act normal and ok until someone asks me and I say im not ok but then I don't feel I can open up to anyone how I feel about stuff. I'm just scared that that if I went to a doctor they'd shrug it off like they have with everything else and like many doctors did with my sister who has anxiety and depression

Mental healthcare providers do not shrug off mental health issues like anxiety or depression. This is what they have chosen to work in, after all, and they, more than likely anyone, strongly feel this kind of illness is real and people struggling with it need care.