Scarleteen

Hi,
I am in a very bad situation now. I was in a relationship with a man for 3 years and we broke up a year back. While in the relationship we had sex couple of times. We work in the same team. I had started seeing someone else which pissed him off. he started threatening me about telling my parents about us being physical and that I am seeing someone else.
He barged into my apartment a couple of times and threatened me to give my parents number and address. Because of which, my apartment owner asked me to move out.
My parents are very conservative about premarital sex and dating and they consider it as a taboo.
I told my boss about it and he had warned my ex. I thought things were fine. But last week my ex called my sister and my dad picked the call. He told my dad that I cheated on him with this current guy I am seeing and that I had sex with him many times and that I am threatening him to commit suicide.
I came to my hometown and told my parents everything. Now they are going to come to the city where I work. Talk to my ex to stop threatening me and talk to my boss about everything that happened.
The problem is they are asking me to move back home. I can't do that because the work I do is not available in my hometown and the opportunities are less.
They also want to keep an eye on me and are worried about my safety.
I don't want my career to get spoilt because of this. My parents are judging me and are very hurt that I fooled them. How do I convince my parents to trust me again?

Hi there Sara,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're dealing with this right now. It's so not okay for your ex to have manipulated you like this and used your relationships with your family members to get back at you.

When you say that your parents are judging you, what do you mean exactly? That they are judging you because they heard that you have had sex with your new partner many times? Or judging you because they heard that you are suicidal? Or both?
Do you feel like they have an understanding of how horrible your ex is treating you, and how this situation is not your fault? The fact that they are coming to the city to talk to your ex and straighten things out with your boss suggests that they understand that his behavior is inappropriate and has to stop.

When they say that they're worried about your safety, do you feel like they're referring to you being suicidal, or keeping you safe from your ex? If it's the latter, I can understand why they might feel like it would be a good idea for you to move away from where he is currently, so that you can have some space away from him. But I also totally understand what you're saying about your work, and you chose to live in the city for a reason. You should be able to make that choice for yourself, because you're the one in the middle of everything.

Have you tried telling them what you've told us here, plainly? How do they respond?

Again, this situation is really, really awful. You don't deserve to be in the position you're in, regardless of who you've had sex with or how many partners you've had. You may have already had this suggested to you, but I hope you're able to take care of your mind/body/spirit in small ways while this situation is developing. Self-Care A La Carte has some good suggestions for ways that you might do that in the meantime. I'm thinking good thoughts for you tonight. <3

My immediate worry is my parents are emotionally blackmailing me to come back to my hometown. I want to continue working in the city I work and I have also suggested that I will change the company. But they are worried about my safety. Everyday I am getting scolded as well as emotionally blackmailed to give up work and come back home to work here. So please tell me how to convince my parents.

Hi Sara,

I'm sorry to hear that it feels like they're blackmailing you. Can you say more about what they're doing that's making you feel this way?

As for how to convince them, I'm not sure that there is a sure-fire way to make them see your point of view if they're determined to do their own thing. Do you feel like they have a way of forcing you to come back home, or taking away your job or your housing in the city? Do you think it could come down to that? What is the timeline that you're operating in?

In the meantime, it might be helpful to start doing some safety planning. I'm not sure if you've already been given this resource already, but it might be helpful to look over The Scarleteen Safety Plan to see if there are steps you can take to protect yourself and make sure you're the one making decisions for yourself.

Just to let you know, my shift is ending for tonight, but I will check back in tomorrow, and there will be other staff and volunteers who might be able to help.

Yes. They have a way of forcing me to come home by emotionally blackmailing me with their health condition and family reputation. They think that I need to be punished for what I have done and losing my freedom to work in a city of my choice is that punishment. I am from India.
I don't want to hurt my parents but I also don't want to give up on my dreams just because of my ex's abuse.
Please help me out .

Hi Sarah,

Am I understanding correctly that, while you're parents are trying to emotionally manipulate you into coming home, they don't have control over things like your finances or housing? I don't say that to downplay what they're doing emotionally, but to make sure that if you were to set a boundary with them, it wouldn't put you in danger of being homeless of without money.

With that in mind, if you're unable to get them to see your point of view, what steps would you be comfortable taking to prevent your exes (and your parent's) actions from taking away your freedom or your goals? And were you able to look over that article on safety planning Al shared with you? If so, did you see steps you can take?