Concerning Masturbating and Depression

[panpan14]

Okay, so it's a bit of a long question, but here we go. In the beginning of October I tried masturbating. It was good, but not mentally/emotionally. It triggered depression that was added up by stress and anxiety from other sources, and now I'm still struggling with it. I know there's nothing wrong with masturbation, and people do it all the time and stuff, but it's always on my mind. "Should I do it? Do I want to?" It's really distracting during school, and I've done it in some of my classrooms. Is it ok to masturbate every day? That's not... normal, is it? I wish I could erase this knowledge from my mind but I can't - I don't know what solution to even look for. I can't relate to people bc no one else becomes depressed, bc they're triggered by masturbating. Help. Please?

[Heather]

I assume you already know that masturbation can be chemical, situational, or both? I ask that because given what chemically happens with arousal and orgasm (in a word, the opposite of what happens with depression, to make a long story short), we can probably assume that if masturbation was a depression trigger for you, it was situational: about how you felt about it.

(FYI, plenty of people masturbate daily or otherwise regularly. So, if by normal you mean common, I'd say it's common enough.)

Do you feel like you have negative feelings around or about masturbation? Or some issues managing it (for instance, masturbating in public places is problematic for obvious reasons: is this something you did knowingly, or feel like you didn't have control over)? Have you yet sought out mental healthcare in general with your depression?

I also want to add that you should know that you would hardly be the only person to experience masturbation -- more to the point, feelings about it -- as a trigger for anxiety or depression. Sexual shame or other kinds if hard feelings around sexuality is something many people struggle with.

[panpan14]

It's definitely situational. I think of the situation-type feelings as feelings of ruin or great... well, ruining, I guess. I had to change my entire room around to be in there without thinking bad thoughts. I have contacted a counselor who I'm talking to about my depression in general, yes. And in public places, for a while I told myself not to do it, but then that foolish corner of my brain just kind of let me do it.

[Heather]

When you say "bad thoughts," what do you mean? Is it sexual thoughts you are calling bad? If so, is that because you think of sex and sexuality as bad? Or ruining?

Happy to talk through any of this you'd like to. It's great you also are starting to see a counselor, and if you want help with bringing these topics up with them, I'm happy to help you that way, as well.

[panpan14]

I think it's that my mind thinks that sexual things are bad? I mean sometimes it feels like I'm just randomly sitting and like "hell yeah I can masturbate sure whatever." Is it ok to masturbate every day? I kind of think of it as ruining, I think, because it's unfamiliar and because mostly people don't talk about it - I'm the kind of person that needs constant reassurance and to talk about the things going on in my life, and with sex and masturbating being the taboo topic it's kind of hard to be comfortable with things like that.

I'd be more than happy to keep talking to you about this because, in all honesty, I get a kind of happy high after masturbating, it feels good, and the only downside is the way my mind is treating it. My counselor/therapist is fantastic but honestly it feels like my depression just isn't valid with it being triggered by something like masturbation.

[Heather]

Depression is not something that needs to be validated. To boot, chances are mighty good that you are not, again, dealing with depression ONLY because of rough feelings about masturbation. Not that it would be invalid if you were, but it still is not likely. However, by all means, if you feel this plays a major role in your depression, it is something to be sure to bring to therapy, okay?

People do not tend to think sex and sexuality are bad out of nowhere, those ideas tend to be learned. Unlearning them generally requires figuring out where you did learn them, then unpacking from there. Did you get messages growing up that sex and sexuality were bad? If so, where did those come from?

I would also add that, for sure, sometimes people do not talk about this stuff because it feels taboo. But other folks don't just bcause, for them, it is something private. Not shameful, just personal and private, that's all.

[panpan14]

I'm not sure exactly where they came from? Like I wasn't really raised much on the idea that sex was bad, just very private and quiet and something people generally avoided. How can I train my mind to know that I can masturbate, and be okay with it? How do people masturbate or have sex and basically go on with their days and lives?

[panpan14]

Oh, another additive - I think about masturbation a lot, which makes me feel like I need to masturbate? What does that mean? I don't want it to be on my mind all the time. I had to change my room because I masturbated in there, so I don't really have a comfortable place to do it? Can I do it every day?

[panpan14]

Help?

[Sam W]

Hi Panpan,

If thinking about masturbation is starting to feel compulsive, then those thoughts and feelings might be another thing to bring to therapy. It is totally okay to masturbate daily, but it seems like the constant thoughts of it are stressing you out.

I do want to point out that, even though you say you didn't/don't think of sex as bad, you do say you feel it is something to be avoided. So, that might be germ of the negative thoughts you're having about masturbating.

[Heather]

Sorry this got lost in the shuffle, panpan.

I think the short answer to, "How do people masturbate or have sex and basically go on with their days and lives?" is that people do so feeling sex, including masturbation, is NOT a bad thing, and are things that benefit their lives, rather than interrupt or derail them. In other words, people who find their lives in harmony with their sex lives feel good about their sexual lives, and aren't full of shame with them.

When you hear someone like me telling you that sex and sexuality, including masturbation, aren't bad or shameful, but -- so long as someone is only doing what feels good for them (and others, when partners are involved), physically and emotionally -- what impact does that have? Does that sink in at all, or does it just bounce off or feel like baloney?