Very serious question

[Maddison66]

I’m kinda nervous,

I had sexual intercourse today without any physical contraceptive.

I am on the pill (sprintec) and I just stared a new pack after the iron week (white pills) were over. I missed yesterday although I did take one today. I am consistent with it but for some reason I forgot yesterday’s pill

Should I take a plan b or am I fine ?

If you cannot help anyway where can I go for help ?

[Heather]

I don't know what you mean by "physical contraceptive." Do you mean without a barrier method? If so, know that oral contraceptives are highly effective in the prevention of pregnancy when used properly (more so than barrier methods, actually).

The pill you missed and took late: was it the first pill in your new pack? If it was, then I might suggest using emergency contraception. If not, then so long as you take all the rest of the pills in this pack (don't miss another), then EC isn't going to do anything different than your OCs are already doing more effectively.

Both because it sounds like you might not feel comfortable going without barrier methods and because they (unlike pills) are important in STI prevention, do you want any help when it comes to how to set limits about them with partners?

[Maddison66]

The pill That I missed was actually the second of the pack. I took the very first.
I’m just worried because I was actually off them (taking the white pills) because of my period. Other than the one I missed I am consistent on taking them at the same time everyday or at least 24 hours apart.
Should I take EC just in case ?

And also Actually yes can I save help with that. I would greatly appreciate it.

[Heather]

So, oral contraceptives give you the same protection during the placebo/withdrawal bleed week as they do during the active pills. I know it can be a little tricky to wrap your brain around, but so long as you're taking your active pills as directed both before that week and after, during that week, you have the same protection you would otherwise.

Having missed just that one (and second) pill but having made it up right away, I just don't think there is anything EC will do that your pill isn't already doing more effectively (Plan B/Ella and other ECPs are not as effective as ongoing pills).

I'm happy to help with that. Can you tell me a little about how this usually goes for you? Do you always have condoms with you to hand over if a partner says they don't have them, and/or to be the one initiating their use? Do you talk to partners before being sexual with them and make clear using condoms is a must, and if they're not down with that, you're not going to be sexual with them?

[Maddison66]

During my placebo week I don’t keep up with it because my doctor told me it’s just iron pills so I didn’t really think it was that big of a deal to be consistent with although I always drink the other ones. So last week I didn’t keep up with it at all.


No he usually doesn’t have any on hand and he doesn’t either. I don’t plan actually having sex with it I know it’s typical to say but it kinda just happens. I usually tell him to stop and he does but things get heated again. I kinda feel like it’s disrespectful. Do youknow anyway of me telling him without starting an argument

[Heather]

Your doctor is right: you don't have to take the placebo pills. Whether you take them or not, during that week you are no less protected than you are during active weeks (in case that still wasn't clear).

So, it sounds to me like you need to do a few things that will help a whole lot: 1) get *yourself* some condoms so YOU have them and aren't relying on partners to have them (especially partners who maybe have figured out that they don't have to with you and you'll have sex with them anyway: if you always bring your own and give them one when it's time, they can't claim ignorance about needing to use one or exemption because they don't have one). 2) Don't keep sleeping with ANYONE, ever, who doesn't stop having sex when you tell them to (that's actually assault) or refuses to use condoms when you say you need them to. 3) Don't have sex with anyone who views you having limits and boundaries as starting an argument. Personally, I have always just refused to have sex, period, with anyone who isn't on board with safer sex. No glove = no love is a golden rule for me, and it's also helpful for screening out jerks or people who lack the maturity or care to be decent sex partners.

By all means, refusing to accept and honor someone's basic boundaries and things they ask for for their sexual health and well-being is disrespectful. And just so we're clear, doing sexual things to someone when they say to stop, or without what they say they need to be okay being sexual is more than disrespectful: that's sexual abuse/assault.

It sounds like this guy, in particular, is bad news, at least in the bedroom. Is he otherwise very respectful of you including any limits and boundaries you set? Can I ask why you are choosing to still be in a sexual relationship with him when he acts like this?

[Maddison66]

His excuse was “it slipped in” . And this was honestly the first time I ever had actual intercourse penis/vagina.

I think he’s a pretty good guy besides everything that happened he didn’t force himself on me or anything in a harmful manner. He did get off when I said get off but the third time it “slipped in”. I had an actual conversation with him and he said we should agree on not being home alone anymore but go more on dates out in public which is obviously a better scenario because we’re not alone and more tempted to do things. I still thing I need space and time to process everything that had. My plan although I know everyone’s is different was to wait until marriage. That was just my plan I know everyone’s different and I support every decision but that was just mine. Am I wrong for wanting space ?

[Stephanie]

It is never wrong in any relationship to find what we need for ourselves and then ask that it happens. It sounds from everything read above that time and space would be good: allowing you to process and really figure out how you're feeling about what happened. It will also likely help you center your feelings on whether or not he's really going to respect limits an boundaries - IE if you're asking for time and space, is he willing to understand that need and honor that request without any pushing for anything else until you say you're ready.

It's also sounding like if you're choosing to still be with him, staying out of those situations of being alone and intimate is a good place to start. What Heather said above is very important to keep in mind though, someone not accepting boundaries and needs is a huge issue - and it doesn't have to be forceful or seem that way, it can also be knowing there's boundaries there and not accepting them at face value and following them 100%.

[Maddison66]

Thank you guys so much !!

[Heather]

Just to be clear -- and I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I feel like it's important to be direct when someone's in danger so that you can know and then do all you can to protect yourself from more of it -- he lied. I'm so sorry.

Assuming that you didn't ask or say okay to both of you being naked and rubbing your genitals together (which is effectively intercourse all by itself, so it seems unlikely you gladly and freely agreed to that if you didn't want to be having intercourse), no one's penis just "slips in." That's not how intercourse works.

It seems most likely, even *in* that event that everything up to that point was something you wanted to be doing and were freely choosing to, that he intentionally did what he did -- he chose to engage in intercourse and did the motions one needs to to make that happen. Then he even lied to you about doing what he did, which, IMO, is a really, really messed up thing to do.

Having intercourse with you without your consent in an abuse and assault, and then lying about it is a whole other layer of abuse. (Also, if it was an accident, why didn't he immediately stop, pull away and apologize when it happened?) So, it sounds like he did, in fact, force you to do something you didn't want. Again, I'm so sorry. You had the right -- you always do, everyone does -- to only engage in any kind of sex if, when and how you want to. He stole your choice from you in that and that is in no way okay. That is an abuse, and it's a serious one.

To me, this makes him very solidly not a good guy, but more practically, totally not a safe person for you to be sexual with at all. I'd strongly advise you NOT stay with this person, or, at the very least, not be in any situation where you two might be sexual. Someone who does sexual things to us without our express permission or against our wishes is not safe for us. Someone who does those things and then uses our ignorance or lack of experience to deceive us about them is not safe for us.

[Maddison66]

I completely understand and I have taken everything into consideration and decided to not stay with this person. It’s best if I live my life separate and stay celibate. I truly appreciate your concern and all your support. Thank you truly.

[Heather]

I'm so relieved to hear that. We totally support you in those choices. If you want to talk about any of this now or another time, we're here for you. <3

[Maddison66]

Thank you !!!