Flinching

[Mfbx4slv]

Hello,
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. During the first year he repeatedly sexually abused me but because I love him so much we stayed together. He promised that he will never repeat the past and will change and he has. Although he doesnt do things that he did, I still seem to be affected by it. I want to stop and get over it but I cant seem to. Its come to the point where its affecting our relationship. I keep on flinching unconsciously whenever he comes too close or touches me suddenly and when he touches certain parts of my body like my wrist or my back or my neck. I dont know how to stop flinching and want to know how to stop as I am having trouble controlling it. I dont want to hurt my boyfriend by doing this anymore and just stop reminding him of the past..How can I stop flinching?
Sorry for the long post

[Sam W]

Hi Mfbx4slv,

When someone hurts us, our bodies remember and will sometimes react in ways (like the flinching) that show they do. It can take a long time to unlearn those reflexes, especially if you're still reacting to the person who caused the initial hurt (and in some cases those reactions never fully go away). Too, those reactions are more likely to be present if the trauma that caused them hasn't been addressed. Did you ever seek out any kind of support, like a rape crisis center, where you could talk about what he did?

Can I ask how safe you generally feel around your boyfriend? Even if he hasn't hurt you in the exact ways he did before, do you feel like you trust him not to hurt you in other ones, and like you can let your guard down around him? And how does he react when you flinch? I'm also wondering what, if any, work he did to help himself unlearn his abusive behaviors and mindsets? While some people can, and do, learn how to stop being abusive and instead be respectful and caring partners, it generally takes quite a bit of deliberate effort on their part. I'll also add that, when you choose to stay with someone who's hurt you in the past, part of that involves them learning to live with the impacts of the abuse on you. In this case, the flinching is one of those impacts. If he's really invested in doing better, he'll understand that and not make you feel as though it's something you have to solve.

[Mfbx4slv]

Hi Sam,

Yes I have spoken to a few friends and have tried going to counselling but it didnt really help so I stopped going. I guess I should try it again. I do feel kinda safe with him as he has kept his promise and I do kinda trust him also. He now doesnt keep on asking or force anything sexual and avoids anything that makes me feel uncomfortable even things like sexual talk. However he lives in a different country now so whenever he comes and visits me its only for a few weeks max so deep in my mind I do have a bit of thoughts about if the promises will still be kept if we didnt live long distance. Promises are easier to keep during a short time than for a long time..Every time I flinch he gets upset and now it's to the point where he gets a bit angry.It has been a while since I have done this and because there has been no improvement it's frustrating him but he still tries and be understanding. I also want to stop for him but also for myself..

[Heather]

Hi there, just dropping in to weigh in on a couple things here so you don't have to wait today. I believe Sam will be back through tomorrow to pick up the conversation you two started together.

I personally think it's a red flag he's getting angry at you about this, and also perhaps evidence that while he may not currently be sexually abusing you, he probably hasn't changed that much as a person. I say that because being angry at YOU for something that is happening to you -- and that you have to live with most of all, no less -- because of abuse HE DID is how abusive people act. That's not him taking responsibility: that's still him putting it on you, a thing abusers to to the people they abuse. That's also a form of emotional abuse, to hold you responsible for the impact of his chosen behaviour.

If you're up to it, I wonder if you might take a look at this article to just check in about how healthy or not this relationship is on the whole: Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?

Additionally, I am still seeing what looks like you still behaving like someone in an abusive relationship, with the way that you're concerned about changing this for *him*. Why protect him from having to recognize the impact of what he's done? That's one thing -- really seeing the impact -- anyone actually working to change from being abusive needs to do.

I think that asking your body not to respond the way it is around someone who has done you harm is a pretty tall order, and may not be something you can -- or maybe should -- actually change. Not with this person, anyway. In a nutshell, your body is likely responding that way not just because of body memories, like Sam mentioned, but because your body and mind still know this person has done you harm. They may also still know this person is still being abusive in some ways, or is still potentially harmful, you know? In other words, some of how your body is behaving is probably in the interest of your own protection -- some of it is probably your body telling you this person still isn't safe for you in some ways.

Is this happening with anyone else? If so, a counselor -- and maybe even you by yourself, through your own work -- can likely at least minimize, if not stop (though that may be something that takes longer, especially if you're still in any kind of abuse or unsafety), your body responding that way with other people. We can also probably help you try a few things that might help with that around others. What we -- or a counselor, or anyone -- prob ably cannot do, though, is get your body to stop being twitchy around your boyfriend, because, again, that'd ask it to not know what it does about him, if you follow.

Can I also ask, like Sam did, what work *he* did to change the way he behaves and has behaved? Did he get counseling himself? Is he still getting it or is he still in some kind of program for people who have sexually abused/assaulted?

[Mfbx4slv]

Hi Heather,

Well he doesnt get super angry but upset angry if that makes sense. I think he does realise the impact that it has done but seeing it again and again is just really hard. I know he feels really bad about it and has apologised to me again and again but it's just too difficult to see that. Also I only flinch with him which makes it worse He acknowledges that it is hard for me but says it is hard for him also which in a way I do understand a bit. Although like you mentioned i do things for him but in a way it's also and maybe a bit more for us as its affecting our relationship.

He hasn't got counselling or hasnt been to a program but I have noticed a really big change in how he treats me. Before as we were long distance he would ask me to take sexual photos and do things that i wasnt comfortable with whilst video calling and if i dodnt he would get really angry or make me feel really bad to the point where i feel like i have to do it, but he doesnt do this anymore. He also came and visited me and did not pressure or force anything.

I guess as it seems like from what Sam and yourself have said, I cant really get rid of flinching. I will try and talk about this with my boyfriend.

[Mo]

What's worrying me is that your boyfriend's making his upset and angry feelings your problem to deal with. I think it would make sense for him to be upset and angry with himself, for choosing to be abusive and violate your trust so profoundly that you find yourself flinching around him, but those upset feelings are ones he needs to sit with and work through on his own, to figure out how he can change his behavior and move forward, and not ones he should be directing at you. For him to be angry at you because of abusive decisions he made is just not okay in any way.
Were you able to look through that relationship checkup article from Heather's response above? If so, did any aspect of your relationship come to mind as you were looking at it?

[Sam W]

I don't want to overload you with too many responses, but do want to build on what Mo said. Part of why both they and Heather have suggested you read that article is that when the baseline of a relationship was abusive, it can skew our sense of what a normal, healthy baseline looks and feels like. The abuse no longer concurring doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is enjoyable or good to be in. It just means it isn't abusive any more. So, looking at article can help you take the temperature (as it were) of where your relationship is now.

I also think you're within your rights as a partner to ask that if he's serious about changing, he needs to show you he's taking clear, deliberate steps to do so. The reason I suggest that is because we know, from years of research, that people who abuse others have to put in concerted effort under the guidance of someone with training to change and make those changes stick. Abusive behaviors are usually deeply internalized, so even if someone really really wants to change, they need help in order to do so. Does that make sense? Do you feel like you could have a conversation about that with him?