Coping with a Break Up when You did the Breaking Up?

[BuddyBoi21]

Alright so surprise, surprise,
I am here and after months of questioning and nervousness, I broke up with my (now ex) girlfriend.

I feel really bad, guilty really. I feel like I didn't try hard enough and the girl I was dating was wonderful. She was really sweet and she was trying really hard to take care of me and to make sure she did what she could to keep me here. Her efforts didn't work and I feel sort of bad I wasn't able to return her feelings in the same way.

To an extent, I feel like there's something wrong with me and what I did. Like maybe if I had just tried harder than maybe we'd still be together and things would be perfectly fine. Logically though I know that's not how this works.

Please send support or something because I know this was for the better but it still hurts.

[Heather]

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. By all means, just because a person initiates a breakup doesn't mean they won't have hard feelings about it. This piece may be of help: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking.

I do want to say that I don't think there's anything wrong with you or the decision you made. Tbh -- and I said as much to you a few times -- I personally saw what I felt were some red flags in this relationship (including that I suspect some of what you're seeing as a sweet try to "keep you here" was looking like possible manipulation and control to me), and they were by no means only about you. I don't think trying harder on your part would have resolved those issues, IMO.

I have zero doubt you made this decision thoughtfully and with the best interests of both of you in mind, truly. What are you doing over the next few days to give yourself some extra care?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Heather,

I've been leaning on my close friends and my sister (one of my best friends) pretty hard these past few days.

I also recognize I'm still a person who likes and is highly interested in sex so I'm still allowing myself to explore that. (I've redownloaded an app or two for this reason). What I will be doing however is setting hard boundaries one what I look for. I know now my hard boundaries on considering a long term partner and that I prefer to take things slower. I also recognize I want to keep things extremely casual to start and really think before deciding to become serious with a person.

I'm glad I'm allowing myself to learn and experience dating without the same kind of nervousness now. Hopefully as I move forward I can explore myself and others coming from a more nurturing perspective.
For now, I'll be clean my living space, focus in on my classwork and job hunting in the next week as well as seeing my friends again/more often and heading back to the gym since having top surgery.
Thank you for supporting my growth and looking out for me Heather. I really appreciate what you and your staff do <3

[Heather]

Of course! That's what we're here for.

This all sounds really good to me: much more grounded (and also self-centered in the good way) than you've sounded in a while, if you don't mind my saying. <3