Unknowingly reminded partner of past abuse. How should I proceed?

[tsjsgjxtwhd]

I've been texting to this girl for a little bit, and recently we've been texting fairly often, specifically dirty talk and roleplay and such. At one point just recently, I mentioned in text while we were roleplaying the idea of her giving me a blowjob. She said she didn't like that idea, and I could tell even through text that something was wrong, so I asked her if she wanted to stop for now, and she said yes. I then asked her if she wanted to talk about anything, like how I could do things better in the future, and saying I wanna make sure we're both having an enjoyable time.

She then told me that as a kid, she was forced into giving a blowjob. This text hit me like a ton of bricks. I told her that I was very sorry, and I didn't mean to bring it up. She then replied with, "I'm crying rn" and then "I'll be right back"

For context, before we started roleplaying, I asked her what her likes and dislikes were, and she never mentioned blowjobs being off-limits (which I still understand, I can't imagine how hard it is just bringing that up)

Even though I know I didn't know any better, I feel like I did something very wrong by mentioning it and I honestly just feel horrible with myself. But more than that, I feel really bad not knowing what exactly is happening to her at this moment

I sent her one last text, which I thought to be the best thing to say, which was, "I'll give you time to yourself if you want, but if you want to talk I'm always here"

I think that was best because I think that she may want to be alone for a bit, and I don't her to feel like she has to talk to me now, but I want her to know that I'm ready to talk whenever she is. At the moment, she has read the message but not responded.

I know this isn't a place for long-term mental support, but for now, what do I do from here? And did I do anything majorly wrong here? (Apart from me bringing up the blowjob in the first place, I still feel sick to my stomach about doing that, even though I didn't know)

I assume the best thing for me to do is wait until she contacts me first, then talk to her. But should I bring up potential triggers and things I should avoid then? Or should I wait a bit? I feel like I shouldn't ask about it right after, because I don't want her to think about it again so soon, but I also feel like if I wait I might unknowingly bring something else up that I don't know about.

[Jacob]

Hi tsjsgjxtwhd,

My heart goes out to you and to her. It sounds like you both did a great job of talking about limits before hand and respecting boundaries afterwards... Even so this memory is evidently really raw for her. She may not have anticipated that she would have felt the way she is feeling, and yet we are all blindsided at some point... here it sounds like you both were.

You also haven't said anything here that indicates she blames you, or that she thinks you did something wrong.

If she does open up communication again, I don't think it'd be bad to ask if she's ready to talk about what happened. It may be that your wording, the context or demeanour was another element which contributed to her trauma coming back to her as it did. This is something that she might be able to share if she's feeling able.

It might also be that you won't get answers and in that I think it's ok to feel hurt and perhaps a little doubtful about yourself as you are. In healthy doses we can learn from that doubt when future experiences feel similar. It's one of the things leading you to ask these really important questions.

To an extent we can always try our best and still find that there is an element of risk in opening up to intimacy with people. I think it can come with the vulnerability that in other occasions makes intimacy pleasant and enjoyable. This isn't something we can always get closure on.

It sounds like self-care, however that looks for you, could be a good thing to focus on as she isn't asking anything of you right now and there is a genuine feeling of loss that you are dealing with.

[Heather]

I also want to add that it may be that until this happened, she didn't actually know that this cued trauma (was triggering) for her. It may not have been until now, or she may not have had anything before now that brought it up for her to know.

It's pretty common for discovering what cues our trauma to be an always-ongoing thing because, of course, we're always having more and more life experiences in more and more contexts and headspaces. Sometimes, too, a thing cuing trauma is very much about the how of that, not just about every instance with that thing. And again, finding out what those hows are is an ongoing process, not something everyone just knows from the front. Make sense?