Is it bad to want to stay and to detox a toxic friendship?

[mothman]

So, I'm not sure if this is really an abusive relationship by any means, but it sure feels toxic.

I've been best friends with J for six years. We've lived together for most of that time, and still do. J grew up in an extremely abusive household and suffers a lot of trauma to this day. Unfortunately, it feels like J is taking it out on me a lot of the time. I feel like every time they say something awful or lashes out, I have to consider their background and be compassionate. Recently, they thought I had made a mistake in the rent and I spent several hours determining it was their error. I was terrified to tell them this. Making it my fault would have been easier. They were angry at me and I stood up for myself, for once, saying that I wasn't responsible for their mistakes but I wanted to be helpful in this shitty situation.

There was also a strange situation a couple of months ago where I expressed romantic interest in a mutual friend who they had a friends-with-benefits relationship that transitioned to friendship. They were initially supportive but they kept being kind of evasive about it and questioned my motives for wanting to be in a romantic relationship with that person. J then confessed that they still had a crush on that friend and wanted to see if they could transition into a relationship. Not only that, but J had a crush on me. This is something J has disclosed several times over the years, and I have been clear that I do not reciprocate romantic feelings for them, and I said that again. When I talk about this with friends, some say that it feels like J was perfectly controlling the situation - making it so that they were sympathetic and that I couldn't act on anything. I guess I can see how this is toxic.

I feel like cutting off the relationship isn't what I want. I don't want to abandon them simply because they have trauma and are trying to work through it and sometimes stumbles. I don't want my reaction to their anger to consume me for hours, to think about what I could have said. My reaction is on me, and I need to work on that. I want to detox this toxic relationship.

[Sam W]

Hi Mothman,

It's not bad to want to try and preserve a friendship, especially if it's one you've been in for years and got good things out of. But it seems like there are some questions to ask here about how much this friendship could actually be preserved/detoxified.

For starters, you mention not wanting to cut off this relationship just because J may be acting the way they are due to trauma. Are there other reasons you don't want to cut it off, such as having parts of it you still really value or enjoy? Or is it mainly those feelings of guilt?

Speaking of the issue of trauma, while it can certainly cause people to internalize and then recreate abusive or toxic behaviors, there are plenty of people who manage to cope with and heal from their trauma without taking it out on others. At a certain point, their reason for hurting you matters less than the fact you're being hurt. You mention J is trying to work through this trauma. Are they actively taking steps to do so, or is more along the lines of them saying they're trying not to do X behavior that hurts you but then not doing anything to address the deeper cause of the behavior?

There's also the fact that, at a certain point, not confronting their behavior or putting up limits to how they can treat you isn't helpful to either one of you. It means they're continuing to engage in patterns that don't help with their healing and hurt people they (ostensibly) care about. And it means you keep getting lashed out at, or wondering if they're trying to manipulate you due to their feelings about you, and you deserve to have a friendship (and a living situation) where that doesn't happen.

[mothman]

Sam, first of all, thank you for your quick reply and thoughtful response. I really appreciate it.

There are parts of the relationship that I value and enjoy, which is another reason why I don't want to lose it. They can be kind and hilarious and silly and supportive. But they can also be needlessly cruel.

There's just all of this repeating patterns - both mine and theirs. Me reinforcing their behavior by not setting boundaries or being assertive, and J not fully addressing or owning up to their behavior. I think that J working through this trauma alone and just not noticing and repeating old patterns and stories isn't working. I think they need help, and I can support them in that endeavor, but I can't make them do it.

They're also still angry about the rent situation, so I don't know if suggesting seeking professional help will sink in with them.

[Stephanie]

Hi mothman:

Is this someone that you feel safe sitting down and talking to when they aren't angry? IE - if you do think there is a problem and you want to work on that problem, do you feel you can talk with them about the problem without them lashing out. If not, it's really tough to begin being able to set boundaries or even being able to talk about the need for those boundaries.

Have you ever talked to them about the way that you feel, and that sometimes the things they chose to say or do, or the way in which they respond to situations really hurt you? It's really important in any relationship, friendships included, that we be able to express our feelings, needs, and wants with the other person.If you haven't been able to do that, or it hasn't been successful when you have tried - then I think whether you're ready and able to make the changes in this friendship that need to be started in order for it to be healthy and safe for you both needs to be a question you ask yourself as well.

For sure, it sounds like they have a lot of work they need to do with supports and help to be in a healthy place, but you need to make sure where you're standing in all this is healthy for you as well.

[Heather]

How might you feel about considering that maybe living together isn't best for you or your relationship? How do you feel about the idea that if you do want to try and work -- together, not just you, as just you can't fix all of this without J also making that effort -- on this, one thing that might help is not sharing a home and having some more space to help you start setting boundaries?

On all that, I do want to back up and make sure we understand the situation: is *J* also willing to put real effort into trying to change how things are between you? Have you two talked about that at all, and of so, have they acknowledged the things you've said here and said they want to try to change? Do you think they'll actually put work into this, or is this about you feeling like it's something you'd be on your own with?

[mothman]

Thank you Stephanie and Heather.

I feel like when I do bring up my feelings, theirs always supersedes whatever it is I have. I remember J being very angry that I was going to cancel something because I was busy (I was student teaching at the time) and when I expressed my feelings I had to just leave the concert we were about to attend and stay at my sister's. They fumed and didn't really apologize - they almost never do - saying "I don't regret what I said but maybe I could have said it better." So, in short, it feels like sitting down and talking about it ends up in an argument where I am the villain perpetuating the abandonment and abuse they felt as a child.

We signed an early lease for the next year that goes from August 2019 to August 2020. It feels like trying to break out of it would cause even more suffering and anger and hurt, but at the same time the situation is just... not good.

[Heather]

So, it's not sounding like they're even willing to take responsibility for their behavior, let alone work on it. It also sounds like when you have tried to even work through conflict with them as those conflicts occur, they aren't very responsive. Does that all sound right? I'm so sorry, mothman. This sounds really painful for you.

If so, then I really do think that you probably want to consider at least one of these: breaking that lease (or finding someone to sublet from you) OR, if you can't get out of it (I don't think staying in a year-long lease in order to try and avoid your housemate harming you is a good move -- we can talk about that more if you want), seeing if you can't create a lot more emotional/social separation between you in that space. In other words, seeing if you can't change things so that you live more like roommates who aren't close friends.

Can I ask if you have the ability to get connected with a counselor or therapist? I think whatever you choose -- or are able to -- having someone to check in with this about in person, weekly, would probably be a very smart move for your safety and well-being. They would also be someone who could help you make a long-term safety plan if needed. We can help with that, too, if you want.

[mothman]

I'm very lucky to have a therapist. My game plan for now is to sit on it until the appointment on Friday and make a plan with her about what to do.

The intensity around this has died down a little bit thanks to having an anxiety attack and draining all those heightened garbage feelings out. I hope that since I have to wait a couple of days I'll be more clearheaded about what it is I need to do.

In the meantime, panicking and putting all your emotional energy toward something like this is exhausting but I'll need to make a plan to catch up. Luckily I have disability accommodations that help with stuff like this.

Thank you for hearing me out. I am grateful to have the space to talk this out during a really painful and isolating experience.

[Sam W]

Hi mothman,

Glad to hear you have access to a therapist, and that you're planning to talk with her about this. For added support, do you have any friends who know what's going on with J and how bad their behavior has gotten? If not, is there a person or two you think you could tell?

Those feelings of exhaustion make a lot of sense, given J's patterns of behavior. It also sounds like they're adding to overall stress of your life by influencing your ability to take care of things you need to take care. That's another point in favor of figuring out how to break the lease or, as Heather said, find ways to create more space between you and J while you're living together.

[mothman]

So, the discussion we ended up having went well in that I was able to talk about how I felt and I think there is a plan moving forward. My therapist was a big help in coaching me to focus on J's specific behaviors and what needs to change. There's only so much I can do on my end, but part of what I was able to get across is that I am not the person to get them through their trauma and they should look into getting a therapist.

For now, it kind of feels like a truce. They didn't apologize (not that I was expecting it - but it was something I wanted when going over potential terms with J with my therapist). In some ways I was expecting it to fall apart in like fiery balls of flame and I'm beginning to doubt myself because it feels like I'm still in the same situation and maybe I didn't stand up for myself enough. But I don't know. For now, it feels good that there was some air cleared, at least for now.

[Heather]

I think that if you're just learning how to stand up for yourself with someone or in general, you'll want to figure that it's something you're probably going to do in baby steps, gaining confidence as you go, and then, being able to stand up for yourself both more and with greater ease as you do. It sounds to me like you actually took a pretty big step here! I'd see if you can't focus more on giving yourself props than being self-critical.

I also think that you're going to see what happens (or doesn't) now that you've done this, and then can decide what else you want to do from here as you go, you know?

[mothman]

Yeah, that's true.

I'm going to try to move forward by setting boundaries with J in hanging out with our mutual friend where it's just me and the mutual friend. So, more baby steps!

Of note, I do have kind of a crush on this mutual friend but I discussed it with my therapist and rather than broaching that subject with J again right away, I want to practice baby steps and just focus on me, building self-care rituals, and getting to know this friend a little better outside of this me-J-friend dynamic.

It's difficult - I don't develop feelings for people very often, and I'm so used to not being straightforward and not doing anything about my feelings that there's this overwhelming urge to just get it over with and get my feelings off my chest. I've honestly been agonizing dealing with those feelings alongside everything else, but I think I've come to a place where, even though I'm impatient, I can try and move forward on my own terms.

[Sam W]

Hi Mothman,

Hooray for baby steps! Does J seem to be respecting the boundaries you set so far?

That urge to be straightforward and confess your feelings to your crush just to get it over with makes a lot of sense. In fact, to a certain degree that's what we usually advise people to do when they have a crush on someone and are wondering if it's reciprocated. But, I think you're right in that taking time to focus on self-care AND on getting to know your crush a bit better one on one is a sound plan. If you hit a point where you're ready to share your feelings with them, we can certainly help you figure out how to do that and navigate any fall-out with J (as can your therapist).