Dark Place

[Fender909]

I'm mainly creating this post for a type of support while I'm kind of freaking out. I feel super alone and shitty right now. My brain has sucked itself in some really bad whirlpool of anxiety and keeps telling me I'm pregnant even though what I did was something not listed as a risk and I got my period four days later.

I'm not helping myself. I want to feel better and I want to be happy. But I can't. I stopped eating. I've just been drinking a lot of water. I don't feel nauseous. I just don't feel the desire to eat. I feel very alone because I feel like nobody in the world around me understands how I'm feeling. I know my parents want and are trying i support me, but they have their own lives and responsibilities to tend to.

I'm home alone right now. I've been crying most of the day. I've pretty much convinced myself I'm pregnant. I don't know if this could be purely mental or not at this point. I keep lifting up my shirt and looking at my belly swearing its bigger. It's been a little over three weeks since what you guys say wasn't a risk. It feels so long ago.

I might try to buy a pregnancy test tomorrow. I have therapy tomorrow, so hopefully I can continue trying to work this out with her. I don't have motivation to do much of anything anymore. Not even eat. Not even turn on music, which is something that makes me happy no matter what.

I just feel very lost. I'm in a dark place. I'm so sick of feeling this way.

[Keda]

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so sucky! *jedi hugs*

Getting trapped in the cycle of crazy thoughts is a really hard thing to avoid, but if you can get out of it, even just for a little while, it can be a big relief. Hopefully, therapy tomorrow will be a starting point for getting some good strategies to do that - make sure to tell your therapist about this! But until then, it's just a sticking plaster solution, but I would suggest trying to distract yourself. Eat - even if you don't feel hungry, your body and brain need food to work right. See if you can find something that'll take up as much of your attention as you can - watching a film, playing a game, playing a sport etc. There are a bunch more suggestions here: http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=184

Right this minute, honestly, it doesn't sound like you can do anything about the causes of your anxiety, either real or imagined. So the focus for now has got to be on doing things - even just really stupid, superficial things - which will make you feel calmer and better. Doesn't matter if they go totally against what your anxiety is telling you that you ought to be doing/thinking/caring about; fixing anxiety is tomorrow's problem, for now, you're important and your emotional wellbeing is important.

[Kela]

I was in exactly the same position as you until very recently!! if you have any questions on coping mechanisms or anything feel free to ask me it does get easier, trust me! X

[Fender909]

Kela,

Really? Did you not have a risk but were still afraid of being pregnant?

[Heather]

Just a reminder that I have asked for a limit to be placed on discussion about pregnancy fears for you here, Fender. It's more than fine to talk about the feelings -- and from the sounds of it, depression -- you are struggling with, but we need to put an end to so much talk about irrational pregnancy fears. Thanks.

[Fender909]

Alright, Heather. You're right. It probably isn't the best idea to keep dwelling on it, because that'll just feed my fears.

This depression is tough, though. My therapist truly thinks that what I'm going through, my anxiety, isn't about pregnancy (or fear of it) but it's an underlying issue.

[Heather]

I'd be very surprised if they thought anything else. As you know, I agree with them on that.

It might help, when you are inclined to focus on these fears to consider that they can be a convenient distraction, even though they sure won't feel that way. But not only is this hyperfocus keeping you in that anxiety, it is also likely keeping you from figuring out what is really going on, and focusing and working on that so you can actually start to get some positive change.

[Fender909]

Yeah. I am really just trying to look forward to my appointment on the 3rd so I can talk to my doctor about everything I've been going through, mentally and physically. Hopefully I can figure out a method of coping with my anxiety and maybe I can start taking birth control.

My therapist told me that I am obviously not ready for this kind of sexual activity, (I agree with her, knowing how I'm feeling now) but that even if I'm abstaining from that sort of thing altogether, birth control might help ease my mind from being so terrified of pregnancy.

I also might be prescribed antidepressants soon, which I'm having mixed feelings about.

[Heather]

Want to talk about those feelings about medications? Happy to do that with you.

[Fender909]

Sure, thanks, Heather.
My therapist makes it sound from that the state she is seeing me in, she thinks medication will be really helpful for me. She's expressed this for the last three appointments I've had with her.

My boyfriend sees taking any medication as a negative thing. His mother is a prescription drug abuser and she takes antidepressants and muscle relaxers. He's very resentful towards her for everything she takes. He got kind of worked up one time when I took ibuprofen for a headache. He told me "I didn't need it."

I always try to take pills like ibuprofen as little as possible, because of my own reasons. It's been that way my whole life.

I brought up to him that my therapist was recommending antidepressants for me and he didn't react well. He thinks that people who need antidepressants are "stooping down" to them. I tried explaining to him that some people can't function without them, and that they simply help some people to get out of bed in the morning, but he has some block on them.

If it really means helping my anxiety and depression, I wouldn't be opposed to taking them, despite what my boyfriend thinks. But it makes me kind of upset that he is so opposed to me finding a way to get out of this pit I've dug myself into. I don't know if I would just keep it from him if I started taking them, or if I would be upfront with him and tell him if he really has a problem with my trying to function normally, then he can find another girl with less problems. I don't know. I'm conflicted.

[Heather]

It's been sounding like your boyfriend, in general, has not been very supportive around any kind of mental healthcare. It also sounds like he's not doing a good job of owning his own biases and leaving you room to make your own choices with this. have you asked him to please be supportive, acknowledge you and his mother are not the same person, and do his best to let you make your choices, for yourself, instead of the way he's been doing things? I think you're right to be upset with how he has been approaching this, and by all means, if you feel like you have to keep taking care of yourself a secret from him, you have to know something is very, very wrong in your relationship right now.

I don't say that to give you one more thing to stress about, but it's been clear that his feelings, and his life, and this relationship HAVE been playing a role in all of this, and it sounds like that role is less often positive than it is negative, you know?

Can you have a conversation like that with him and see if he'll step it up, see YOU and not just himself (or his mother) and change? I know this relationship is important to you, but by all means, this just isn't okay. I'm so sorry he's been so unsupportive.

It sounds like you already know that use of medications, any medications, be it an Advil or an SSRI, isn't abuse of medications. Loads of people use medications like anti-depressants and benefit from them and never abuse them. The issue with abuse of these medications isn't the medication, it's about people who have issues with addiction, period. An addict can find ways to abuse everything from prescription medications to hamburgers to soda to shoes. It's not those things which are the problem, it's the way someone with addiction is using them.

The great thing about medications is that a person can try them, see how they work, and find out if they help or not. If they don't, you can try switching to something else, and if a few types don't help, you also absolutely can stop taking them. These are all choices for you, choices that people in your life who care about you should be behind you on, and doing what they can to back you up with, not influence your choices with their feelings.

I have to tell you, I remain concerned that it sounds like your boyfriend isn't very able to really see past himself and his life to really see you. I know from our conversations that you are a tremendously caring person who works hard to see him and what he needs and be supportive, and the least you deserve is someone who is at least making effort to do the same. I hope if you have a conversation about this, it's productive and he gets some clues about it. If not, this is something else I'd bring up with your therapist, okay? No partner should stand in the way of their partner taking care of themselves responsibly and to the best of their ability. You have been making real efforts to take care of yourself and these issues, and I hate to see anyone undermining that effort (which it is, btw: you're not "stopping," you're working and putting real effort in, for crying out loud).

I also want to add that his attitudes here aren't about you being "a girl with problems." Even someone without depression and anxiety is going to have their own stuff they need to deal with, and that can always mean in a way that isn't how a partner would choose for themselves, you know? Being with someone doesn't mean we're the same people who think the same things. Additionally, I do think some of this is likely him just kind of saying to you what he has been saying to himself to avoid the mental healthcare HE has obviously needed. Sometimes someone coming at this this way, when they are someone struggling with this stuff themselves but not seeking help, is more about their own denials and their own lack of care than it is about you.

IOW, I think his problems and those of his family are driving this car WAY more than you or your issues probably are.

I'm so sorry, Fender, to hear about this coming from him. You have so much on your plate already, and you need support from the people in your life, not people putting up barriers or blockades to things that might help you.

[Fender909]

I really agree with you in a lot of ways. I need, badly, support in my life right now. I don't know where I would be without the amount I have now. I feel like I'll fall apart without it.

Since my depression has begun, and I know he's been through depression, I asked him how he dealt with it and what he did to feel better. He never really gives me answers that feel better. I don't know how much I can actually blame him, though.

He just says stuff like "It takes time."

And when I say things like "I don't want to feel this way anymore." He says "I don't know what to tell you."

It actually makes me feel crappy, more than anything. I really do need to talk with him about how I'm taking care of myself.

I've also had fears of him breaking up with me because of my depression and anxiety. If he really is going to disrespect my need and right to find help and happiness for myself, I don't think I want to be dating him anyway, but him breaking up with me just seems like too much for me to handle on top of everything else right now.

He seems to respect me when I say we should take a step back from the sexual things we're doing, but I think he gets frustrated when I'm so depressed. That makes me upset and a little mad, because you're right, I try to be so, so supportive to him. I try my best to help him. But when this shitty stuff is in my life, I feel like he just stands on the sidelines and watches while I suffer.

We had a conversation a little about how I'm feeling before, and he said something like "All I can do is be a good boyfriend and be kind to you. I don't know what else to do."

When we have conversations like that it kind of leaves me feeling empty and helpless. I need to figure out when/where to have a good, productive conversation with him.

[Keda]

Y'know, I don't have views nearly as strong as your boyfriend's; but on the basis of the medical stuff I've read, I'm very sceptical about SSRIs. But my girlfriend takes them, and that's 110% her decision. She finds that they help her, and whatever I might think about the likelihood of that having a medical basis, doesn't change the fact that one way or another, they make her life easier and she feels that they are part of the support she needs. So I completely support her in taking them. When you're not talking about things that you consider morally wrong, there really has to be a clear distinction between "I have these beliefs and, because of them, in your situation I think I would make different choices" and "You shouldn't make those choices because I don't believe in them".


Also, a big part of being in a romantic relationship with someone is trying to help look after their emotional needs. It might be your boyfriend just doesn't know what to do, in which case I'd suggest you make a concrete request of him and see if he follows it through (the first request might be "I know how you feel about medicine, but it's a decision I am going make on my own, so please back off"). If he does, that's a good start! But if he doesn't - then really, as much as breaking up does suck, it might suck more to stay in a relationship where you're not getting the support you need and where you're actually getting a load more stress off your boyfriend's actions.

I think if you can manage a couple of concrete requests, you'll at least come out of the conversation feeling like you've learned something about him - that might be that he's going to try harder or it might be that he's not really bothered, but either way, it wouldn't be a waste of time, you know?

[Fender909]

Yeah, I think I can do that. I'll spend some time thinking about what I really want from him as a partner and then find the right time to bring it up.

Is there any way we could discuss my spotting? Either here or in another place? It's kind of confusing me and freaking me out. I don't know if it's a cause for concern.

[Mo]

I don't think discussing the spotting would be productive as there's no way we or any of our users can tell you what might be causing it. You have a doctor's appointment coming soon, and that's going to be the best time to bring this up.
In addition, Heather did set a limit with you yesterday about circling back to pregnancy risk/body discussion: http://scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php? ... 4471#p4477 We're not setting these limits to be jerks, but because going over these fears over and over again isn't helpful in the long run: http://scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php? ... ance#p4169

[Kela]

Hi!! sorry I'm a bit late back with a reply

Heathers right, its counter productive to focus on irrational pregnancy fears but yes, I was exactly the same. I'm glad to hear you're with a therapist to help you through this, I really do feel that it is the best road to recovery in situations like this
In my counselling I have recently started, we are going right back to the beginning and discussing things from when I was very young, to see if we can shed light on the roots of my anxieties, both around pregnancy and other things.
I would also say that, I in the past made the mistake of, when I was feeling reasonably okay, not seeking out counselling, and only considering it when things got really bad. I'm sure you've already been told this, but it is essential that you continue with the support from your therapist even when you go through the phases of feeling okay

One last thing...I've just read through what you're saying about the relationship with your boyfriend and, again, I had exactly the same problem in my relationship!! To an extent, it is difficult for someone who doesn't suffer with anxiety and depression to understand fully what you're going through, so I don't think your boyfriend is being malicious at all, anxiety is a complex condition. But I understand how it makes you feel so alone, even though you know you shouldn't feel that way when you're in a relationship.

Hope this helps!! Here if you want to talk X