Scarleteen

My boyfriend and I recently started having sex. We’re both STD/STI free. About a week ago we had unprotected sex (I’m not pregnant, I’ve had a period since) and we used the withdrawal method. We absolutely HATED the risk and danger that came along with it, but we felt closer when he didn’t wear a condom. It seems more intimate if that makes sense. Is that normal or are we weird?

This discovery was in perfect timing because I’m going on birth control next week. I want to know if we can have sex without a condom if I’m on birth control and taking it responsibly. I fully anticipate taking it regularly. If I use it correctly, and he finishes in me, honestly will the birth control be enough? Or should we try to feel the same intimacy with a condom? Either way I have to take the birth control because of extremely painful and heavy periods. But I want to get the full use out of it if I can.

Honestly we’re going to college in a little over a month, so we will be more sexually active than usual. We want to maximize intimacy and minimize the risk of pregnancy. In short: Do birth control pills work as well as advertised?

Hi Brows_andlashes,

Birth control pills have a typical effectiveness rate of 91%. So, they are a highly effective method of birth control, but if you're trying to minimize the risk of pregnancy, you'd want to back up with a second method. You can read more about the pill, how it works, and how to make it be the most effective it can be, here: Combined Oral Contraceptives (The Pill)

You're certainly not the first people to feel as though going condom-less adds another layer of intimacy. In fact, that's a very common belief. I really like how Heather addresses that issue, and makes an argument as to how condoms can actually add to feelings of intimacy, here: Love the Glove: 10 Reasons to Use Condoms You Might Not Have Heard Yet

Okay. Thank you.
Another question. Sex is really. REALLY. REALLY awkward. It feels good but it’s so awkward. We have been together for quite some time now and he is my best friend in the whole world, so I wasn’t expecting us to feel awkward. He makes the experience very loving and caring and whatnot... but its just so awkward! I don’t want to feel like I’m turning him off even though he says he loves me no matter what happens during sex. I get that, but I want to feel like I’m sexy to him and I guess I don’t. I don’t know what’s wrong >:/

Can you give me a little more detail about how it's awkward? For instance, is something about communicating that feels awkward? Something about your body (or his, or both)? Something else entirely?

Well it doesn’t feel natural. We’ve only had sex twice and we’ve done other sexual things before that weren’t awkward. When we talk about it over the phone it feels natural and romantic. But when we’re having sex it’s like he is trying hard to impress me or whatever when he doesn’t have to. He already knows what I like cause we’ve talked about it before. Sexually, I dont have very many limits so I’m okay with doing a lot of things. And if he wants to try something new we talk about it. If we’re both okay with it we do it next time. But we’ll get there and I’ll have to ask him if he really wants to be with me because he seems so standoffish and quiet. When in life he is extremely outgoing and romantic and funny. And in the beginning of our relationship we decided to wait to have sex so that we could learn about each others likes/fears/wants. we did that specifically to avoid feeling awkward with each other. But I feel like I’m not making him happy I guess

That detail is very helpful, thanks! It sounds a little like there are two major things going on. One is that sex doesn't feel natural. The truth is that, even for people who've been together for awhile (or sexual with each other for awhile), there will be times when sex is awkward and fumbly. It doesn't always flow in the way people expect it to. That's just part of sex, and it's likely to be an even bigger part of it when you're first being sexual with someone; sometimes you need to check-in a lot during sex, or you have to adjust, or someone gets distracted by something that's worrying them and zones out for a bit. All things considered, the awkwardness itself isn't something to worry about. But, if you feel like he's trying to impress you and that's making things weird, that's definitely something to talk to him about. Have you two spoken about it before?

Similarly, have you two talked about how you're feeling like he's standoffish during sex and how that makes you feel? If you're feeling like you're not making him happy during sex, are there certain actions or reactions you're looking for that would help you know he's enjoying himself?

He talks a lot regularly but during sex he’s really quiet. It makes me feel like he feels obligated to do it with me. I wanted to talk to him but I don’t know how to bring it up. I guess I just feel kind of embarrassed about it

I think this article might help you out right now, since it goes into how to have some of those trickier conversations about sex and expectations with a partner: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner. Is there are particular part of that conversation that feels embarrassing?

It my also help to keep in mind that how much (or how little) noise people make during sex is really varied. Some people are very vocal, others are very quiet even when they're enjoying themselves. Too, sometimes people are quiet during sex because they're self conscious about the noises they make, or are afraid that the sounds or words they say will somehow be "wrong." I really like how Heather breaks it down in this article: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... _arent_any.