Struggling with Asexual Tension, Need Help

[Slowmo35]

Recently my brain and body have been in a conflict that has ravaged my sexual identity and thrown me into a sexuality crisis that I need to solve. I am on the asexual spectrum, and for me that means it is very difficult for me to reach a state of sexual arousal. Anything I have found that does work has only a mild effect on me. This by itself is perfectly fine, I have accepted my sexuality and even have a girlfriend who is also on the asexual spectrum and we are both only interested in pursuing a romantic relationship which is fantastic for the two of us.

The problem lies with my age and hormonal makeup. Being 16, it is expected that i would have a very intense sexual drive. However, this raised a huge conflict between my brain and body. My hormones are pulling me in a direction that I am not mentally capable of going and the tension it creates is unbearable.

For others, sexual tension is relieved through sexual acts however for myself nothing is arousing and therefore there are no ways to quell my sexual drive. I have tried masturbation to no avail. I can’t stand this feeling of tension and frustration and I need to know how to deal with it. Please help me, I need to relieve this pressure, this is becoming unbearable.

[Heather]

Hey there, Slowmo, welcome to the boards.

I think there's a misunderstanding wrapped up in all of this, so I want to start by clearing that up. The hormones that elevate during puberty aren't something that get "relieved" or otherwise changed when people engage in sexual activity. In other words, nothing really changes after people have sex when it comes to those hormones, and those hormones also aren't solely or even primarily *responsible* for the desire to be sexual or for arousal, though they do tend to increase sexual desire for people.

Generally, when people experiencing sexual desire engage in satisfying masturbation or sex with a partner, they will feel some resolution when it comes to their sexual desires (a lot like when you are craving a certain food, you feel satisfied if you eat some of that food, both because you were hungry in general, but also for that thing specifically), but that's about that desire, and also about some different neurochemicals (like dopamine and vasopressin), not their sex hormones (testosterone and estrogen).

That person will come to whatever sex they had with their testosterone and estrogen levels being whatever they are, and typically experience elevated testosterone levels throughout that activity, but when it's over, they just go back to the level they started at, not to a level *lower* than that. Make sense?

I'd have to hear a little bit more about how you're feeling to be sure, but what it sounds like to me is that you are perhaps feeling desire -- and some of that may be about hormones, just not in the way it sounds like you're thinking, and that also likely isn't all it's about -- you weren't before (which isn't surprising, given your age, and not just because of hormones, just like it isn't surprising you were feeling less before now by that same token alone) and for you, that's something you are feeling in your body, but don't feel like you're feeling in your mind.

You also say you can't experience arousal, but, unless I'm misunderstanding, it sounds like what you're saying is that that's changed, and that in fact you ARE now feeling arousal, and it's just not something that, so far, you have found anything that seems to answer and resolve that for you. To be clear, and be sure we're on the same page, sexual arousal generally includes things like erections (penile or clitoral), the body feeling more tingly or sensitive, increased heart rate, or flushing. Does that all sound about right?

[Heather]

I also just found another version of this you've posted that has some slightly different information, so I want to add that here and respond to a couple things in it that I think are important:

I’ve noticed that I’ve been having an increasing amount of sexual tension in recent weeks. I am a part of the asexual spectrum and it is very, very difficult to find anything sexually appealing or arousing. The problem is, my body and brain have been in conflict. Being 16, my hormonal changes have triggered huge physical drive, yet mentally I am entirely uninterested in sex. (I have experienced sexual abuse in the past, however thankfully it doesn’t play particularly much of a part, although it’s important to note that because of this, strong sexual imagery can be very distressing for me.) This had been a point of immense tension for me as I am practically incapable of relieving this tension through means such as masturbation. Even if I were mentally capable of arousal, I have a girlfriend who is also asexual and is not okay with sexual relations. (Which I absolutely respect and am totally okay with.) I don’t know how to deal with this ever increasing tension between my brain and body. Please help me be at peace with myself!

Like I said earlier, it's very unlikely that this is mostly about hormones, at least not in the way it sounds like you're thinking.

But I also hear two things besides your ace identity that are probably making this feel like a big conflict for you: your history of sexual abuse, and you feeling like having feelings of desire of any kind create a conflict in your existing relationship. I imagine these issues are creating a pretty huge emotional conflict and reaction to these feelings of what, again, sounds like sexual desire and/or physical arousal. Do you feel like it's wrong for you, in the relationship you're in, to have feelings of desire? Does it make you feel worried for or about your relationship?

In terms of your history of abuse, can I ask if you've had any help healing from that so far, like with a qualified counselor?

[Slowmo35]

Hi Heather! First off, I would like to thank you for this wonderful place you’ve put together to help people such as myself.

Looking at it more carefully, it’s rather difficult to describe the feeling I’m having. There’s this strong desire for stimulation but there is nothing yet that can fulfill that due to my sexuality. It is quite natural for my age, but it’s causing me quite a bit of undue stress and discomfort, especially when some unnamed internal process elevates this desire.

About the relationship, this has been a huge worry for me. My girlfriend and I have not considered sexuality within our relationship besides the mutual agreement to forego it. That agreement it completely okay for me as sexual activity can be quite stressful and mentally exhausting for me when it involves another person. (It may be important to note that that I have both Autism and OCD which make sexual relationships grueling for me.)

Physically, however, I feel sexual desire to a similar level to my peers, if not the same. A variety of disorders and previous experience has led me to realize that sexual exploits are not for me. I would be totally okay if that could carry over to my desire. My asexuality is not caused by a hormonal imbalance, in which case my brain and body would likely operate at similar levels, but it is instead only mental factors that contribute.

I have been getting help with my abuse and it has a far smaller effect on me than it did before. However I will always carry memories and scars that may cause at least mild discomfort in the face of sexual action.

Maybe spinning it this way may help, I have a bit of difficulty articulating this, for which I apologize! So what happens is I reach an elevated level of sexual desire and it feels as though I need to get it out. Fine, anyone else would just find a suitable (hopefully consenting) partner or find material that suits their needs. I have neither, for a number of reasons. My girlfriend is also asexual and for me to even engage in sexual activity in the first place, I would undergo immense mental exhaustion and anxiety, as would she. (She is also Autistic, it’s pretty crazy. Our relationship is so smooth because we’re on the same level.) As for material, I have yet to find anything that arouses me to the point of completion, which I actually haven’t experienced in months. At that point, I’m just left to wish for relief from the tension and it makes it hard to sleep, enjoy myself elsewhere and have healthy interactions with others. It basically impedes my life.

[Heather]

You're welcome: thanks for the appreciation!

I get how tricky it can be to try and put such nebulous things into words: thanks for trying, this helps me understand better.

So, there's a lot here, and I'm happy to talk about any of it. One conversation that's a bit to the side of what you're asking, but that I think might be worth having is to talk about how, should anything ever change for you or your girlfriend, sexuality being as fluid as it is, that does NOT have to mean either of you has to have sex with the other OR that your non-sexual romantic relationship has to end. It seems like this is giving you a good deal of worry, so I'd love to try and help you put most of that worry to bed. It sounds like you've got a relationship you really value, and really I don't think that if either of you wound up changing so fas as asexuality goes, that you'd have to lose it: I'm sorry you've been feeling fear around that.

In the interim, let's see what we can do to help you find some ways to experience some physical relief with all of this.

Typically, when people feel sexual desire and/or arousal, if they just don't do anything about it or distract themselves with something else, it'll just fade away pretty quickly (in anything from minutes to a day or two, I'd say). Does that not work for you? If it doesn't, some of why might be because of your OCD: do you feel like you have good ways of managing that? Have you tried applying them to this?

Too, if this all feels very expressly physical, and like, when you can't sate it, it doesn't stick in your head but does feel like it's stuck in your body, have you tried working it out in other ways that can do some things similar to sexual stimulation/activity? Things like engaging in strong sensual (vs. sexual) activity like, say, cooking and eating an elaborate meal, or dancing or making music? Or physical activity like some from of exercise?

[Slowmo35]

Thank you for such quick replies!

You are absolutely right about the fluidity of sexuality, it’s something I’ve been advocating for the past year! I’m prepared to talk to my girlfriend if something may fundamentally change for myself and I’ve been talking to her about ways she can be open about her sexuality to me. I’ve been building a trust and ensuring she is aware that no topic or conversation is off-limits and that I will respect her opinions no matter what. Sexual relations are definitely more of an extension of a much bigger relationship, my main worry is that if something may change, it could leave a sexual divide between us in terms of desire and comfort level. I have no doubt that we can work such a thing out, however, so it isn’t my main concern.

Waiting for my desire to subside used to work fairly well, but it’s accumulated to a point such that now it almost never subsides by the time a new desire boils up.

My OCD has basically always been manageable except for when it comes to sexuality. Since sexuality is fairly dark water for me at the moment, it’s a bit difficult to tailor my strategies to it. That being said, my strategies do a good job of helping me push through it and I hope some day I may have the ability to completely bypass it.

I have certainly had a lot of very strong sensual/physical feelings not related to sex, and applying these is something I had not considered until now! I have an extensive music library from the depths of 90s Seattle, which in and of itself was an intense period so it does a fantastic job of invoking huge feeling. I do absolutely love baking and it’s something I haven’t been into as much recently but I can certainly give it a try. Thank you so much for the suggestions! If something goes awry I’ll be sure to come back.

[Heather]

Okay. So, feelings of physical arousal or desire can't actually accumulate like you're thinking. You might find yourself feeling more and more frustrated with them when they happen, or building up some muscle tension from the stress they seem to be causing you, and your frustration could accumulate, and these feelings might be getting louder and louder, but that still isn't them "accumulating." I'm not trying to nitpick semantics, just trying to be clear about what is and isn't actually possible here. There's no place in our bodies where we can store unmet desire like that.

That said, this again might be something where because of your OCD, it can really feel like that. Have you asked the therapist you see to talk with you about your OCD and these feelings? If not, I'd advise it.

So true about grunge (I remember)! What about turning some of that on and up and then seeing what happens when you pair it with some kind of very physical expression like yelling with it (if you can) or dancing/jumping around to it?

I'm happy to talk with you about this more anytime, and/or to talk more about managing any or all of this within your relationship if you like, too.