Scarleteen

Hia

I'm 16 currently, due to be 17 in August. I've had a total of 5 sexual partners; lost my virginity either just before or just after turning 15. When I was a lot younger, say pre teen or early teen, I began masturbation using an electric toothbrush as I could never reach orgasum otherwise. I feel like this was mainly a disconnect from my body, as I've had a history with mental illnesses such as depression and eating disorders.

Additionally, when I was a child, I remeber being really comfortable with feeling myself (as a lot of children do), but not neciseraly in a sexual sense. I just used to put my hand there really. Anyhow, I don't think my mum really understood and she used to get really angry with me for doing that, and making me almost feel ashamed. I know for a fact that wasn't intentional; she simply didn't understand, and it probably scared her in some sense.

Today, I can only reach orgasum using a vibtator. I've never orgasumed during sex, although it does feel nice at times. It's more that I simply can't connect with my body. It's like my apathy consumes me and shuts off my connection to my body, thus making my vagina feel numb and kinda dead, haha.

This isn't simply in a sexual sense, either. When I'm seeing someone and its casual, I get turned on a lot more easily, although I still don't orgasum or even really feel much sometimes. However, when that casual relation develops and blossoms into something deeper, my emotions shut off. I can't feel the love, passion or spark I know is there and I'm consumed with apathy once again. It goes without saying that I also experience this feeling in a sexual sense with my devoted partners; more so in fact. Partly, I feel as if this is the residue of me dealing with past experience of emotional abuse from my father. Although I've worked through most of it on a conscious and partly subconscious level, it's as if my mind automatically puts up these walls of apathy so thick that I can barely hear or feel the colours and beauty of life. The saddest things is that these walls only begin to crumble when I lose my partner, and the realisation of what they mean to me is revealed (although I already knew; I just couldn't feel it).

In conjuction with the above points on relationships, I feel as if my apathy also comes from a place of feeling as if I'm giving a hella lot more than I'm receiving. My ex never used to go down on me; my current partber did when we were casual, but now barely does. Granted, I would offer oral whereas they usually wouldn't, but that's simply beceause I enjoy learning how to please people. It makes me feel good to learn how to make other people feel good. But yeah, it's just annoying feeling like I'm the one constantly performing foreplay, and that they never or hardly ever spontaneously touch me or go down on me. Maybe I'm being a tad over dramatic, as my current partner does try to please me, but he'd also quite happily have me do all the work :')

Anyhow, what would you suggest? How can I improve my sensitivity and overall sex life, and would using alternative methods of masturbation besides vibtators help at all? Also, are you able to suggest anything regarding coping with apathy/how to truly overcome it?

I really appreciate all of this lovelies. Big love xxx

Hi Loife,

Firstly, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with emotional abuse from a parent. You mentioned that you've done some work healing from that. Has that work included things like counseling at all?

Too, can you give me a sense of whether this apathy only comes into play in relationships and sex? Or do you notice yourself having trouble feeling passionate or emotionally invested about other relationships or pursuits in your life?

With your current partner, have you spoken to them at all about those feelings of one-sidedness? If so, how did that conversation go? And in terms of orgasm from sex, have you taken a look at this article: The Great No-Orgasm-from-Intercourse Conundrum?

You're certainly welcome to try alternate forms of masturbation, but I doubt using a vibrator is the culprit in terms of the apathy or lack of pleasure you're experiencing. You can read all about different ways of masturbating here: Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation.

Hia again

Yeah, I've had a looot of counciling, haha. Emotionally, I'm pretty healthy at the moment. It's just kinda like the apathy is the residude; the radiation remaining from all the trauma I guess. I feel it a hella lot more in romatical scenarios, but I do feel it generally anyhow. I struggle to simply feel what I know is true in my heart really, and I lose motivation quickly. I'm feeling better than usual atm, but it's just an annoying sensation really. I don't feel like I can get fully invested in a lot of things because of it.

In terms of talking to my partner, I have had brief conversations, but I haven't seen him for a while and it's sometimes hard to have a serious conversation, haha. He's great though, and I know I really do love him; it's juts hard to feel it. I also only learnt that word recently, so I haven't actually had the chance to properly talk to him about it. Its really helped to find a word to decribe me, because it means I can't understand me a lot more.

Thank you for the recommendations, I'll look them up

Big love xx