Scarleteen

Dear Scarleteen Staffs,

Hi, I want to ask about my difficulty in vagina penetration.
During masterbation, I feel odd that I am having a hard time actually putting a dildo or more than two fingers in my vagina. I like stimulating with clitoris and I have no problem in climaxing, and I enjoy it often, but I feel so hard to do penetration.
First of all, I feel pain when finger or dildo goes even slightly into my vagina. Moreover, I fear if the penetration will cause a health problem. To specify, I am scared if I would hurt myself by putting something in, and germs carry into my body.
Even after doing a slight vagina penetration, I feel constantly worried and guilty for some hours.
And I can't trust or buy lubes. I feel there would be bad chemical or germs, even if advertisements state that they are 100 percent safe.
Something related to this is that, I usually feel fear and discomfort while seeing a penetration related things (be it a sex education, tampon, etc). It's so confusing that I'm good with watching porn with it.
The penetration doesn't feel natural to me. I want to explore how to do this for myself and for my future partner. I'm worried because I will want to try penetration sex with someone, be it a female or male, but I have to restrict it.
And when I when I talk with my closest friend about her sex experience with males, I feel left behind. I want to open up to her that I am worried about me being unable in penetration, but I feel shameful.

Can you give me some tips? I'm in a culture where sharing information about sex is quite restricted, especially because I'm female.

Hi ddd103,

Real quick, if you're concerned about germs during masturbation, the easiest thing to do is make sure you wash your hands before and after, and that you use a condom on any dildos that use. Too, if insertion is something you struggle with, at certain point lube is going to be necessary. If it helps, think about it this way: if people were picking up germs left and right from using lube, we as sex educators wouldn't recommend using it the way we do. If chemicals are a concern, there are certain brands of lube that are more "natural" than others, and we can talk about those if you'd like.

When you're trying to insert things during masturbation, are you really turned on both physically and mentally? And what if, for the time being, you gave yourself permission to only do the things during masturbation that you know feel really good, rather than something that seems to be stressing you out?

Hello, when buying lube, is there tips in choosing it? I might be looking for water based lube because I saw that it is compatible with toys / condoms and easy to use. is this recommendable?
and, is there some specific brand and product that is natural, and you could recommend?
I can't really say whether I am turned on by thinking of or doing penetration. I guess I'm not mentally turned on about penetration.
But I want to be able to do it, because I have been thinking that my sexual life will be better when I be able to do penetration. I don't know why, but I kinda have a habit of thinking that penetration is a mature thing, and I should be able to do it. I know this sounds not good, but I habitually think this way. And, I feel left out because there is many things that describe about good penetration sex or masterbation, while I didn't see anyone who hasn't done penetration. As you described in your reply, I think it's good to only do the things during masterbation that I know feel really good, but at the same time, I feel like I have to be ready in case of partnered sex. Are these probably stressing myself?

We've got a great primer on lube here: Lube 101: A Slick Little primer!

I'm afraid I'm not familiar with South Korean brands, so I can't give any recommendations there. But that article can fill you in on types so it should be pretty easy to make a choice.

I don't think it's accurate to assume that if you engage in sexual activities where a penis or anything else is inside your vagina your sex life with be better than it would without that. Particularly since so many people who engage in that activity -- most especially people with vaginas -- don't find it all that satisfying by itself, that just isn't an assumption based in reality. In reality the kinds of things that make for a great sex life aren't really which activities you do so much as that everyone is doing whatever activities they like, want and feel good for them uniquely, and then other things like communicating well, treating one another with care, creativity and a sense of fun.

Your own masturbation should be about what you like and feels good for you. It's about your own pleasure, not some kind of exercise anyone has to to be be ready "in case of sex with a partner." Truly, if your own masturbation isn't all about what's good for you, there's nothing it can give you to help sex with a partner anyway, because the way masturbation tends to help with that (when it does) is mostly about learning what you like through masturbation so you can tell or show a partner. Make sense?