confusing results

[phantomdog]

hi everyone,

my boyfriend got tested for sexually transmitted infections last week, and finally received his results on friday. we were concerned because he had previously gotten tested at a different organization (who did not provide physical results or even a callback number to schedule followup consultations), who called and told him everything was negative, but they found hepatitis c antibodies in his blood. after trying to call them back, we just decided to go to the health center downtown who does testing for free. again, everything came back negative but the staff member who told him his results (i was not in the room) said the hep c results were non-confirmatory and that he can come back in 3 months to be tested again. he didn't have the papers that i could look at and see what the staff member maybe meant, because as far as i know "non-confirmatory" is not a valid result. he didn't have the papers because the staff asked if he wanted them and he said he didn't care, so they were shredded. i was upset with him about this. we don't know anything we didn't know before and it has me very aggravated with that staff member for not being clear and with my boyfriend for getting rid of the papers, it was just such a stupid decision. does anybody have any insight as to what could be happening? or should he go back and request another copy of his papers?

[Heather]

They won't have destroyed his health records, so by all means, they'll be able to provide other copies of whatever paperwork they gave him.

If a confirmatory test was done for Hep C, then what they *may have* meant if they said non-confirmatory is that the test was negative. That'd be a weird way to say negative to a patient, since it's super unclear, but who knows. But again, your boyfriend can call the clinic and and ask them to clarify this.

That said, it sounds to me like your boyfriend's behaviour around all of this is either passive-aggressive (or just plain passive) or very apathetic. I hear you asking all of these questions, and I get why you're concerned, but I'm also concerned at what sounds like him either not caring very much himself around all of this OR acting out by doing things like shredding the paperwork or not asking for clear information so both of you can have it with that phone call. How do you feel about that?

[phantomdog]

it was an antibody screening test, so non-confirmatory wouldn’t make sense. i asked him why he wouldn’t keep the papers, he said it makes him uncomfortable and he wouldn’t want them lying around where anybody could read them, and that the entire medical setting was stressing him out. i’m going to make him go back and get the papers reprinted because this is getting me angry that this is an issue at all. not to mention the entire time i had to do all the talking for him (requesting the services, requesting the results), he started crying when the nurse asked him about his sexual activity. it was so ridiculous. and to think he’s older than me.

[Heather]

I understand your frustration.

At the same time, I want to be sure to make clear that a lot of people suffer from medical anxiety, and that's not usually about age or necessarily about lacking maturity. It also sounds like this entire situation also includes what is obviously a problematic dynamic in your relationship -- be it just about this, or larger than this -- so it's hardly surprising he's very stressed out about this, especially if he also has medical anxiety in general, which he's told you he does. As you know yourself, phobias and anxiety aren't rational, alas, so people with them can't just buck up and make themselves feel differently, save very momentarily. They're mental illnesses that generally require treatment to learn to manage.

I feel like what you are thinking about for your next step is sounding a bit...parental to me, and not in a good way. I would not suggest you go that route, basically marching him back to the clinic like a kid who did something bad. I think if you want your relationship to have a better dynamic than it has around this, that's not a good call.

I hear that you, understandably, want the results of his test. That is of course totally fair, as this is about your health, too. So, what I would suggest you do is make an ask and a limit with that, and leave it to him how (and if) to answer that. I would say that you want to know the results of his test that will tell you definitively if he has Hep C or not. He can get those to you by getting that paperwork reprinted, he could get it to you by asking the clinic to call you, he could get it by you both (if you're open to this) going back to that clinic and getting the results that way: you don't care how he gets it, you just need that information and you need it as soon as possible, but, let's say, no later than the end of the week.

I'd also ask for some time to sit down together and talk about the dynamics of all this, where you can both talk about your feelings and frustrations and see if you can't find some resolution and some different ways to address these kinds of issues moving forward. In the event that what's happened here is that he wasn't already getting tested before you two were intimate, so some of your hard feelings have to do with taking risks you wish you wouldn't have, or feel differently about now than when you took them, I'd both own that but also talk it through, too. If that is a thing that was part of this, one thing you might consider with future partners is making it a rule to wait to be physically intimate until you've talked about testing and only when a potential partner is current already with their screenings.

Per your other post, it also sounds like one larger issue you two may need to talk about is how to make it work between two people who have phobias/anxiety that can clash, and make one or both of you feel like you have to suffer in order for the other person not to.

This has obviously been very upsetting for both of you, and you both sound like you're harboring some resentment around it. I'd do what you can to try and talk that through, because it feels, to me, like it's bleeding out all over this, so I can't imagine it isn't going to have a larger impact, especially if you don't work to resolve it (and I don't think getting these results will do that alone). Know what I mean?

[phantomdog]

hi heather,

we talked about it and he said he'd be willing to go to the health center and request a reprint of his results. once i get over this pesky cold we'll have a longer conversation like you suggested, i think you're right. thank you for your help

[Heather]

Glad that I was able to.