Scarleteen

Hi guys,

My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 3 years now. We're close and have lived together for a few years already. Our sexual relationship was incredible from the very beginning - despite always being an adventurous person in the bedroom, my current partner has shown me 'new doors'. Not to get too much into detail but he is the first partner I've ever had sex with and felt something unbelievable without having to make it all crazy and wild. It's just wild on its own, and when we have sex it literally feels for me like I've been transported. Maybe our intimate connection has something to do with it, but purely chemistry wise we seem to be just perfect for each other.

Just over a year ago, things started getting rocky in that department however. It seemed to not be so frequent anymore and I suddenly felt a little bit invisible. I have quite a high libido so I noticed. It went on and off for a few months, and I mentioned it once or twice. He told me it was stress of work, and the fact that once or twice he lost his erection that made it more of an urge to talk about it. At the time I felt very insecure so he explained to me it was stress.

I tried to believe him but not a lot of time passed before I could really take it in before something worse happened, and completely unexpected. As we were trying to get back into the swing of things, he just started losing his erections. Both of us were still under the pretence thinking it's stress, but even for him he got really confused. He got so confused that he admitted to me for a while he had this weird burning sensation in his pee, and eventually went to the doctor. The doctor confirmed he had a prostate infection, which would be difficult to treat on first round of anti-biotics but he'd be fine once it cleared up. One of the side effects is the inability to have an erection due to the 'full feeling' in the prostate. That cleared things up for us, but a month or so had already passed with some really jarring sexual experiences. No doubt they affected his confidence, but mine was really shattered too all this time thinking perhaps I wasn't attractive to him anymore. (even though nothing has changed).

Then things got even worse - the doctor was right and the prostate thing didn't go away after his first treatment. That took a month. Another treatment meant another month. For the first time in our entire relationship we couldn't be intimate together for about 2 and a half months, all the while I was going through weird insecurities but also trying to navigate this new experience. I felt all weirdly unfulfilled and he no doubt felt unmanly. In fact, I know he did because this was an incredibly messy period. Because I'd never been through something like this before I did the stupid thing of bursting out, telling him how I don't even feel like a woman anymore, how I just don't know how to cope with these feelings, how I feel like even though he can't get hard he has no interest in me. It wasn't that he couldn't get hard, it was that he didn't show any interest all of a sudden at all. It was just so jarring and I felt like an ogre to him.

He's a calm person, and tends to take things and process things in his own time. Communication also hadn't been worked on properly during this period where some issues began coming up, so he just kept listening to all these destructive feelings of mine, and didn't properly inform me how non-masculine he felt. I would eventually hear it but only after it getting quite emotional.

This period finally passed, and his confidence was definitely affected. By this point I began to understand a bit more from his point of view, but I can't help that it had damaged me so much. Looking back I really don't think I even understood what I felt properly. It was a mixture of confusion, fear, anger, resentment, but need, etc. I didn't actually resent him, I just felt resentful for what has suddenly happened to us, like 'why god' type thing. I guess I took it out on him. I told him something like 'just because you're better now don't think you can just grab me up like I'm ready when you need me. I need time to be okay with this'. I exaggerated and didn't properly think through what I said, so when he gave me space, I got upset at him for distancing himself. It was just a heap of mess.

Believe it or not, we eventually got to a bit more normality. We were able to have amazing sex again, but only very rarely. He obviously didn't approach me as often as he used to, and I started initiating again but obviously not very frequently either as I was scared and unsure of how he felt.

It was kind of like this, like just under the 'okay' level or balancing around it when we went through a different rough patch. We had to eventually address those communication issues which really impacted our relationship during this period. Although I'm making it sound like we are a little bit chaotic, we really aren't. These two events are really unusual for us and probably why we reacted so badly to them. Normally we are very balanced, content with each other, having regular arguments, mature, understanding etc. But anyway these issues had to be addressed, and again because we had never experienced this sort of thing it was rough for a bit. A few months later, we have grown a lot and have come out the other end as a more mature, experienced couple. I am so happy that we have found our route through and grown stronger. In fact it's been a few months now and it's been so great to be repairing and getting back to normality.

But now I realise, even though everything else is back to normal and has even improved, our sex life seems to never have recovered. It seems to be stuck in time, from last year in October. I spoke to him about it in very small doses here and there, and it's clear that he is now struck with SUCH a performance anxiety issue it's unreal. Most of the time even when we do have sex, I can sense he is so worried and not in the zone. Sometimes it'll be fine, but sometimes he will lose his erection midway.

I've been so confused why he's been "stuck" here even after he recovered and after being able to have good sex again, but I think up until a month ago when we fixed our communication I was still making one mistake. Although we had sex 'successfully' many times, the few times he did lose his erection, I got emotional and insecure again thinking it was me. I think that contributed to making him even more worried about losing it because it might upset me and make me think otherwise.

Now we've reached the present and my current dilemma: It's been bad for ages. I understand that his infection impacted his confidence a LOT, as did my reaction during this period, and even my reaction afterwards and insecurity. I decided a month ago to be trusting and show him that it's fine when he loses his erection and be more encouraging and positive. But one problem - he just doesn't approach me anymore.

Now that I've learned everything I've been doing wrong and see it from his point of view, I think he has gotten so afraid to approach me that the standard default is that I feel no sexual interest from him whatsoever. I've been trying to be patient, give him his space, and even considered initiating myself to make him feel good, but it's gotten so deep I am too afraid to even try that. Although I am prepared to react positively when something happens during sex (as I do expect it'll happen), I simply don't feel that I can initiate when he is SO shut off from me.

I tried to be patient for ages, but a few nights ago I spoke to him again. I didn't lose my cool or say anything negative, but I did tell him that it confuses me that he doesn't approach me anymore etc. Anyway we spoke about it and it was good because I was able to reassure him openly about some new things - like how I won't react badly anymore because I truly understand now and how I understand that this may have affected him - but I'm not so sure that this conversation will just help fix things and I don't know what to do. He explained that what was happening was that when we had a positive sexual experience, that only made him want to avoid the next time even more because he was so afraid of 'ruining it'. I told him it confused me because our relationship in general has been great again, and he said those things are separate to him - as in just because our relationship is great doesn't mean his sexual confidence is also improved. He said, in fact, that because our relationship was being repaired, he was even more afraid to 'ruin it' through sex. At the end of our discussion, I understood just how deeply his sexual confidence has been impacted, and he resolved to 'not avoid sex, even though it may not go as expected especially because now he knows I don't see it that way.' But I just don't know how convinced I am that he will do that.

He explained that when it's been 'good', he's even more likely to avoid sex. I made it clear that the more avoidance he shows the less likely I am to initiate (I feel totally put off and down). So how exactly can we ever move forward with this? I am so close to just breaking down. I can't believe how good our sex is, and for this to just be a huge cunt of a thorn in our sides?! At this point I am not talking from some 'sexual pleasure' perspective, but from the perspective that this problem is really impacting a huge part of our relationship and preventing us from continuing to repair.

I'm so sorry this is so long, but what can I do? I just about feel hopeless. Please help

Hi infinitynbeyond,

While it seems like you two have been talking a lot about this, it seems like there is another conversation that needs to be had about what "not avoiding" sex looks like. Are you two expecting it at the same frequency? Is he comfortable with you initiating? Are you? Too, did he give you any sense of what he thought "ruining" sex looked like?

If a lot of this is still tied to the issues he had with erection, have you two tried focusing on sexual activities that don't need that, or at least don't have it as the main focus (that could include oral sex on you, manual sex or mutual masturbation, incorporating toys into the mix)? If you haven't tried that yet, do you think he and your would be willing to do so?

Sam W wrote:Hi infinitynbeyond,

While it seems like you two have been talking a lot about this, it seems like there is another conversation that needs to be had about what "not avoiding" sex looks like. Are you two expecting it at the same frequency? Is he comfortable with you initiating? Are you? Too, did he give you any sense of what he thought "ruining" sex looked like?

If a lot of this is still tied to the issues he had with erection, have you two tried focusing on sexual activities that don't need that, or at least don't have it as the main focus (that could include oral sex on you, manual sex or mutual masturbation, incorporating toys into the mix)? If you haven't tried that yet, do you think he and your would be willing to do so?

Hi Sam,

Thank you for your response.

That's true, apart from a brief conversation about frequency, we have never really gotten into what "not avoiding" sex looks like. In that conversation he just reassured me that he does want it as much as me (which I indicated was a few times a week, or at least once a week) and that nothing has changed there. In terms of initiation, he has expressed that he does like/want that. So that's fine, but just throughout the past few months I explained to him I've found doing that even more difficult because of how shut off he's been. I told him that I can do that more naturally when I get at least some sexual attention from him, or when he at least shows some interest. He felt bad realising he wasn't doing that, so that was fine.

But you're right, apart from those two things, we have never really talked in further detail. And haven't gotten into detail of what he fears "ruined sex" is beyond his fears of losing an erection. Now that I think about it, when he does lose an erection it seems we both think 'sex is over' - maybe that's something that needs to change? I'm not sure if he'd be comfortable with all that but I suppose it's something we could talk about?

I'd be happy doing other activities that don't require him having an erection generally. I think he'd be okay with it too, I just wasn't sure if by doing that, we'd be ruining the 'flow' and being 'robotic'? The last thing I wanted was for our sex life to feel even less natural or prescribed.

I was always worried that maybe if I suggested us doing other things that didn't involve him having an erection, that was me saying "we don't need that part of you anymore" and that might make him feel even more redundant in that way?

I think you hit the nail on the head in saying that maybe the "loss of erection=sex is over" thought process needs to change. Partially because it's likely feeding the "oh no, if I lose the erection I've ruined sex" feeling for him, and partially because it's simply not true. That's why I asked about how open you two are to trying things that don't put the focus on his erection. In fact, it might even help to frame the lost erection as an opportunity, rather than a loss, to try something new or different. Since you're open to that potential direction, can you say a little more about those fears that doing different activities might ruin the flow or feel robotic?

With those worries about suggesting new things making him feel redundant, something that might be helpful to keep in mind (or remind him of) is that we have sex together as whole people. Part of what's awesome about that is when a body part isn't doing what we wish it would, or when we want to switch things up, there are lots of options for how to be sexual together. You're not just having sex with his penis, you're having sex with him. Does that make sense?

I want to just briefly add that if you have the idea that penis-in-vagina intercourse is the only kind of sex that's "natural," that's maybe something cultural that you learned, but it's not something that's actually based in reality and that reflects the real diversity of human sexuality. In reality, the whole of human sexual behavior -- not just currently, but through all of human history -- has most typically involved more than just intercourse, particularly when we're talking about people (which is the vast majority of people most of the time) who are having sexual relationships outside of very strict religious belief systems that present only sex for the purpose of procreation as acceptable.

Honestly, if anything is prescribed when it comes to people's sex lives, it's the idea that only PIV intercourse is sex (and everything else is either foreplay, not sex at all and/or an abberation), you know?

That is true yes, I see that sex is more than just intercourse. I guess, thinking about it, it comes back to my initial reaction when things started going funny. Because I was so convinced and terrified that his loss of erection meant he was not attracted to me anymore, I used to tell him ‘if you did really want me, it wouldn’t be like this.’ I know that’s really bad but I had no idea what that really meant at the time and I wish now I was a bit more careful. I was feeling hurt and didn’t know how to deal with being that insecure.

I think that confirms the whole cultural conditioning, which I think I reinforced into him as well. I’m not sure if he’s even up for trying new things at this stage, since it’s been going on for so long. Won’t it feel silly and strange? By robotic, I just meant that when we ‘naturally’ feel like being sexual, we ‘naturally’ end up doing things which involve penetration. I mean we do other things too, but it’s part of our normal routine, just how we feel like doing things. So when that part is gone, I suppose in a way it really does feel a bit odd for me. Then I start to think that if we continue, is that ‘natural’ for us? As in, are we just trying to force things when this isn’t what we would normally do if things worked? It almost feels like we are just compensating.

I think I’m a little bit conflicted though but not all of me believes that. A big part does, but then there’s another part of me that really just craves being with him, intimacy, being touched by him, and doing other intimate things with him, and I feel that really does count. And I feel sad that I’m shutting off the entire thing just because taking this step feels a bit new and strange. I think, if anything, if I spoke about this with my boyfriend it would be be perfect way to inject all the interesting sexy spicy stuff back in our lives, because actually when things were going great with us then the ‘other sexual stuff’ were things we did to make things better! They were things that made out sex life really saucy, rather than things we did to compensate (like toys, etc).

So you guys think if I talk to my boyfriend about us doing other things not solely including his erection, that will make him feel confident again and allow us to reconnect? Although it’ll feel new and strange for us, it won’t be compensating? I’m worried that he will see it that way also, then we will both just feel really strange doing it. But if he does feel up for it, then that will make me happy because it’s also a way of him realising he can actually satisfy me in loads of ways and it’s not all down to his penis.

I'll get to your bigger question in a moment, but I wanted to touch on what you said about intimacy. Has it felt like non-sexual intimacy has also been missing from your relationship recently? Or like, because sex was something you're both anxious about on some level, all physical touch kind of decreased?

I think framing it as exploration or mixing things up instead of compensating is a sound way to go. After all, other kinds of sexual activity aren't a consolation prize for when vaginal intercourse doesn't go as planned; they're things that are enjoyable in their own right (though, as you and Heather both noted, cultural conditioning can make it hard to believe that at first). It may also help to think of even the sex that feels "natural" to you sometimes still requires those pauses or conversations that you're worried may feel strange. Really, those conversations are going to be part of any sex life between two people (especially two people who've been together awhile) who want sex to feel dynamic and exciting rather than routine.

We can't say whether it'll make him feel confident again right off the bat, but talking to your boyfriend about the option we've been discussing is definitely something you should do as a next step. Do you feel like you're prepared to respond to some of the reactions he might have?

Non-sexual intimacy has been an ongoing topic in our relationship. He grew up much more reserved than I did, so it's been an ongoing progress towards him being more physically affectionate. Sometimes it's good, other times it's a little bit lacking but he's still very loving in other ways. Only time I've noticed that physical affection has been affected by the whole sex thing is when we're laying in bed - I sense he's more reserved and probably 'worried I will get the wrong signal' and then he'll have to 'perform'. I have reassured him that he can be affectionate with me in bed and I won't assume anything is happening, but lately when things have been bad sex-wise, I've been a little confused why he's been affectionate in bed but never taken it further.

That's true, I see how these things can be framed as exploration and mixing things up - which I do want to do. So that does make me happy and feel more open. I do want to go ahead with this then and talk to him about it.

The only thing I'm slightly worried about in our coming discussion is that, like with the non-sexual intimacy, he will not really know much about it. He's not a very 'sensual' person and is just trying to get into it with my help, and in this case I'm not sure if I'm a good 'teacher' because I'm also trying to navigate it myself. I want things to be mutual and not me be the teacher, but I'm not really sure how to have a discussion where we are both exploring and neither of us really know which way is best lol. Maybe just a lot of thinking out loud? I think as long as I'm patient and remember this might be a sensitive topic for him (for reasons which I clearly can't assume beforehand) then it'll go fine.

With non-sexual intimacy, it may be helpful for you two to read this article. It talks a lot about the different ways people can and do show intimacy, including ones that don't require any physical contact: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots. I also wonder, do you think you and had could settle on being really explicit when asking for things like being held or kissed? As in one of you saying, "I'm not up for more, but I'd really like to cuddle right now."

Can you give me a sense of how much you two tended to verbally communicate before and during sex in the past? Because it sounds like something that might be helpful is a set of tools that you two can use to communicate with each other during that sexual exploration.