not finishing during sex

[talkativeintro]

Hey. I've been with my sexual partner for several months now, and we've had plenty of great sex. But here's the thing: I hardly ever orgasm during sex (foreplay, oral, vaginal, etc.). It's not that the sex isn't good; it's pleasurable the entire time and we both have fun. I just can't seem to finish without doing it myself, and we've tried just about everything. (I'm also not putting pressure on myself to finish, we both agree that if we have a good time it's good sex. no pressure)

[Alexa]

Hey Talkativeintro,

First, let me say, this is a totally common experience. It can be hard to learn to translate the things that feel good when you touch yourself to partnered sex. It may just take more experimenting! And if your sex is pleasurable and enjoyable then you're starting from a great place.

Can I ask what your conversations around orgasm have been like? For starters, the fact that you're touching yourself and finishing after sex can be a helpful jumping point, even though your partner is not touching your genitals. Are they able to support you? For example, can they touch other parts of your body, use dirty talk, etc.? Are you talking about what you're doing while you're doing it? When they're touching you, are you communicating with them about how it feels and how you'd like to be touched differently?

I know it can sometimes feel like it gets ~technical~ if we talk our partners through sex like that, but it is a great way to learn each other's bodies -- and it can be sexy, too!

If it feels like you've already touched those bases, I'd give our article When the Big O is a No-Show a read. It has a bulleted list of tips that I swear by. Let me know what you think!

[talkativeintro]

hey,
our conversations have been very positive and open. He is very willing to learn about my body, and we spend time exploring what feels good. we often stimulate me together, either his hands with mine or elsewhere on my body. if it's only my hands on my genitals, he is typically holding me or stimulating me in some other way. and when I teach him what feels good, he does it right and it does feel good; it just doesn't seem to get me to an orgasm for some reason!

[Sam W]

It sounds like you two are having great conversations around this, and have been really open to experimenting and trying new things out!

Do you notice anything even mildly different, like the angle of stimulation or what you're thinking about when you finish on your own versus when you have him try (this may be something to mull over during social distancing, since right now the recommendation is not to be sexual with anyone you're not already living with)?