Left Out Because of Virginity

[nessa1125]

Hi, I am a 15 year girl about to start her sophomore year of highschool. Getting straight to the point- I feel extremely left out because i’m a virgin. everyone in my friend circle has had sex, everyone in my drama club has had sex, wherever i go there’s not a single virgin. That’s practically the only thing everyone talks about, is the last time they had sex. and it sucks because I can never join in! Not only have I never had sex, i’ve only been in one relationship. I’ve been trying to take my time and have my first with someone I really like and trust, but now I feel pressured. It feels like i’ll never have anything interesting to talk about until I have sex. It’s starting to make me feel insecure. sometimes I even start to spiral into overthinking- “what if nobody ever wants to date me? what if nobody ever wants to touch me?” Any advice on how to deal with this??

[Sam W]

Hi Nessa,

On a really practical level, do you feel like you're able to ask your friends to change the topic one in awhile? Conversation can get really boring when it tends to focus on one thing, whether that one thing is sex or the latest episode of a T.V show. I'm willing to bet you, and they for that matter, have lots of interesting things to talk about that aren't related to sex.

As for the feelings this is bringing up for you, there are a few different things that might help. One is to remember that, while all of your friends and at least some of your wider social circle are sexually active, there are plenty of people who are like you. Sometimes, when everyone close to us becomes sexually active, it can start to feel as though the whole world is doing the same thing. But the reality is that it's totally common for someone to be 15 and not have any sexual experience (or romantic experience, for that matter). It's far more important to go at the pace that feels best for you than to try and rush into something out of a fear of being left out. Does that make sense?

Too, with those insecurities around whether this means you're dateable, it might help to know that a large part of dating (especially in high school) comes down to luck. After all, you have a limited pool of partners, and that can make finding someone who you want to date and who also wants to date you. That's why lots of people leave high school with little to no dating experience.

[nessa1125]

Thank you so much for the response! I’ll be sure to keep what you said in mind for next year. I guess I just haven’t had the confidence to change the topic, i’m not very much of a leader. again, thank you .

[Marisha]

Hi nessa1125,

This is super relatable to me. I'm currently in my 20s and still haven't had sex. I've never even kissed someone before. As I've gotten older, a few things have become super clear to me. Part of my lack of experience in romance comes from my own self-image, social ability, and the way I think about relationships. Having sex and starting relationships aren't just things that "happen to you" - establishing these romantic connections requires a level of reciprocity, or an exchange between people. This is a long way of saying: no one is going to kiss you without your permission. No one is going to know you want to be kissed unless you make that fact clear. And other people around you are definitely just as insecure and anxious about relationships as you are, even if they're experienced. Think of it like this: it's less that other some people are better at "getting" sex than others and more that some people have already surpassed the first level of social connection that opens the door to intimacy.

I invite you to ask yourself and the people in your circle the following questions as well:
- Why is having sex important to you?
- Do you feel ready and able to have sex?
- Did you/do you enjoy your sexual experience(s)? Why or why not?
- What makes sex fun/good?
- What happens between you and another person/people that causes sex to occur? As in, how do you know the other person is/people are down?
- How did/how might sex change your relationship with your body or the way you perceive yourself? Did you/do you feel good mentally after having sex? Why or why not?

All these questions are written with the central goal of accessing your relationship with and understanding of sex and how you would ultimately feel sharing your body with another person. Sex isn't a big deal in so far that you are allowed to want it and to do it, but I hope you're thinking about how sex can affect you mentally as well as physically and how to maintain a good relationship with sex.