Scarleteen

Hello! You can call me V.

Firstly, two things:
1. This site has been a really helpful presence for me throughout my teen years, and I sincerely thank you for that.
2. I'd like to warn you that this question is... a little complicated, with multiple facets to it. Sorry about the essay below.

So here's some relevant information.
I am 17 years old and a couple months away from being a legal adult. I'm FTM transgender and attracted to men, cis or otherwise. I don't really experience a lot of dysphoria in relation to my genitals, and while testosterone and top surgery are possibilities for my future I do not plan on getting bottom surgery.

And now the problem(s).
I'm frankly quite excited about getting myself out into the world of sex once I turn 18, and I honestly just don't want to disappoint or turn away any possible partners. The people I'd most likely be having sex with would be cis men, and the issue herein lies in the fact that I cannot handle any sort of penetration. I see an endocrinologist for an unrelated health issue, and it's her assumption as well as my own that the source of this is purely psychological. It's just horribly, unbearably painful. I want to enjoy penetration, and not just to please partners, but really for my own benefit as well - this wouldn't be nearly as concerning to me if it weren't something that I personally wanted to get over.

There's another side of it too. I've been masturbating by grinding on a pillow for as long as I've been consciously doing it, and everything else I've tried has ranged from just unsuccessful to flat-out uncomfortable. Nothing feels good. The reason this upsets me is for a very similar reason as the one above - what kind of sad partner would I be if I can't enjoy penetration, AND the only way I can get myself off is probably the least fun to watch?

When it comes down to it I guess I just want to feel like I'm even capable of being a decent, normal sexual partner. I want to enjoy things, but I don't know how.

Hi V!

Welcome to Scarleteen!

I will say I don't think there's actually any such thing as a normal sexual partner. We're all kinda weird when it comes to sex and that's part of the interesting/fun thing about having it.

Also intercourse isn't something you have to do as part of sex. I can see you already acknowledge that, which is so important. Letting go of expectations around intercourse can be about acceptance but it also means that you can experiment and spend time exploring what would feel good and would leave you feeling relaxed.

Being kind and gentle with yourself really is key. I can't say what the outcomes would be in terms of how your body behaves but good communication and self compassion will almost certainly lead to pleasurable and caring sexual experiences. I wouldn't be surprised if some form of intercourse starts looking more doable for you as it's clearly something you're interested in!

With regards to the age-old past-time of pillow-humpin'; that's how lots of people do it! That is absolutely something you and a future partner can do together. The likelihood you'd be able to stand in for eachother's pillow is relatively high.

I think this is a great little starting point for partnered sex. You have an idea of what feels uncomfortable/painful, and what you already do in masturbation that feels good. This can be so much more difficult when you haven't taken the time to think about and know those things.

How would you feel about trying things out with a potential partner while avoiding intercourse? Do you think you'd feel ok telling them some of what you've told us here?

As you can tell I kind of get caught up in anxiety over these things, even though in some cases I do already know better, but it seriously helps to be told all this on a personal level. The anonymity of this place was really nice for that. I think planning to start slowly rather than going right to intercourse, as well as having a lot of communication about these things with any partners, would really help. While I worry about this stuff and can get self conscious about them it helps knowing that people can understand it, and I have a policy in my head that if a potential partner is not one of those people it probably wouldn't be a good idea to be involved with them anyways.

Thank you so much, all of this is really reassuring.

You're so welcome V

Starting slowly is a great idea, and I am totally behind the "if they're not cool with everything I am, they're not the one for me" attitude.

Did you want to talk through this or anything else a little more? Our door is always open.

I think I'm alright! I just got a little caught up in worry and felt like I needed some reassurance. I'm going to take my endocrinologist's suggestion about the pain and try to slowly get myself more acquainted with insertion, but it's definitely nice to know that even if I'm still not into it by the time I have sex there are alternatives. Thanks again.

You're welcome! That's exactly what we're here for.

I'm going to leave you one piece of reading for if you decide to think about insertion some more, feel free to come in again with any more questions

From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse.