I'm a Lesbian But

[nervouslesbian]

so I made this account just to ask this question because it's something I'm having a lot of anxiety about

I'm a lesbian woman in my very early twenties, without a lot of sexual experience (basically made out and done some sexual stuff with women, but not had what i would call sex). Attraction has always been a kind of blurry arena for me, in that aesthetic/sexual/romantic/platonic appreciation for a person are things that it's easy for me to confuse or to conflate, plus I've recently realized that I'm dealing with some internalized homophobia that muddles my sexual and romantic interactions with women more. But all the sexual and romantic experiences I've had that I've felt sure about have been with other lesbians, either women or nb people who identify as lesbian. I've always known that I could call myself bisexual because I can and do sometimes feel attraction to nonbinary people, but, while I know bisexuality is a spectrum, and you can be bi and mostly attracted to one gender, the label has never.... felt right to me. I originally came out as bi when I was younger, but as I got older and had more romantic and sexual experiences, I felt more and more comfortable describing myself as first mostly lesbian and then just lesbian. Identity is imperfect, gender is blurry, and lesbian felt more accurate to my daily lived experience. The people I flirt with, date, and visualize myself settling down with are women.

On top of that, being a lesbian matters to me not just as a sexuality label but as an identity. Parts of that identity like butch/femmeness let me engage with my gender as well as my sexuality. I feel a deep connection to lesbian history and lesbian characters in fiction. And I know that I could still feel these things if I called myself bisexual, but I've also tried several words for myself and I know which one feels the most true and provokes the least anxiety. Plus, there's the practicality factor. I'm definitely not interested in sex with men, and calling myself a lesbian communicates that clearly and easily.

Now the "but" part, which is, while I'm not interested in sex or romance with a man, I do sometimes have fantasies or read erotica that men are involved in. A lot of it is gay erotica, I grew up reading a lot of fanfiction and that's really what's there, plus character-based sex stuff is hot to me, and the dynamics I like are more often depicted between men. There are types of men I find more aesthetically attractive, and fictional character types/situations I enjoy reading more about between men. I know this isn't that uncommon for lesbian women, and it's not really the part I'm anxious about, but it does bear mentioning.

The part I'm anxious about is that I recently did some anonymous chatting around a kink of mine (which tbh is something I feel a lot of shame and anxiety about on its own). It was text chat, not video, but the people I ran into were mostly men and I ended up sexting with a man about the kink. The part that turned me on was the kink, and the more I thought about the fact that it was a man on the other side, the more uncomfortable I got, so that I eventually shut the conversation down, which is different from the experience I've had talking to a woman this way. This isn't the first time I've done this in the name of kind of poking at a kink, but it's the first time it's gone this far, and I feel ashamed and scared. I was turned on, but I think it was by the conversation, not the person I was talking about. But I also was sexting with a man, which feels like something someone attracted to men would do. I don't think I'll be doing this again because of all the icky feelings this conversation left me with, but I'm just scared that I have to reevaluate my identity because I did a sexual thing with a guy.

I'm having a lot of feelings and anxiety about this. I feel like I'm probably a Kinsey scale like... 5.5 or something (that kind of oversimplified binary view of gender aside). Is it biphobic to keep calling myself a lesbian? Should I be operating on the technical definition of identity, or what makes me comfortable? Is there something wrong with me? I'm sorry this is too long, there are so many thoughts in my brain and I just really want some reassurance. Am I still a lesbian?

[Siân]

hi nervouslesbian,

Welcome to the boards! I'm glad you made an account to speak to us

You know how I know you're a lesbian? Because you told me so. Repeatedly. You also gave a lot of clarity on how you came to find that lesbian was the right choice for you, and what it means to you on multiple levels. So yeah, you're a lesbian.

That's the short answer. But it sounds like there are a couple of things you are thinking through right now, so let's talk about them too.

Can you sext a man a couple of times and still be a lesbian? Yep. As you say, it was about the kink and the identity of the person you were interacting with wasn't the important part of the interaction for you. Also, I think that one way we understand our identities and our boundaries is by poking at the edge of them sometimes. Sexting with a guy, being sexual with a guy one time doesn't in one moment have to bring a lifetime's understanding of yourself crashing to the ground. It doesn't fundamentally change who you are. Nor does experiencing rare attraction to men automatically make you bisexual - any more than a straight person getting a flash of attraction or two to someone of their own gender makes them queer. Does that make sense?

I don't think that it's biphobic to know that lesbian is the right word for you, and that bi doesn't quite sit right. The words we use to describe ourselves should be based on what fits right, not some policing of arbitrary technicalities.

What do you think?