Scarleteen

Hi, I’m writing on mobile so please forgive any bad formatting here.
I’m 14, and as far as I’ve been told, at this point I should definitely be getting turned on. I should be able to get pleasure... down there. But, even though as far as I’m aware there’s nothing wrong with my body, I can’t seem to do that. No matter what I look at or what I’m told to try and get me aroused, nothing. I’ve tried self pleasuring and if anything, it’s just a bit uncomfortable. What can I do to get my sexuality going? Should I see a doctor? This is interfering with whether or not I can even date, so I’d really like to get rid of the issue.

Hi there lostnote, and welcome to Scarleteen!

The first thing that I want to say is that there is no hard rule that says that by age 14 you should be experiencing arousal and attraction to others. While some of your peers might be experiencing those feelings and talking about them, I'm willing to bet that there are a whole lot of other folks your age that aren't feeling the urge to be sexually active, with themselves or anyone else. When everyone talks about puberty as the onset of sexual feelings and activity, that's really a generalization based on the fact that the body starts to sexually develop, and that folks might have feelings or wants or needs based on that. You're not behind on some rigid schedule of developmental milestones.

While it's true that antidepressants can sometimes have a "dampening" effect on someone's feelings of sexual drive, it's not a guarantee, and for a young person like yourself, it can be hard to know if that's the cause of your lack-of-feelings. It's totally possible that sexual feelings might come along for you given a little bit of time, or that they might be spurred on when you see or interact with a special someone who really makes your heart all fluttery. We can't say for sure why things feel the way they do right now, but my instinct tells me that it probably won't feel this way forever.

In the meantime, it might be helpful to read through some of our articles about bodies, desire, and sexual response. There are ways that you might be able to experience your own feelings of connection and pleasure with your body, even if you're not feeling all that much desire towards others right now. I would highly recommend checking out I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment and With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body, as well as Sexual Response & Orgasm: A User's Guide. It's possible that if you try to take the pressure off of yourself (as in, I need to be feeling sexual and wanting sexual things right now, or else there's something wrong with me), you might be able to relax and explore and feel things a bit more freely. Getting to know and be intimate with someone (be it ourselves, or with others) takes time! (I'll also add, dating others at this point in your life doesn't necessarily mean that you have to be sexually involved with them!)