I’m terrified of being lesbian or Bi

[Dovie318]

I’ve already messaged but I need more help. I am a 13 year old girl. I have a boyfriend but I’m terrified that I won’t satisfied in a relationship with him.also I’m afraid that I don’t really like him. I’ve been really scared of getting into a relationship but I did anyway. I’m am terrified of turning out to lesbian or bisexual to the point where I have several panic attacks a week. I honestly couldn’t live with my self if I was. But I just don’t know why I’m so afraid of boys. Please help

[Sam W]

Hi Dovie,

Thank you for moving this from text!

So, looking at the conversation you had there, it sounds like the biggest source of anxiety around this for you is how your family, especially your brother, will react. If it would be helpful, we can talk more about how it feels to be in a situation where you fear some parts of your family would react badly to you having an orientation other than straight, and how people have dealt with that in the past.

But, I think there's also room to talk about your orientation itself. Because it sounds like you're not even sure if you are lesbian or bi, or just not into one, specific guy. With your boyfriend, do you actually find yourself not enjoying being with him or feeling kind of "meh" about dating him? Or are you more that such a thing could happen, but hasn't happened yet?

There are a few articles on the main site that may help you out, but since reading about this topic tends to set off your anxiety, are you okay with me asking you a question or two that might help shed some light on things? That way you're not getting overwhelmed with information but are still getting some tools to help you figure out your orientation.

[Dovie318]

I haven’t been with him for a long time about a few days. But all I can focus on is “what if I don’t want to be in a relationship with a boy”? I have known for him two years. But our relationship is online. I’ve never had any sorts of feelings for another girl. But sill I am scared all day of my orientation to clear up some things.

None of the same gendered feelings are pleasant to me

My family is not really religious. But my brother is very homophobic, the rest of my family would be understanding.

[Sam W]

That additional information is all really helpful, thank you. With your boyfriend, are you excited to be with him? How did you two decide to start dating?

In terms of orientation, if you aren't attracted to girls, or don't get crushes on girls, then that's a pretty big indicator that you're straight. However, I do think it would be helpful to ask yourself why the idea of being lesbian or bi is so scary to you. Is it a fear of how others will react? A fear of what you think it means for your life? Something else?

[Dovie318]

Regarding your first question I don’t really know I feel very happy when he messages me and he makes me smile but my overwhelming fear of me not loving a boy I feel is getting in the way of that. We decided to dating because he told me he liked me. At the time i didn’t know what a crush really was. Because I’ve only had one before that. But as soon as my mother told me what a crush felt like I felt I did like him back so I asked him out.

On the second question I am scared of the possibility because I always remember wanting a a husband when I was younger. So I feel like it would impact me. I don’t remember having any thoughts about my orientation before February of this year. I did go to a very diverse grade school. So the concept of different orientations were explained at a young age. But another thing is I compulsively look at every girl that walks by and that is what’s scaring me.

So the main point is I am afraid of developing a crush on a girl, and I don’t know why I compulsively stare at girls. as well as not wanting to date a boy or feeling something missing in my current relationship.
Thank you

[Sam W]

When you say you compulsively look at other girls, do you feel any desire or attraction when you notice them? Or is it more that you just happen to notice them and look at them? And have you ever had this kind of intense, hard to get rid of fear about other things in your life?

As for why you're not wanting to date a specific boy or feel like something is missing in your current relationship, there could be lots of reasons for that. For instance, with your boyfriend, are actively excited at the idea of dating him? Or is it more that you like him fine and because he asked you out you feel like you should date him? Too, it may help to remember that just because we're attracted to a specific gender (or genders) doesn't mean we'll be attracted to every person of that gender. So there may also be a piece here where you're attracted to boys but haven't found one who you really, really want to date just yet.

On a more general level, even if you were something other than straight, being gay or bi doesn't mean you wouldn't be able to get married or have a long-term partner (in the case of someone who's bi, that could even mean a husband). It just means that the partner may not look exactly how you expected.

[Dovie318]

I feel a part of it is looking at every girl is to see if i find them attractive I find the the concept of being in a same gendered relationship undesirable. And that’s why I am afraid of developing a crush on a girl. I don’t want my feelings to change. I am currently scared of being in a relationship but I really like him and I want him in my life. But my anxiety and depression makes it hard for me to Keep relationship afloat including most of my friendships I am just so scared.

[Sam W]

It sounds like anxiety and depression are making a lot of stuff really hard for you. Can you give me a sense of what, if any, kinds of support you're getting around your mental health (counseling, medication, etc)? Do you have anyone in your life, like friends or understanding family members, who you can talk to about this?

I'd add that it's pretty common look at people (of any gender) and notice they're attractive. Sometimes that can be a sign of something deeper about ones orientation. In others, it's more that you're noticing they're attractive in the same way you'd notice if they were tall or had brightly-colored hair, and it's not really a clue to your sexual orientation. Does that make sense?

[Dovie318]

Yeah that does make sense. I have a therapist I see two times a week. My mother is extremely understanding and always try’s to help me. I have told both about I been going through and my mother said she would still accept me if I was bi or lesbian but her approval made me feel worse. I want to make it clear I have nothing against gay, lesbians or bi people I just thought this would never being something I would have to go through. As for the meds thing is I do take about 3 different medications.

As for what I noticed about them is if they have a pretty face or a nice body but every time I notice these things I get scared. Is this common?

[Sam W]

I'm glad you've been able to open up to your mom about this, and that you have access to other kinds of support. When you've talked with your therapist about this, have they recommended any things for you to try in terms of managing your fears around this?

It's pretty common to notice how people of all genders look, including whether they're attractive (either to you or in the more general sense of "they look a way that society says is pretty"). For some people, noticing that people of the same gender are attractive and, more importantly, that they're attracted to them does turn out to be a clue as to their orientation. But from what you're describing, that doesn't seem to be the case for you.

[Dovie318]

First of all thank you for all the help. And my therapist told me that I need to tune the negative thoughts out of my head. And told be that because I sometimes look at girls doesn’t mean I’m not straight.

One last question. Do bi people always have a sense that they are bi? Because I read stories of other people only figuring out are bi when they are in there teens. And it kinda scares me.

[Sam W]

Got it. Did they give you any tools or techniques for doing that? Or did they just leave it "ignore the negative thoughts?"

People can and do figure out that their sexual orientation is different than they thought it was at various points in life. Some know from a young age, others start to notice it in their teens, and others pick up on it during their adulthood. Part of why that happens is that sexuality can be more fluid than people assume. How we understand our sexual orientation depends on the information we have about ourselves and the people we are (and are not) attracted to. If we get new information, that can change how we define our orientation.

I think it might be helpful to explore with your therapist (or on your own if it no longer sends you into a panic) why that possible fluidity or change in your orientation is so anxiety producing for you. Does that feel like a conversation you can have with them?

[Dovie318]

My next appointment she said will be dwelling into the spectrum of sexual fluidity and orientations itself. But besides that she has not given me any advice to deal with these thoughts. I probably spend hours online reading other folks coming out stories and I also read about something called “hocd” is that a real thing?

[Sam W]

It looks like HOCD has to do with a type of intrusive thought where someone can't stop worrying about whether or not they're gay (or another type of queer identity) in a way that isn't tied to them actually figuring out a previously unnoticed part of their orientation. Given that what you're experiencing may be intrusive thoughts (they're common with certain forms of anxiety), I'd say your questions about HOCD are something to bring to your counselor. I also think you might want to ask her for help specifically around managing and coping with intrusive thoughts. Do you feel like you know how to bring those issues up with here?

In the meantime, a limit I'd suggest setting for yourself is to go at least 24 hours without reading about or otherwise researching sexual orientation or coming out (that may include taking a break from this conversation as well). Right now, that reading is only keeping you locked in an anxiety loop, rather than helping you feel calmer.

[Dovie318]

Okay thank you. The first time I read about this type of ocd I brought it up to my therapist and she said it isn’t real. A part of me thinks it’s is real and I think have it.(pretty much all my family has different types of ocd) next time I see her I will ask her on how to help overcome these thoughts. My therapist also told me to stop looking up coming out stories but I relapsed I find it extremely hard to keep my self for searching for these things. But thank you for the second opinion. And I’ll try my best to stay clear.

[Mo]

Whether or not your therapist believes HOCD is "real" or not, hopefully if you ask her for help specifically on handling the intrusive thoughts you're dealing with, and also perhaps on staying away from reading coming out stories online, she can give you some help in that area.
I wonder if there's something fun and/or distracting you can use as a go-to replacement when you feel the urge to look up coming out narratives. Is there anything you do to calm down or distract yourself when you're feeling anxious, or something you think you might be able to turn to instead when you get the impulse to go looking? That might involve getting away from your phone or computer and taking a walk, having a mindless game on your phone you can play to zone out if you're keyed up and wanting to look for stories, a friend you can chat with until you get distracted or calm down, etc. Having a plan for what you want to do instead the next time the impulse hits you might be helpful.

[Mo]

I do want to say, also, that many staff members here (including both of us who've responded in this thread!) are some flavor of queer or other, and there's nothing wrong with us. I'll even go so far as to say it's pretty fantastic. It can be rough to hear someone saying that their worst nightmare is being the way that we are, you know?
I absolutely hear that you have fears around this and I don't want to discount them, but I also think it's important to say that being bisexual, or lesbian, or any other queer identity isn't a negative reflection on someone, or sign that things will go poorly for them. It's a really wonderful way to be. I just want to be clear about that because I think we'd be doing you a disservice if we didn't say this explicitly, while discussing the fears you're having about your own orientation.

[Dovie318]

Thank you for the advice! I’ll play some games and try to avoid the subject. And I just would like to say I have nothing against the lgbtq+ community. I just never thought I would be a part of it. In fact some of my closest friends are a part of the community.
I am just afraid that I am in denial about my orientation.

[Dovie318]

To be clear these messages were not meant to make any one else to feel discouraged or ashamed of their orientation. I’m sorry if this rubbed off that way. I was just scared of my mind suddenly telling me something different from what I always known for 13 years.

Thank you to all the staff members for helping me to understand what I am going through.

[Jacob]

Thanks for your replies Dovie,

I don't think anyone thinks you would want to discourage or shame people.

In terms of being scared about being in denial... that sounds like a lot of mental gymnastics for you. I don't think our sexual identity is a scary monster that just jumps out a closet at us. Instead it's how we choose to express that combination of feelings, in whatever way is most comfortable for us. Essentially we have the power.

It sounds like you are on the right track by pursuing mental health support, because working out identity isn't easy on our owns. While I say we have the power, I know it can take a long time to truly feel that and heal from feelings of powerlessness and fear which we project onto different parts of ourselves... I am glad you are working on it, because it pays off!