Me and my girl broke up

[yooitzleo]

Me and my girl broke up 3 days ago, and I am very sad. I think that I am a loser, worthless and an idiot. I don’t deserve any relationships and I’m ashamed to call myself a person.

[al]

Hi yooitzleo,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling that way. Breakups can be really, really tough, especially if they're making you question how you feel about yourself or whether you're good enough. The reality is, though, that even though you might feel really awful now, the fact that you're valuable as a person, and worthy of healthy and loving relationships hasn't changed.
Would it be helpful to talk about what happened, and why it has you feeling this way?

[al]

I just wanted to say that I have to head out for the night as it's the end of my shift, but there will most likely be folks in tomorrow, and I'll try to check back in as well. Hope you're taking good care of yourself. <3

[yooitzleo]

Yes, I do wanna talk about it

[Sam W]

Hi yooitzleo,

Okay, you can talk whenever you're ready and we'll do our best to help you out (so you know, you're welcome to post even when people aren't here to immediately answer).

Can you also give me a sense of what you've been doing to take care of yourself during the break up?

[yooitzleo]

Is because we had this relationship and we were long distance, she thought I was cheating on her with one of my friends, but I wasn’t because the friend I was talking to had a boyfriend, so she broke up and I felt like I was a loser. Today I still feel this way, and I’m a loser, worthless, and useless. That’s why I don’t deserve girls

[Sam W]

That sounds like a really rough way to have a relationship end. As Al said, having a partner break up with you doesn't mean you're worthless or a loser (although it can sometimes be hard to make yourself believe that, especially when the break up is really recent). And it doesn't mean that you don't deserve to have a partner, or that you'll be without a partner forever. All it means is that there was something about the relationship that meant it wasn't going to work (in this case, it sounds like your partner had trouble trusting you). Does that make sense?

It looks like, back in the text service, you got our article about getting through a break up. Have you had a chance to read it yet? If so, do you see some things in it that you could try?

[DArwin]

Hi yooitzleo
Do have any friends or family you can talk to or spend time with or talk to make yourself have fun or feel good?

[yooitzleo]

But what made me even more sad is that she was cheating on me when we were dating. And now I compare myself to her new boyfriend. He has the good qualities while I have all the bad qualities. To this day, I’m still thinking about her and now I hate myself, and I disgust myself. Now every time I see myself, i don’t see a capable and worthy person. I see myself as weak and a coin with no value.

[Sam W]

That's an extra crummy way for this to have ended, given that she was basically accusing you of something while doing the same thing herself. It sucks, and you get to feel sad about the relationship ending (and ending the way that it did), and grieve that loss in the way that feels right to you.

But, one of the kindest things you can do for yourself right now is to stop comparing yourself to your ex's new boyfriend. You have lots that makes you awesome as a person, even if it doesn't feel like it right now, but it's going to be hard to see that if you're focusing on this other person and how you measure up. Are there things that you like to do that make you feel confident in yourself, or like you've done something cool? Are there people who are supporting you around the break-up, like friends and family? And are there things you're doing to take care of yourself or at least try to feel good now and then?

[Heather]

I also want to just take a second to let you know that no one "deserves girls" or girlfriends. Or boys or boyfriends, or nonbinary people or nonbinary romantic relationships, for that matter.

In other words, you keep saying that your value or worth is such that you don't deserve girls. But no one is entitled to women (again, or anyone else, or any kind of relationship with people). Truly, this just isn't how any of this works: it's not that we get X value and then have "earned" people or relationships with them, and if we then lose that value we don't get them anymore. As well, being in certain kinds of relationships or not doesn't change anyone's value or worth: we are all just as valuable in or out of romantic or sexual relationships.

I mention this because I think this way of thinking not only sets people up for crummy relationships and dynamics, it also does a serious doozy on one's self-esteem. This way of thinking won't ever help you or your relationships, it'll only make things harder for both.<3

[yooitzleo]

After the breakup I told my best friend about how I feel. I started putting myself down and she started crying. Why is that?

[Sam W]

That's something we simply can't know. The way to know why your friend reacted the way she did is to ask her about it.

Have you given any thought to the things Heather and I suggested, both in terms of things to try and ways to think about this situation a little differently?

[yooitzleo]

Yes I did, and it really helped

[Heather]

I'm so glad to hear that. I'm around this afternoon for a couple more hours in the event you wanted to talk any more of it out.

[yooitzleo]

She took me back a one week ago. And then she broke up with me, because she liked her boyfriend more. I am so mad about this. If she was gonna be with her boyfriend why did she take me back?

[Siân]

Ouch, that sounds like it would hurt. I really don't know the answer to that why question though - again, she's the only person who can really know. It sounds like this is someone who hasn't been a great partner to you though, so perhaps not being in touch with her would be good for you right now?

Sam mentioned that we've shared this article with you before: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking What did you think?