being somebody's crush

[tomatopotato]

Dear scarleteen staff,

a while ago I made friends with a bunch of people, including someone who I suspect having a crush on me. The first time I met him I kinda felt attracted to him when he was touching me, despite him being totally not my type. Nevertheless the way he smiles at me disgusts me, I'm put off by his face, body type and general appearance and tried to be distant when being in the group. We twice after I got to know the people, I've even slept over at his place 'cause I've needed a place to sleep, but all the time I've wanted to keep the time spent together rather short. I'm uncomfortable with him being so nice to me, complementing me, buying stuff etc. In general he tends to be a giver & doesn't have high confidence. A friend of him told me, he wishes to have somebody he can care for, but I don't want to be somebody. Additionally, his behavior towards me, especially him apologizing makes me really angry, I wish he could be mean to me, call me names or ignor me. I don't understand where my anger comes from.
And because this isn't confusing enough, at a party he caressed my head for each a minute and it felt great, sexually. I've been slightly high in both situations, but I've suspect that it did not come from the drugs. Every time I look at his face when I catch him happily looking at me, I want to run, I'm not in love with him but I'm sure he is. I'm afraid of falling in love with him, because he might "need" me so bad, and because I'm simply not attracted to him aesthetically. I would not want him as a partner.
Right now I'm very confused. He does not let loose even though he knows I've made out with a friend and asked other guys out.
I don't know whether I just can't accept my feelings because he does not look like I've imagined a future partner or if it's something else. However, the whole situation stresses me pretty much and I would be relieved if someone could help me out.

[Jacob]

Hi Tomatopotato,

At the end of your post it sounds like you're considering it, but I really wouldn't advise pursuing a relationship with someone who you have such negative feelings about.

When you say he won't 'let loose' do you mean the gift giving? Or the touching? Because neither of these things are ok when they're unwanted and un-discussed.

It sounds like some of it has felt physically pleasant in the short term but emotionally it sounds like you've wanted none of it. Sometimes there is a disconnect between these things. And that's ok because what really matters is what you're asking for, and from what you're saying here, you haven't asked him to touch you or buy you gifts.

There isn't any need to hypothesise about or doubt your disinterest towards him. That all sounds very real to me.

I will say that some of the language like feeling 'disgusted' by someone's smile or being particularly angry that someone apologises and doesn't call you names, sounds like it's very confusing to be experiencing. I'm sorry you are in the middle of it. Do you have an idea where that comes from?

I saw in some of your other threads you having a lot of self-doubt, and it feels like maybe seeking out some talk-therapy could be helpful for you too, if this feels mental health related? Have you ever had any support of that kind?

[tomatopotato]

He still does both, but I'm not super grossed out by it. The touching sometimes feels unwanted in situations, feels like nothing oder really feels super wanted. I just wouldn't ask him to touch me because I'm slightly shy in this matter and because I don't want him to know that I like the touch. However, when I'm enjoying it I cannot stand it for more than two minutes because knowing he might interprete it as me crushing on him, too. I would be totally okay being touched if he wouldn't have those feelings, behave differently, I wouldn't have to touch him and look at him. That's not a good base for any kind of relationship, I know that myself. Additionally, I feel discriminatory because he's slightly chubby, has a weird nose and is really hairy, and I'm simply not into that. My type is rather lanky and slim, but that's playing more into given beauty standards and sometimes I feel like I'm just not open enough for meeting people I could be attracted to. Because If he wouldn't look this way, I could maybe be dealing with his shyness and talk to him, but I'm just not into his body and I do not want to be. I'm afraid if I would talk to him, or spend any time with him I could fall in love with his personality even though I do not want to see him ever naked despite liking him touching me for a minute? It's a big f*cking mess.

I suspect my anger comes from seeing a reflection of my younger self in his behavior, because I used to have a low self confidence. However, now I'm pretty confident and usually I know my boundaries and emotions well. Additionally I don't like if someone's overly nice to me so early in the relationship. His best friend told me, too, that he likes me a lot platonicly and they invited me after I've met them for the first time, but being shown affection platonicly simply feels great. In general I don't have a problem with intimacy, I'm having great and close friendships, I simply don't like being super wanted. Especially by people I don't want to be wanted by, but I feel a little guilty for not experiencing the same he does.
The most popular thought in my head us that the angryness is my problem and my fault, and if there wouldn't be the wish for being mean to him, so that he stops, I could have fall in love. That's pretty silly, right?

I'm going to begin therapy next month due to a different matter but I'm already very excited! My therapist seems really kind and I hope she can help me with a couple of things I'm dealing with.

[Jacob]

I don't think it's silly! It's just where you are at the moment.

You are saying that you want to enjoy some sort of affection, many of us do! You just also feel guilty for not really wanting most of it from him. I think that makes sense, especially given that you guys have done such little communication about what you want.

With things so vague between you, and both of you basing your decisions on big assumptions, I think you could both be at risk of hurting eachother.

I also want to say that beauty standards are problem but this isn't the way to fight them. As a sorta hairy chubby person, it'd never be helpful for someone to date me who wasn't into me. It certainly wouldn't be offensive for them to choose not to.

I am thinking that maybe working on yourself is the best thing to be doing for now. Therapy sounds like a great first step... I would certainly bring these issues up with the therapist so it can form part of what you are working on.

[tomatopotato]

What I actually wanted to adress is that I am kinda attracted to him, if being aroused by non-sexual touch counts as attraction. I am simply ashamed of it because I do not think he is aesthetically pleasing, and behaves slightly weird. My friends and family would not judge me, but I kinda would myself. I guess. I am sorry if I am repeating myself, but I simply do not know what to do. I might talk to him, that I am suspecting him crushing on my, and that I do not want to pursue any kind of romantic relationship right now. Furthermore I would be open to experiment with nonsexual touch, because I want to find out how it feels to be touched and how my aversion might be connected to issues I'm dealing with? But that's not a good thing to do if he has romantic feelings for me, and I would be uncomfortable due to that because I want to avoid being emotionally close, feeling responsible or falling in love. I do not know what I actually want and where the shame and anger and fear comes from. While I know that I cannot be attracted to everyone and should not feel guilty for it, being with someone who you're not really into isn't a good idea. However, I don't know if having strong crushes isn't slightly superficial and if love cannot grow in other ways. I feel like I could talk to him about everything and he would not be angry, but caring and kind in any way. I am simply so afraid of falling in love with someone I would not normally fall for and who has a weird body type. Usually I am not picky about weight, appearence, style choices, and so far I really liked my crushes and found them attractive because of the things other people would consider 'flaws'. Maybe I just can't close myself off anymore by his kind words and actions. Aaaah, it's really frustrating me.
I feel like I cannot fall in love anymore. The last crush I had was year ago, and I have never been really interested in anybody in the way I knew. Maybe the feeling of crushing on somebody change when you grow more confident, is that a thing? Because I am not as anxious anymore, and lose interest fast if somebody hurts me or spmly does not show enough interest. Maybe I am just searching for an inner feeling which is the same, but the way it manifests itself differs from the past.

How could I discuss this issue with my therapist? I'm seeing them for a different matter and I actually wanted to talk to them about a different topic first.

[Siân]

You're right, if you haven't had a conversation with this person already about your friendship, what you want from it and what your boundaries are this is a good time to do it. Second-guessing what the other person is thinking and feeling is probably a strain on both of you. How do you feel about talking to him about this?

To have that conversation well though, you probably need to know what those things you want are, and where your boundaries lie. It sounds like you have a lot of thoughts and feelings to work through, and right now the best thing for you would be to have a platonic relationship, as you've said several times.

Of course, you can also examine your own feelings a bit separately and see where that "no" to a romantic/sexual relationship with him is coming from, but it's probably not fair on either of you to start something you don't think you're really into, you know? I don't think it's unusual to experience occasional feelings of attraction to people who we know we don't on balance want to be with, and you can experience attraction without acting on it.

I'm glad that you have more confidence and less anxiety these days! Going off people who don't treat you well or reciprocate your interest sounds pretty healthy to me. Not feeling crushes isn't an indication that there's anything wrong with you, more just that no-one who's a fit for you that way has come along in a while.

When it comes to speaking to your therapist, I think you can bring it up much as you have here. If it helps, you can plan how you're going to start that conversation ahead of time. Like "I know we're mainly working on X, but I'd also like to talk about...." What do you think?