Am I ace?

[Ingrid-ients]

It's something I've wondered for quite a long time.

I've only ever been romantically attracted to one guy in my life, besides a 'crush'(?) I had on someone when I was 4. It seems I had a type, because that boy looked similar to my "current" crush. (I say this air quotes because I'm not even sure if I like him or just am desperate to cling onto the past, lol, it's been years since I saw him.)

Now, the issue is, I can't get off to thinking about myself with anyone, boy or girl. Honestly I've only had two sexual dreams. The first was of a girl (which was really enjoyable) and one with a guy-- which just was messed up, it actually hurt in the dream, it was with some kind of fusion between a few people I disliked very much, lasted like two seconds. Besides that, when I'm conscious, I'll create fantasies between blank slates; nameless, faceless people. I feel too guilty if it involves anyone from real life, and I find it disgusting, I keep these very intertwined things (sexuality and fantasies resulting from them) far apart.

My reluctance to participate in such things, I'd say, (I'm only 15, after all, it's natural since I was raised in a pretty conservative country) is quite normal, but could really just be pointing to my orientation. But after hearing that my new classmates (I recently moved to Canada) were sexually active, I was quite shocked why kids would even be doing such a thing (I knew it happened, I just lived in a purity fantasy about those around me) and came to terms with its normalcy.

So I think my asexuality is, one of two things.

A) Real and undeniable, I love people, but dislike sex.

B) I'm just a confused straight girl with homoerotic tendencies, skewed by anxiety. I was harassed in middle school by this boy(not part of the hateful fusion mentioned above), which it wasn't really sexual harassment but it was just uncomfortable behavior (rubbing up against me, calling me his girlfriend, humiliating me in front of my friends etc.)

With that said, I shut all other guys off romantically because of this trauma (I don't see my male friends as potential boyfriends, at all. I'd flirt with some of them casually but I really can't/won't see it happening. Only exception was that one guy mentioned in the second paragraph, but I liked him before we became friends. Weirdly I see my closest female friends as.. sexual interests, though I find myself disinterested in anything romantic with them.)

I'm confused, I guess. What does my behaviour point to? Give me your two cents.

[Sam W]

Hi Ingrid-ients,

So, determining your orientation can be tricky, and before we dive into it I want to be clear that ultimately you are the one who gets to decide what, if any, term feels right for your orientation. Too, it may help to keep in mind that orientation can shift and change over the course of our lives, so naming your orientation now doesn't mean you can't change the term you use later on if you get more information about your attraction patterns.

I want to toss this article your way in case you haven't seen it, since it may be helpful with some of the questions you're asking yourself: Just the Basics, Ace: An Asexuality Primer.

Now, without dismissing the idea that you could be ace, it's worth pointing out that there are a few things that could be putting a damper on your ability to feel comfortable with the sexual desire you do feel. One, as you've pointed out, is a conservative upbringing, since that can tie to a lot of shame or negative messages about sex,. Another is that you've already experienced harassment from a guy (I'd actually say that rubbing up against you is sexual harassment), which can make the idea of any romantic or sexual interaction with other guys feel gross.

Since sexual orientation is in some ways about patterns, can you give me a sense of if you get crushes or experience attraction to people who aren't people you know? That could be celebrities, fictional characters, things like that.