Scarleteen

Hi Scarleteen,

I am following up from this post - https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... _right_now - because I feel similarly and I think I could get help from here. I am.. not a teen, so I don't know if you'll help or not.

Us: I am 23, I am in my second year of college, and I have been with my boyfriend for only 8 months. Since I entered college late he is 19. We communicate openly with each other, we are both intelligent, mature, supportive, and I really enjoy spending time with him. I feel silly for saying this, but I think if there is a "one," it's him. I usually have issues trusting people so I am not sure why I was able to fully trust him just a month or so after I met him. I have been with three other people but I have never trusted someone this much, or envisioned my life with someone, or felt any twinge of jealousy over someone, or wanted to raise children with someone. And it's obvious he thinks about these things too, but we both try to keep it low-key because we can't logically consider any of this before completing undergrad.

Atypical: I have (almost) never wanted kids. As a teen I always told myself I will be a virgin so I never risk pregnancy. There was one boyfriend (who I never slept with) who I wanted a kid with, but that's because that person was so amazing to me and if I could have a little copy of him and protect him, I would. For someone after him, I thought that if I got pregnant I would abort the child (though we were together for 3 years). Babies always grossed me out, birth grossed me out, and I was poor so I could not offer a happy life to someone. I grew up having pets, and I struggled just to take care of them.

Family: I don't have a family. I lost my mom when I was 17 and had no one else to take care of me. Right now my two closest things to home are my college and my bf's house. I spent 2 months with him and his family over the summer, and we all got along very well. I think this might be feeding into my urge to mate with him, because I want to start a family with him. And living with him made me realize that yes, I do want to spend the rest of my life with him.

Conversations: Once while I was at my bf's house, he used a new condom (the labels were similar to his regulars) and when we were done I saw a lot more white outside his condom and inside of me, so at 4 am that night we got Plan B from a drug store. Then we talked about what we would do if I ever got pregnant. We are both against abortion, but neither of us are ready for a child. We didn't reach an answer then, but we talked about adoption and he said at this time he would probably ask me to abort, but that it's ultimately my decision. That was a while ago but I still think about that. I know what I would do now, if that happened. I would keep it, take care of it, finish undergrad anyway, and not ask anything from him until after he graduates and gets a job, other than just spend time with the baby to establish a bond. It would be hard for me, but I've been through hell and come out on top. It is weird for an undergraduate student to have a baby, but I am the oldest student here so I wouldn't face any stigma.

LDR: I haven't told him any of that. That is all in case it happens, and we are both very careful. Right now, he can't even get me pregnant because he transferred to a college in another state, so we don't get to see each other.

But one day I really want him to ditch the condom and make a baby with me. I have wanted it since we first started and this urge I have never had before is getting stronger and stronger. I don't know if I'm just aroused or if it's some primal need to reproduce, and I don't know how to react to it. I don't know how to handle it. I want to get pregnant and have a baby and raise it with him but I'm scared because things change, the unexpected happens, and my life has truly been the most unpredictable story I could imagine. What I envision is unlikely to be my reality, no matter how realistic I am. The thoughts about my future with him are preoccupying my mind and distracting me and I just want this feeling to go away until I know we are both able and willing to start a family.

Hi switchsquare,

You likely saw this in that article,but the feelings you're going through are more common than you may think. Plenty of people who can get pregnant find a strong desire to do arises at a point they may not have expected. It often has less to do with some deep, biological urge to reproduce and more to do with what we think our life with a baby would look like, and all the positive things we assume it will bring.

What may help right now is to identify the reasons behind that desire. What does the baby, or having the baby, represent to you? What do you think it would add to your life? If you haven't already, I would also do a bit of reality checking with this article: I Want It NOW!

Too, something to keep in mind is that you and he are barely out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship. That's the stage where there's all this new relationship energy, where everything feels like you've found the person who's perfect for you. But what we know about how relationships evolve is that as that stage ends, you start to encounter the less pleasant realities of being with that person long term. And you both have several more years of school. So it may help to remind yourself that thinking about having a baby with him is sort of putting the cart before the horse right now. That's doubly true if you haven't spoken to him about his wants for the future and whether they involve kids.

I'm not saying that at this point I would elect to have kids. I have the urge to do so, but I'm responsible enough not to. And we have had conversations about our desires and future plans. They were pretty short but we agreed that we'd want to stay together as long term as possible, we don't want pets, after college we'd live in either a city or suburb, and we could be good parents if we wait until we can support ourselves with good careers.

I would also like to mention I have experienced honeymoon phases before, and that the level of trust and desire to spend the rest of my life with him and grow with him differentiates this from those experiences. I by no means think he is perfect, and he is the first person I've been with who treats me like an equal (neither worships me thinking I can do no wrong, nor tries to dominate the relationship). I could name more reasons why we are well past the honeymoon phase, even though it has been a relatively short time.

To answer the questions, I think I want a baby specifically because I found someone I could trust and be happy with for a long time. I met his family and saw how they impact his life and they imparted strong values onto him. He is both responsible and hilarious so I think he would make a great father and help bring out the best possible mother and person in me. And I don't think you actually read my post because other strong factors are that I have no family and I am older than all my peers. In the back of my mind, I worry a) if I will ever have a place I can call home and see people I love there and b) if I wait too long I won't be as fertile. I also worry about my overall lifespan, as people in my tree tend to die from disease quite early. So sure, I can wait until I am 27 or 30 but, like my mom, I might die at 40. Despite what I have always told myself I do eventually want a child - that is, to take full responsibility of the development of another human being, and watch it mature just like I want my boyfriend and me to mature together - but I worry what would happen if I wait too long.

I also want to bring attention to another part of my post I doubt you read: that I do not particularly like or enjoy children. As a child I reflected on myself and those around me and admitted that we are all just really terrible and unpleasant. Vomiting, feet swelling, and the very thought of a parasite growing inside me sound unpleasant. Changing diapers, worrying about fevers, steering away from bad influences all sound draining. But still, I eventually want those responsibilities. And it is comforting and even exciting to think that I might be able to share this journey with my boyfriend some day.

I think it's perfectly okay to have that urge, acknowledge it and try to work towards being in a position where you could give a good life to a child - not just materially but also emotionally - and also acknowledge that now is not the time.

You know, I'm pretty sure Sam did read your post - there's no need to make unfair remarks about that. When there is a lot of information, we tend to start with the most important bits and go from there, keeping the rest in the back of our minds as context - just like in a regular conversation.

I get that you're older than your peers and craving a family of your own, but your fertility is not going to change significantly for many years yet and of course your boyfriend doesn't sound like he's in the same place as as you right now. Like I say, there's nothing wrong with wanting to have a child, or wanting to have a child with this person but this is one of those decisions where sometime you need to play the long game and make sure you're in a good position to be a parent first. What did you think of the article Sam shared?