I wish I was a boy

[catcatdog]

Hey, I’ve never posted on here so idk what I’m doing lol. I’m just venting.

I wish I was born a guy. I spend literal hours imagining what my life would be like if I was born a guy. If I could start my life over again as a guy, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I go into these depressive episodes for weeks because I’m not a guy, and I can’t stand hanging out with guys cause I get so jealous of them. I feel deep down that I’m a guy, but I hate calling myself trans because I don’t want to transition for three main (and stupid) reasons:

a) I’m short and pretty. I like being attractive, and I wouldn’t make an attractive guy at all. I’m far too short- I’m mistaken for a guy pretty often, but never as a 17-year old guy. I’d look 12 all the time, I wouldn’t be a good-looking guy and I don’t know if I can give up the one thing holding up my self esteem. This sounds arrogant and ridiculous but it’s just the truth.

b) It would break my mums heart. She’s an angel, but she’d never understand. My family have a lot of respect for me and I am deeply dependent on their approval. It would be horrible to lose that.

c) I make a good lesbian. A lot of girls are attracted to me, everybody thinks I’m a lesbian and I’ve worked hard so that people are cool with it and I’m comfortable in it.

So, to sum up- I’m trans. I know I’m a guy. I don’t want to be, but I am. I have a nice, comfortable life thats going well so far and transitioning would ruin it. I’ll never transition. How do I get over this? Is there anything I can do, or do I just keep trying to forget about it?

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards: I'm glad you found a space you feel able to talk about this!

One thing I want to start with is that you can be a trans person and not do any kind of transition, medical, surgical or otherwise. You don't have to change your body (or necessarily have body dysphoria) to be trans. You just need to -- as you're pretty clear you do -- feel that's who you are. What you do or don't do about it is gravy, make sense?

So, for instance, it sounds to me like you're saying you already ARE a good-looking guy. Why? Because you are telling me you're a guy who feels good-looking.

Too, depressive episodes about your gender for weeks doesn't exactly sound like a "nice, comfortable life" to me. How do you feel about looking into some ways where you don't have to try and put this out of your mind when it's clearly very much in your mind -- and causing you some serious struggles -- and maybe get some help trying to sort out how you can be the guy that you are in a way that's comfortable for you? <3

[al]

Hi catcatdog, and welcome to Scarleteen!

Echoing what Heather said, I want to thank you for sharing what you're going through on here. I don't know if this feels true at all, but sometimes it can help just to get it out out loud or on paper or on screen. I'm sorry that it feels like your mom would have a negative response - is there something that she's said or done to give you that impression? Have you explored anything gender-wise and gotten a negative response, from her or anyone else? Is there anyone else in your life that you feel would be supportive of you sharing this stuff or experimenting?

If you haven't already, you might really benefit from reading through our Trans Summer School series - I'm thinking about So I Think I Might Be Trans. Now What? in particular. It might give you some reassurance about what you're feeling, and suggestions for things to experiment with or resources to look at that might be helpful.

In the meantime, we're here if you want to continue to get those thoughts out, explore things, and generally have a place to vent.