Family relationships

[Lola_May]

I have just graduated studying a creative course at university and have come back home to live with my family. To say it is challenging is an understatement. If it wasn't for the relationship that I have with my boyfriend I'm not sure how I would cope.

I have had issues with my mental health for a long time but they have become more pronounced with leaving education. I am lucky enough to have parents who are happy to pay for a therapist which has been really beneficial.

My main issue is that I think both my parents and my brother are also having serious issues with their mental health. My brother is trying to address his by seeing a therapist but he does not believe he is depressed. I disagree with this. From my stand point he has done very little with the past two years of his life. He has not been in education or in work and still struggles today to get off his laptop and phone. His depression seems so pronounced to me that I find it almost paralysing to be around him because he's so oblivious and I can't do anything.

He has asked me a couple of times if I have wanted to go out and do some rock climbing with him which is something he has gotten in to recently. It's great he is finding/ exploring things he likes doing but the thought of spending time alone with him fills me with dread. This in turn makes me feel incredibly guilty.

I mostly just feel really sad being around him. He used to be very eloquent, and very passionate about things like history and literature and now he really struggles with confidence and being able to string well considered sentences together. His interests are largely based in popular culture but only really manifest in him showing me pictures or memes in Instagram. If it wasn't for his mental health I would imagine he would be on his way to having a great career probably involving writing or speaking in front of people. I feel like he doesn't realise any of this even though I have told him all of it before. I even took him to the doctors to talk about anti depressants but nothing has come of that.

My parents have constantly asked for my advice regarding what to do with him and now I find it impossible to see him as my normal younger brother. Instead I feel like a secondary parent who has to help him but it's too much of a burden. I just want to ignore it all, which makes me ignore him.

I'm just really confused/ worried/ feel very guilty. I really want to leave home so I don't have to be around my family but that also makes me feel guilty about leaving my brother. On the flip side this isn't a realistic option for at least another year anyway because I have little/ nearly no income right now and I really don't know where to begin with a career. Life is a bit shit right now.

[Mo]

I'm sorry to hear that moving back in with your family has been stressful, but it's great that you've had some good experiences with your therapist, and that you're working to improve and maintain your mental health.

The tough thing about mental health, though, is that even when it seems clear that someone else is suffering, or could benefit from help, they're really the only person who can decide to do something about it. It sounds like you've talked to your brother about the concerns you have about his mental health and how he's living his life right now, but that it hasn't led to him making big changes (although it could be that therapy is helping him in ways you haven't noticed yet). It sounds like you're really concerned for him and for his future, which is great, but you really can't do anything to make him approach his life and mental health differently if he isn't ready to.

I think it might help to try and find one or two ways you can connect with him and try to make those the focus of your relationship. If he asks for advice or wants to talk about these issues with you directly, you can absolutely give him some input, but while I understand that problem-solving impulse, I don't think it's going to help you have a better relationship with him right now. Maybe take a chance on rock climbing with him and see how it goes, or see if there's a show you can watch together or some other media you can experience beyond him sharing memes with you. It sounds like his current mood & mental health situation is making it hard to connect with him, and you certainly don't have to spend all your time together, but I think if you can find something apart from his mental health that you can use as a bonding interest or activity, that will help you connect while allowing you to take some distance from feeling like you need to try and manage his health.

In this same vein, I don't think it's a great idea for your parents to ask you for advice when it comes to your brother. If they're concerned about him, or they want to encourage him to be either working or in school while he lives there, etc. then they can bring that up with him, but it's not really appropriate for them to be turning to you for answers. I think if they ask in the future, it might be good to just encourage them to talk to him directly about their concerns and take yourself out of the equation.