Crush

[pianolover]

Hello, I'm in a situation where I've been attracted to a particular person for a number of months. I see him every week at a place we both go also at college. And we don't really talk to each other about our lives or personal stuff. I believe I'm a little obvious about my thoughts and feelings. Although, I'm not good at understanding others' body language I'm good at overthinking. I have a hard time with this because I feel there are different options I have here. But the most realistic one for me is to move on but I will end up in the same situation in a couple of weeks. I'm not 100% sure what it is I'm looking for here but I thought I'd rant a little.

[Gone.Sorry.]

It sounds like you're frustrated with having a crush on this person - maybe even frustrated with crushes in general? Like I'm getting the impression that you just want these feelings to go away? Am I understanding or am I totally off-base?

Do you want to talk to this person more? Maybe even ask them out? What makes you say that the most realistic option is to move on?

You don't have to answer, of course, but maybe thinking about these things will help you figure out what you do want. ^^

[pianolover]

Hey Horriblegoose, I'm like a scatter plot when it comes to crushes always have been. I'm frustrated with crushes in general. And I don't know that I'd say I want the feelings to go away but they make me uneasy. When I say the realistic option is to move what I mean is when I get a crush I don't do much with it but dwell on it and eventually let it go, almost. And, I say this because when I get crushes I visualize things that are not gonna happen(dating, cuddling, kissing, intimacy, weird scenarios, etc.) so it's easier to say no. I'd like to talk to this person more very much and maybe even ask them out. I can be a little dramatic or exaggerate my feelings but maybe it's because I feel things intensely? I don't know.. Thank you by the way for asking those questions they gave me something to think about and get out of my head and look at is a little clearly.

[Sam W]

Hi Lostand_found,

Can I ask if there's a certain element of having crushses that frustrates you?

You're actually already doing one of the things we recommend, which is acknowledge the crush is happening and then just ride it out. However, if you're interested in getting to know your current crush better there are ways to do that too. For instance, is this someone to you talk to casually? Or are they someone you've barely spoken to?

[Gone.Sorry.]

Too, I imagine a lot of people fantasize about having intimacy with their crushes. There's certainly no reason to beat yourself up for desiring intimacy.

Do people often tell you that you're dramatic or "exaggerating" your feelings or is this something you just feel about yourself?

[pianolover]

Hi Sam,
Yeah, I believe it's my thoughts and getting nervous around a person it takes a lot of energy over one person it's amazingly unbelievable.
I see them every week where we have to interact face to face and talk.
Also, people suggest that meeting people in places that you have similar interests is great but it also can suck if the relationship plummets.

[pianolover]

Hey Horriblegoose,
I've been told that I was overly sensitive in the past and I've also heard being intense is a turn off by a few women not directly to me but about other women.

[Gone.Sorry.]

I'm sorry you've been told you're overly sensitive, Lostand_found!

I've been told this myself, and I always find it a very interesting conundrum. For example, my mom has often told my sister and I that we are "too sensitive" and she wishes she hadn't moved away from her family (who "made her tough") so that we could have been raised around more people who would have been meaner to us and called us names so that when she says something "teasing" (but upsetting!) to us, we'd just laugh it off instead of getting upset. I have also been told I'm "too sensitive" in response to things like calling people out for using racial slurs.

And if you think about it - what is the opposite of being sensitive? Being insensitive. And let's look at that. Here's how each of those are defined:

Sensitive
having or displaying a quick and delicate appreciation of others' feelings
easily offended or upset

Insensitive
showing or feeling no concern for others' feelings
not aware of or able to respond to something

Honestly, I know which one I'd rather be more. I'd rather be more sensitive. I would rather care about other people's feelings. I would rather be kind and compassionate rather than blunt and callous. I would rather be thoughtful than thoughtless.

I find in situations where people call me "overly sensitive", it's less that I'm "too" sensitive and more that they are being rather insensitive towards myself and likely towards others.

As for being too intense - yes, that can be intimidating, but it can also be balanced out by having some common sense and boundaries. You can be someone who feels emotions very deeply and very strongly and not be intense. Having a depth of feelings doesn't mean that you should feel less or that you will automatically overstep on people's boundaries.

Some things that may be considered "intense" or crossing boundaries:
- Texting people several times in a row, multiple times throughout the day, without waiting for a response back
- Getting upset and railing on someone because they don't always respond via text/call immediately after you text/call them
- Taking "no" to mean "try harder"
- Expecting someone to meet with you every day regardless of other life responsibilities they have
- Not respecting when someone wants/needs some alone time

But having a crush on someone doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong or that you're feeling "too much". Having BIG feelings isn't bad. Having BIG feelings towards someone isn't bad. You're allowed to have crushes. You're allowed to flirt. You're allowed to ask if someone wants to get a cup of coffee with you.

However, I do totally understand feeling exhausted about how much time someone may take up space in your thoughts, lol. But maybe if you accepted your feelings more instead of fighting them or only trying to suppress them, that feeling might actually become easier to deal with? So maybe you could start practicing some mindfulness surrounding this? Mindfulness inherently involves a component of not judging yourself for how you're feeling. So, for example, when you start thinking a lot about a crush, instead of getting frustrated and purposefully trying to get over the crush, you could instead just affirm how you're feeling. Like: "I sure am thinking about [Person] a whole lot. I have a crush on them, and that's fine! However, right now, I do need to work on my homework, so maybe tonight I will enjoy these feelings more, but right now I will focus and get my math done." Then take some deep breaths, maybe do five minutes of stretching if you can, and get on with whatever you're trying to do.

If you felt ready to do so, you might also try acting on your feelings instead of suppressing or rejecting them. Just starting by talking to someone and getting to know them more would be a fine way to start. =)

[pianolover]

Hello,
Thank you for your thorough reply I will refer back to this advice and I think there are some good examples of what being intense can be and how to cope with feelings using mindfulness.

[Amanda F]

HI Lostand_found,

I'm glad horriblegoose's suggestions were helpful! Mindfulness is definitely a great practice that can help with all sorts of feelings.

Is there anything else you'd like to chat about and/or other ways we can support you?