haven’t talked to my best friend in almost a week

[avaiara]

it was a petty, stupid argument but i’ll give you the rundown so you understand

friday the 13th, my shop was having a flash sale on tattoos that lasted the whole day. my friend went in and got one without me, which i thought was a bit weird considering we had been talking about going together but i didn’t think anything of it. she got her tattoo and she was happy.

about a week later, her boyfriend starts talking about how he went into the shop and got one of the flash tats for $31. i thought it was strange since nobody had said anything about it, but i thought i was just out of the loop since i had just flown back in from a trip to chicago. i decided to go in and get tatted myself, but wanted to call my coworkers and ask if this was true. they said no, which is what i figured.

my friend got upset with me for “ruining the secret”, because apparently it was supposed to be something not for the public to know but i literally work there so they definitely would have told me if something happened, i just brushed her off as being moody and went about my day.

(a bit off topic, but relevant) her brothers girlfriend is my coworker and her and i had a bit of a falling out almost a year ago, and since i’m back home and ready to start getting tatted again, i remembered her and i’s plans for a tattoo. i asked her to draw something out since i like her art style and i still really wanted her to do my tattoo, but i thought i should apologize for things before i said “hey, do you still want to tattoo me?” so, i apologized.

apparently, her brothers girlfriend told my friend that i texted her apologizing only so i could get a free tattoo.....after hearing this i laughed out loud because anybody who knows me knows that i would never expect free work from somebody, even if it was my own fucking mother tattooing me, and two, as a piercer myself, i know how it feels to have people take advantage of you to try and get free shit so why the fuck would i do that to her?

to have my best friend tell me (and her boyfriend, as well as my own) to my face that she thinks that’s what i did was like a punch to the gut. as my best friend, she’s supposed to know me better than that. i stopped talking to her after that and it’s been almost a week of no contact which is really strange for us since we talk 24/7 and are with each other almost every other day. i’m hurt, but i don’t want to drag it on anymore so should i just apologize or wait for her to say something to me?

[Sam W]

Hi avaiara,

This sounds like a pretty tangled up situation (and like your co-worker may have deliberately misrepresented the conversation with you). With your friend, did either of you make it clear to the other why you were angry (was she purely upset about you "ruining" a secret that it sounds like you would have known anyway)?

Too, it's up to you what you want to prioritize in this situation. Does it feel more important to you simply to apologize and see if you two can move on? Or do you want to try and hash out why this happened and resolve any issues?

[avaiara]

Hi avaiara,

This sounds like a pretty tangled up situation (and like your co-worker may have deliberately misrepresented the conversation with you). With your friend, did either of you make it clear to the other why you were angry (was she purely upset about you "ruining" a secret that it sounds like you would have known anyway)?

Too, it's up to you what you want to prioritize in this situation. Does it feel more important to you simply to apologize and see if you two can move on? Or do you want to try and hash out why this happened and resolve any issues?

well, i did tell my friend why it made me upset and she just kind of brushed me off. she gave me a very insincere apology, followed by “you obviously don’t care” and “what is it that i did because i’m lost”. so, from my end, anyway, it just sounds like she wants to put it all on me.
my coworker lives with her and her brother (since she’s dating her brother), and i’m nervous to go back over to her house if we make up because all that everyone is going to think is that i tried to get something out of her, which sucks and it makes me feel embarrassed because that’s not the case.

i do want to move on but i also want her to understand why i’m hurt, but i feel like texting her after almost a week still angry about what happened wouldnt be a good idea. i just don’t know what to say/how to go about it

[avaiara]

Hi avaiara,

This sounds like a pretty tangled up situation (and like your co-worker may have deliberately misrepresented the conversation with you). With your friend, did either of you make it clear to the other why you were angry (was she purely upset about you "ruining" a secret that it sounds like you would have known anyway)?

Too, it's up to you what you want to prioritize in this situation. Does it feel more important to you simply to apologize and see if you two can move on? Or do you want to try and hash out why this happened and resolve any issues?

well, i did tell my friend why it made me upset and she just kind of brushed me off. she gave me a very insincere apology, followed by “you obviously don’t care” and “what is it that i did because i’m lost”. so, from my end, anyway, it just sounds like she wants to put it all on me.
my coworker lives with her and her brother (since she’s dating her brother), and i’m nervous to go back over to her house if we make up because all that everyone is going to think is that i tried to get something out of her, which sucks and it makes me feel embarrassed because that’s not the case.

i do want to move on but i also want her to understand why i’m hurt, but i feel like texting her after almost a week still angry about what happened wouldnt be a good idea. i just don’t know what to say/how to go about it

[Sam W]

I agree that texting her a week later still angry probably isn't the sound call in this instance. One thing that may help is to think about what you want from texting her, whether that's reconnecting because you miss talking to her, feeling like things got confusing in the middle of the fight and wanting to check in on how she's doing, or something else entirely. That way, you know what to lead with if you text her. You may also want to keep this article handy in case the conflict starts up again: How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics.

Speaking of conflict, you may want to think about how you'll respond if you reach out and she immediately jumps back into the argument, just so you're not taken by surprise if she does.

With going over to her place, depending on how things resolve between you it may help to share your concerns with her and see if she can help you. But, if it feels like doing that is prolonging the conflict in a way that just isn't productive, this may be one of those times where accepting that a few people may have the wrong idea about something you did is the simplest move. It can be so frustrating when that happens, but sometimes it's equally frustrating (and exhausting) to keep trying to correct the idea. You get to decide what feels like the right use of your energy to you.

[avaiara]

I agree that texting her a week later still angry probably isn't the sound call in this instance. One thing that may help is to think about what you want from texting her, whether that's reconnecting because you miss talking to her, feeling like things got confusing in the middle of the fight and wanting to check in on how she's doing, or something else entirely. That way, you know what to lead with if you text her. You may also want to keep this article handy in case the conflict starts up again: How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics.

Speaking of conflict, you may want to think about how you'll respond if you reach out and she immediately jumps back into the argument, just so you're not taken by surprise if she does.

With going over to her place, depending on how things resolve between you it may help to share your concerns with her and see if she can help you. But, if it feels like doing that is prolonging the conflict in a way that just isn't productive, this may be one of those times where accepting that a few people may have the wrong idea about something you did is the simplest move. It can be so frustrating when that happens, but sometimes it's equally frustrating (and exhausting) to keep trying to correct the idea. You get to decide what feels like the right use of your energy to you.

i do want to text her about it so she knows that i’m not necessarily angry, just upset but willing to look past it and forgive. but she’s the kind of person who will think that i’m just trying to fight with her — which isn’t the case. i do just want things to go back to how they were, but at the same time, i feel like in order for that to happen i need to bring this up with her in SOME way.

if she were to reach out to me about it, i will admit i would be a little upset/caught off guard, but i think i would be able to handle it and i would go about it how i had planned on doing it to begin with. it is very frustrating knowing that my coworker has told people and thinks herself that i would do something like that, but talking to her about it is a whole different situation and it wouldn’t end well.

[Sam W]

What if, then, you texted her a variation of what you just said to me: that you want to resolve things between the two of you and you're not angry with her, but that you feel like things sort of blew up in a weird way between you? Too, have you and she had conflicts before? If so, how did those usually get resolved?

[avaiara]

What if, then, you texted her a variation of what you just said to me: that you want to resolve things between the two of you and you're not angry with her, but that you feel like things sort of blew up in a weird way between you? Too, have you and she had conflicts before? If so, how did those usually get resolved?

honestly, her and i have never had a conflict like this. we’ve gotten in “disagreements”, meaning we’ll disagree on something and forget about it seconds later. this is the first “real” conflict we’ve had in our years of friendship, so i can’t really answer how they’ve gotten resolved as we’ve never really had a falling out this hard.

i do want to text her, it’s just been so long so i don’t really know how she’ll feel about it. she’s definitely the more sensitive of the two of us so i think she probably took it harder than i did

[Sam W]

Got it, I imagine not having had a conflict like this before is part of why this feels so loaded in some ways. Being in that uncharted territory can be stressful.

Since it sounds like you're leaning towards texting her, what if beforehand you thought about (or even wrote out) how you'll respond to certain reactions from her? Even if you've never fought like this before, it sounds like you know her well enough to make some educated guesses as to her likely reactions. Having that ready to go may make this a tiny bit easier.

Too, did your relationship seem totally normal before this argument? Or had the dynamic of it been changing?

[avaiara]

Got it, I imagine not having had a conflict like this before is part of why this feels so loaded in some ways. Being in that uncharted territory can be stressful.

Since it sounds like you're leaning towards texting her, what if beforehand you thought about (or even wrote out) how you'll respond to certain reactions from her? Even if you've never fought like this before, it sounds like you know her well enough to make some educated guesses as to her likely reactions. Having that ready to go may make this a tiny bit easier.

Too, did your relationship seem totally normal before this argument? Or had the dynamic of it been changing?

i think that’s a good idea. i actually already wrote out a few things i could possibly want to say to her, one being direct with how i’m feeling and the other just being an apology and asking for things to go back to normal. i was thinking on checking her socials or even messaging her brother to see how she’s feeling, and depending on the answer to my question is what message i’ll send to her.

our relationship seemed pretty normal, nothing really changed. we’ve always been really close and hang out almost every day and it wasn’t different before we had our fight. i think things only got different after we stopped talking to each other

[Sam W]

Okay, I just wanted to ask in case there was a chance this fight was the culmination of something else that had been going on, but it doesn't sound like it.

I think checking in on her gently or indirectly to see how she's doing, and then following up in the way that feels best, is a sound plan. Is there anything else we can help you with around this situation (or another situation, for that matter)?

[avaiara]

Okay, I just wanted to ask in case there was a chance this fight was the culmination of something else that had been going on, but it doesn't sound like it.

I think checking in on her gently or indirectly to see how she's doing, and then following up in the way that feels best, is a sound plan. Is there anything else we can help you with around this situation (or another situation, for that matter)?

not at this moment, i’m just afraid that things won’t be the same or that things will be weird since it’s almost been a week. the only other time we’ve gone this long without talking was when i was admitted into the psychiatric ward, but the circumstances were obviously very different then.

[Sam W]

That's a totally understandable worry, especially since this is kind of new situation for the two of you. But, since you two are close friends, I think the chances are good that you'll be able to work this out, even if there are some awkward or rough bits while you do so.

[avaiara]

That's a totally understandable worry, especially since this is kind of new situation for the two of you. But, since you two are close friends, I think the chances are good that you'll be able to work this out, even if there are some awkward or rough bits while you do so.

i actually have an update, and maybe need some advice:
my boyfriends best friend (who is dating my best friend) just came over and they talked a little bit and after he left, my boyfriend talked to me and said that none of them (my friend included) thought badly about me, and that they wish we were talking again. my boyfriend said that his friend told him that my best friend said she is confused, wondering if we are/aren’t friends, she wants to be friends and she’s debating on wether or not she should message first because she was the last person to message me.

i’m not sure how to go about this now. my best friends boyfriend removed my snapchat because he thought he started the problem— which he didn’t, but i guess he thought it would resolve things, but it didn’t. i don’t know what i should say now

[Sam W]

It actually sounds like this gave you some helpful information on how she's feeling about the whole thing. So, maybe a next step is just to get in touch with her and see how that initial conversation goes (since you now know that she's still interested in contacting you).

[avaiara]

It actually sounds like this gave you some helpful information on how she's feeling about the whole thing. So, maybe a next step is just to get in touch with her and see how that initial conversation goes (since you now know that she's still interested in contacting you).

yeah, i was thinking on doing that. i’m still not totally sure what i want to say after finding this out, maybe just starting conversation instead of what i wanted to do

[Mo]

It might be good to reach out to re-establish contact and figure out if or how you want to address your earlier disagreement based on how the initial conversation goes. One thing I will say is that it sounds like there's a lot of indirect information-sharing happening in this situation, where you're finding out about one person's feelings or actions through someone else, and I think sometimes that can make it easier for misunderstandings or hurt feelings to happen.