Scarleteen

I don’t know if this is a generational thing— of my ideal elements of a relationship is behind times— but is committed monogamy not desired as it used to be anymore; especially with youth

I understand that younger people are more curious, and often times, focus on their short-term desires rather then overall long-time happiness.
I understand we’re not in the era where marrying our high school sweethearts freshly out of senior year is not the norm anymore.
I understand that you’ll have multiple partners in a lifetime.

I’m glad we’re in a time where things such as polyamory, causal dating, and sexual liberation outside “tightly-fitted” monogamous relationships can be discussed more open now. Especially with online support.

Although, I’ve cannot relate to that scene.
I’ve tried causal sex before— It was alright— nothing too fantastic.
I don’t understand the hype that media— such as articles— make FWB or casual sex so “fulfilling” as it seems to be.


I’m eighteen, I know this sounds ridiculous, maybe even surgarcoated, all I want in a relationship is someone who has a firey romantic passion similar to mine, but along with stability.
“Settling-down” is the desire of mine, it makes me feel comfortable, content, happy and I want to fulfill that with someone who wants it too.
I know that commitment has a faulty connotation nowadays, but sometimes, I think lots of people don’t understand that commitment can be exciting— cause a relationship can go through phases just like individuals, and seeing what a relationship can lead a couple can be just exciting as a temporary “fling”!

The problem is, how do I find likeminded individuals, who are young, yet have “traditional” values?
Since the dating world is so harshly diverse nowadays should I just change my mindset and “grow-up” and form temporary relationships like everybody else?

Hi nonsequitur,

I will say that, while it's become maybe a little more common to talk about casual sex and there's less cultural taboo around it, there are still plenty of people who are looking for a longer term relationship. Part of the reason I say that is because you're definitely not the first person to come to Scarleteen wondering if it's pointless to want that sort of relationship. It can sometimes feel like casual relationships are the more common thing, especially when you're younger, because so many relationships at that age are casual or, at the very least, temporary.

It's not silly or pointless to want a longer term relationship, just like it's not silly or weird to want to explore casual relationships. We each get to decide what relationship model(s) work best for us and look for partners who want the same thing.

When it comes to finding people who want the same relationship type that you do, a lot depends on how you go about looking for them. For instance, if you're using a dating site or app, most people will list what kind of relationship they're looking for. If you're mostly meeting people through social activities, then it often comes up in conversation. Do those ways of expressing what you want feel doable to you?

Hi Nonsequitur,

(Edit: I see Sam has replied in a similar way!)

From what I know I think it's mainly the conversation around dating that has come to include a wider range of relationship styles, not the dating itself! People have always had casual sex, we're perhaps (I hope) just being better at talking about it).

It has always been a very big ask to expect people to find a 'high school sweetheart' who can also be a life partner, so I'd say the stress you're feeling around it isn't so new, as it comes from that particular situation.

If that's something you're hoping for, there's no problem with that, but there's no way of guaranteeing you'll find such a person in the short term. I definitely wouldn't say that you should have any type of relationship you aren't actually interested in as you will pretty much always eventually find people who are compatible with your preferred dating style in time, especially if you're invested in meeting new people. It might take a little time, but you'll get there.