My ex knowingly gave me HPV, what now?

[Miria]

Hello everyone,
First, thank you so much for this website, this is actually the first time I write, but I have browsed it many times and you guys are always super helpful.
Not sure if this topic should go under "sexual health" or "relationships", but there it goes.

I went for my annual check up a month ago and my pap smear came back abnormal. The doc said it meant I had HPV. On top of that, I had noticed that some of the skin near the entrance of my vagina had changed texture, so he examined that as well and said it was maybe genital warts. So I would have 2 strains at the same time. The worst is that because of yeast infections and other things, it's very difficult for me to use creams and stuff, because I m really not comfortable touching my vagina in any way. Before a second exam (happened yesterday), the doc had said that if it was warts, I could have them lasered, but yesterday he told me that given how things are (not super raised, or visible) it would be best to use a cream to make sure they don't return. Have to use the cream up to 16 weeks, and I honestly dont know how I will be able to.

Now a bit of backstory: I know how they say that you can never know who passed HPV to you, unless you've only had one partner. The doc explained that to me, and also explained how common HPV is. I only had two partners in my life: the first one for 4 years, and the second one, my ex, for a little more than 6 months. We broke up early last year. Now I have been tested pretty regularly, and never had anything like that before, so I'm pretty sure I got it from him. I'm also sure that he knew he had it when we began to have sex(talking about the warts type of HPV), and chose not to tell. Things are adding up now, and some of his behavior can only be explained by that. On top of that, this guy was a liar through and through. He abused me in very subtle ways, which I didnt realize before I was already very depressed and sick, constantly worried because of his emotional blackmail. He was also abusive in the bedroom, again not physically violent but dismissive of what I wanted, telling me how I should enjoy things... Thanks to the support of friends, I realized he was a narcissist who just wanted to bring me down and the good days were a lie and never going to come back. I finally left him. Have spent the most of these past months trying to rebuild myself, trying to focus on the positive, and not see myself as "damaged" or "ruined" by this jerk.

Ever since I learned about HPV diagnosis a month ago, I am in tears again, completely devestated. It's not so much the disease itself, although that's already hard to take - my Mom spent the past 2 years battling cervical cancer, I have seen what it does. It's knowing that this jerk had this, knew it all along, and chose not to tell me, chose to treat me like a worthless piece of garbage. We had the STD "talk", he had the occasion and he chose not to tell. I keep trying to understand the why. Why would you do that to a fellow human being. Who would do that. I also feel like the whole situation is deeply unfair, as I was always super careful in my sex life, never had sex without a condom on, only 2 partners, and I find myself at the worst end of every stat I find about HPV (picked two strains, and showing symptoms unlike most people). I feel like it is unfair that I'm the one who's "marked", the one who has to pay for an expensive and long treatment which may not work, the one who has to worry about things getting scarier, the one who will have to disclose every time for the rest of my life and face rejection, while this jerk gets away with it and is free to go around and have sex with whoever and no one is going to call him "dirty" or "unclean" - even though he will probably keep on passing it on.

Meanwhile, I cry myself to sleep every night and feel like a total wh***, because I feel like no one will ever want me again after this. And even if someone did, I can't imagine letting them perform even oral sex on me, I would be way too worried that they catch it, it would be disgusting. I feel like I will never be able to go to bed with someone with a happy, positive, state of mind again. It'll always be there in the background, and I wont be able to enjoy myself.
I am also ashamed of myself for being in that situation, and I keep blaming myself for believing him and being so naive to his lies. applied the cream last night, and I kept crying all the while, how did you come to this I thought. all those steps I took these past few months to rebuild myself, all the efforts, they were useless, and I'm back to nothing. I really feel like he had the last laugh here, and it's driving me mad. I wish I could move on, but because of him I cant!

Sorry for the long post, but I felt like I had to explain things. I know HPV isn't that much of a big deal, compared to all the other stuff that's out there; I know most people will have it at some point, and as the doc said, there are a lot of other virus that people don't feel ashamed about having but that are a lot more dangerous to the general population (like the flu, which kills many people every year). I also realize I use a lot of strong language to refer to being infected, and I don't mean it as an insult to people who have STDs, HPV or others. It's just really how I feel about myself RN. Don't know how to express it otherwise.

Thanks for reading, sorry for long post.

[Sam W]

Hi Miria,

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of rough emotions, so before we dive into anything else I want to ask: what is your support system like right now? Your self-care routine? And did you ever seek out professional support to help you heal from the abuse?

I'm going to offer a few other thoughts, and then we can see where the conversation goes from there. First off, while it sounds like you know you shouldn't, or you don't want to, think of having an STI the way you do the language you apply to yourself tells me that you've internalized a lot of negative messages about STIs. Those messages are still so, so prevalent in our culture that having internalized them without meaning to doesn't make you a bad person. But what it does mean is that now is the time to start unlearning those messages in earnest so that you stop applying them to yourself. That can be really difficult, because we're often better at applying gentleness and acceptance to others than we are to ourselves. Can you give me a sense of how much reading you've done about the destigmatization of STIs?

The other thought I want to offer right now is that you might benefit from changing the story you're telling yourself right now about how you contracted HPV and what that means for you. If you feel you have more reason to suspect that your abusive ex, rather than the ex before him, is who transmitted this to you then I trust you to have details that back-up that suspicion. But, an important detail is this: there is no approved method of HPV screening for someone with a penis. So unless that person has visible symptoms, there's no way to confirm whether or not they're carrying the virus. That means that whichever partner transmitted this to you could very well not have known they had it, which means they didn't transmit it intentionally (there is the fact that there are precautions to take to prevent possible transmission if their HPV status is unknown, and not being willing to take those is an issue in and of itself). This also means that you could not have known his status, and even with lots of precautions HPV can still be transmitted, so contracting it is genuinely nothing to be ashamed of. Too, plenty of people go on to have happy, healthy sex lives while carrying HPV, so I would caution against thinking that contracting it spells the end for your sex life. Does all of that make sense so far?

[Miria]

Hey Sam, thank you so much for your super kind and helpful reply. I'll try to answer point by point.

I have told my closest friends about the diagnosis, and they have been really supportive. They've also told me to try therapy, about this and the past relationship issues and other things, but it's hard for me as I've had some bad experience with this in the past. I just feel like I would have to relive it all once more, and I'm already doing that in my head all the time. It feels scary and overwhelming. For self-care, I guess I'm just going through the motions with what I have to do (my job and studies), but when I get home I just cant do anything, either productive or for myself. I just stay at home (I live alone), and either I think about it or I try to avoid dealing with it altogether. I've managed to stop obsessively Googling about the issue for a few days at a time, and get more sleep. I know it's not healthy at all, but I always find myself going back to doing that, and of course it doesn't help with the anxiety.

About the negative messages in our culture about STIs: I know they're not true, and I don't use this "filter" when I hear about other people's experiences. But as you said, it's easier for me to be kind and just plain rational about other people than about my own situation. I think it's partly because of the people around me, my Mom in particular, who always had pretty strong opinions about this (it's for people who cheat, people who are promiscuous, people who are not careful enough,...). I've tried to move past these ideas, and I was lucky enough to meet more open-minded people. But it's still there in the back of my mind, as I can see now. The most reading I have done on this issue is probably articles on STD disclosure or stories about people living with STD, which help give a different perspective, granted. But if you've got more resources, I'd be very grateful.

When I was told I had HPV, I didn't think about my ex right away. It only began to make sense when the doctor told me about the warts and how you can get them and treat them. I remembered that when we started dating, my ex was always kissing/touching me, always very sexual (I was okay with it), till we were both ready for foreplay and more; I made sure to discuss STDs/protection before that happened however, and he told me many times that he was very careful with that, that he was getting STD tests every year, etc. I thought we would be having sex after that, but instead he only gave me oral sex, telling me that he didnt want things to move too fast. I thought it was a bit strange since he had seemed so eager to get into my pants before, but of course I respected his decision. Things stayed like this for like 2 weeks, then I ended up sleeping at his place over the weekend, and he told me that he really wanted to have sex with me but that he had some sort of skin rash, and that would make it painful for him. He said he had gone to the doctor, and he insisted that it was not an STD, that he was "clean" (his word)...He was very defensive about it, and did not want me to see him naked. I realize now that was a big red flag, but I did not have reason to doubt him, and I just didn't see why he would lie, we serious about each other. I was just too naive I guess.

We had sex a couple weeks after that. I think he just waited for the warts to be less visible, but not for them to be gone, aka less contagious. He was very worried about his appearance, what people thought of him,etc, so he probably just didnt want to risk rejection and lied instead. I admit I have no surefire way of knowing that it was HPV, but I think it's very likely, especially since I have never had anything like this before him - and I had plenty of skin exams done over the years because of the various yeast infections. AND I also learned after it was over that one of his ex had GW (she told me, though she couldnt be sure it was from him; I didnt know about my own diagnosis at this point). I appreciate that he did not try to have sex with me without taking some meds, and I understand how hard it was for him to disclose, especially like that. But I still think that I got cheated out of my informed consent here, and this unfortunately goes all too well with the way he behaved during most of the relationship. As I said, I dont think he avoided sex for my concern, but to spare his own ego.

I realize that even without warts, he could have passed it to me, and that I did everything I could to prevent transmission given the info I had at the time... I have also thought about my possible reaction if he had told me. I think that if given the medical stats, I would have said something like "as long as you get full treatment and we wait till warts are gone, I can take that risk". I loved him as a person, and not as a body or medical record. But I will never know because he made that choice for me; and that's the hardest thing for me to deal with right now. It's like his abuse is still going on, even after I got him out of my life.

Sorry for the even longer post!

[Alice O]

Hi Miria,

No need to apologize for long responses! We are happy to hear what you have to say

I am glad to hear that your friends are being supportive--that is so important! You mentioned that they have encouraged you to try therapy, both about your abusive ex and other things, but that you have had a bad experience with therapy. Would you be willing to share more about that? Also, you mentioned that you are worried therapy would make you relive it all once more, which you said you're already doing in your head all the time. I had the exact same fear before starting therapy! What I realized, which you are actually getting at, is that I was *already* thinking and feeling about the tough things often. Talking with a professional helped me actual think about them less often, and helped me manage my feelings when they did come up. Does that make sense?

In addition, some self-care could be really helpful! Sounds like you have some time to yourself in the evenings after work. You said you often end up thinking about all this. What if next time you're home and it comes up, you acknowledge the thought, "there I go thinking about HPV again," and then re-direct yourself to something nice for yourself. Scarleteen has a great list of self-care ideas here: Self-Care a La Carte.

I'm sorry that your mom's beliefs about STIs have been making you feel badly It makes a lot of sense for any of us to
struggle with unlearning our culture's negative messages about STIs, but it can be especially hard when those messages have come from a close family member. I think you would benefit from reading this piece: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... tal_herpes. Let me know any questions or thoughts you have after reading!

[Miria]

Hi Alice,
Thank you so much for your awesome reply, it really helps just to know that there are people like you around, and not just people ready to judge and be mean.

I took some time off the computer on Sunday (which is why I didnt reply sooner), but of course it all started again on Monday evening. I feel like I am torturing myself with this, I have read the same descriptions of the virus countless times, it's ridiculous. It's like I'm reading on and on and on because I hope that somehow somewhere I will find someone who says what I want to hear. I'll try some ideas from the Self-Care list next time - thank you! - actually, I've already done some on the list, but I feel like every time I manage to distract myself from this, I fall back even deeper into the freaking vortex.

It's just draining me, and it's starting to affect my "real" life too. I dont eat properly, some days I barely drink or sleep. Having to go to work is actually a good thing because it forces me to get dressed and focus on something else, but I'm clearly underperforming. I know this HAS to stop, as it's also bad for my system,and I need my immune system to fight the virus right now, as the doc explained to me.
But it's like I can't take care of myself. I feel like since this is not a curable disease, why fight? It's not like I'm gonna meet someone else and would need to be healthy for them, aka get better and also remove those warts. (I know this is NOT the truth, but this the voice in my head talking). As I write this, I also realize that the reason I don't care for my body and myself is because I don't feel like I deserve to be cared for. This is something that's been with me for a long time, before the diagnosis, but now it's stronger than ever.

This brings me to therapy and your question about my experience with it. I've struggled with depression and anxiety ever since I was a young teen, maybe before that. Over the years, I've come to realize that the roots lie in events which I dont feel comfortable discussing here in detail, but let's just say that some of it is linked to abuse, physical, emotional and maybe sexual (I say "maybe" because I only have very blurred memories from what MAY have happened, and I dont trust myself to know for sure). Anyway, the emotions became more and more overwhelming, and I realized I had a lot of trust issues, with people in general but especially with men, and so I went to a psychiatrist. Hands down, one of the worst moments of my life. I just felt like a whiny person complaining about nothing at all. She had a script made for me before she even heard what i had to say, and I had to play the specific part she'd given me, if that makes sense. I never went back.

A few years later, I went to a counselor for sex therapy, because I wanted to deal with specific problems with body image, fear of intimacy, shame, trust, etc. She was way better than the first one, but I still felt like we were avoiding the problems I wanted to discuss. I finally talked about the abuse, and she said that there was no way I could ever know if it had happened, and that it was best to leave it at that, because for her my main problems came from the relationship I had at the time. I had started dating my first boyfriend, who was very understanding and supportive in spite of my hang-ups, and so to me he wasn't the problem at all, on the contrary! Anyway, I felt that what we were doing was just putting band-aids on a wound that had already festered, and I guess I just lost faith in my ability to be strong enough to ever "cleanse" it - wow boy am i lyrical today It wasnt completely useless, but I stopped seeing her after a while because I didnt feel like the real problems were being addressed.
Add to the mix that I'm always super wary of telling things to people - I always fear that they will judge me and or use it against me someday, yes even therapists as silly as it sounds! - and you see why I'm really hesitant to try again. Plus, there are SO MANY approaches, I feel a bit lost; I certainly dont want to just sit and talk it over and over, but I'm not sure I'd be able to do practical exercises and confront the negative emotions directly either.

Apparently, it's easier to trust strangers on the internet for me I'll stop here because I gotta go, but I will probably come back with questions on Heather's reply about the herpes diagnosis. I read it once, but I got emotional of course, so I will probably need a second read to make sense of all the info.

Again, thank you so much <3

[Sam W]

Hi Miria,

It sounds like it was definitely a good call to take time away from the internet, and doing so shows that you're already starting down the road towards self-care. In addition to looking at the article Alice gave you, something you could try that may help you bypass the "I am not deserving of care" brain loop is to decide to treat yourself the way you would treat a friend or a little kid who was having a bad time. It doesn't always work, but sometimes it it reframes the situation enough that you have an easier time taking care of yourself than you otherwise would.

Since it sounds like some of what you're feeling around the Herpes diagnosis is very tied to ongoing mental health stuff, I think it would be a good step in taking care of yourself to move towards finding more mental health supports. Given your past experiences, it makes sense that you'd feel hesitant to do so but if you can find a resource that matches your needs, it will end up being really good for you in the long run. In either of the previous times you saw a mental healthcare provider, were they someone who had special training in helping abuse survivors? Even if you're never able to lay the question of past sexual abuse to rest, you know you have physical and emotional abuse that you're recovering from, and any therapist you work with needs to be trained to help you with that process. Too, if you're interested, we can give you some resources and information that can help you find a therapist who uses methods other than talk therapy.

[Veronica vol.2]

Hello Miria,
I know this thread is quite old, but I find myself in (almost) the same situation and I'd really like to know if it might get better. I actually ran into this post googling "my ex boyfriend gave me hpv" at 2 am, trying to cry myself to sleep. I recognised myself in everything you said, except for the fact that I feel even more naive because I actually knew my bf could have an std. He had warned me that one of his previous girlfriends had had hpv and that, because of that, he agreed with me about using the condom. He never really emphasized this topic, in fact he understated it (always saying that, most likely, with an healthy immune system, even if he had gotten the virus he might have as well gotten rid of it), but I can't really blame him for that, since he was probably saying that in a denial phase (?) and I had no reason to believe him, since I actually have a medical culture. I believed him because I wanted to and I decided to quit the condom for 5 or 6 times because I wanted to. I used to feel so insicure about myself, probably beacuse he was never as interested in me as I would have liked him to be, but, on the other side, he was always going on about the wonders of his ex girlfriends with whom he had this amazing condom-less sex. I used to feel so inferior and maybe I wanted to prove something. What scares me the most is that there was some part of my brain that though: "Ok, even if I get the disease, what's the worst thing that can happen? I have a pap test, I get a diagnosis and I could even help him making sure he has hpv (since there's no screening test for males). I might do him this favour.". I was, for some reason, putting his interest before my own health and I didn't even love him! It's just what I always end up doing in relationships, maybe beacuse, deep down, I don't think I deserve the same care. We have broken up months ago, with a very friendly arrangement; I found my hpv-test positive some weeks ago and I can't stop thinking that I'll never have a normal sexual life again. I keep thinking that I'm dangerous, I can't let anyone even give me oral sex. Last time I tried having sex with a friend of mine (with whom I had had a long talk about my situation), I was completely "dry", I couldn't relax, no matter how many times he told me that I had nothing to worry about. I'm about to do other tests, these weeks, and I'm considering to look for some psychological help, because once I used to have low self esteem and a little fear of rejection but now I'm literally feeling like human garbage. Sorry for my super long post and for some unclear use of language (I'm not a mother tongue). I didn't really want you to relive some traumatic memory and I hope you're doing better now. If you don't feel like answering, you don't have to: maybe I just needed to let some "poison" out of my brain.

-A girl who's gonna be really tired tomorrow morning

[Siân]

Hi Veronica,

I've made you a thread of your own here in case you want to talk this through with us, and I'll responded to some of your comments there.