I'm a man and i'm afraid of having sex

[Tomdelonge]

Hi, I'm 23 years old. I had a relationship with my ex for 4 years, but broke up because she didn't turn me on (we had sex only 3 times...). And now after a year, I still can't get a girl to fuck with me. I can talk to girls, I make them laugh, they want me to make the first move, but I can't, i can't cause i don't know how to do it. I can't because I'm afraid she would understand I didn't have sex in a while, or that I'm not skilled, or worse i'm afraid of what she would tell to her friends about me if things get awkward... I feel like I'm losing the best years of my life because of these fears, and I don't know how to escape...

[Sam W]

Hi Tomdelonge,

So, that fear you're describing is something we see plenty of people worrying about. There's this weird idea that if someone is in their mid-twenties and has had little to no sex, then they're somehow "behind" everyone else. But the truth is that there a plenty of people out there that are in the same situation you are (and you're not really "wasting" anything, either).

The reason I bring this up is because it means that many women are not going to annoyed or put off by the fact that you don't have a lot of experience, either because they don't have much themselves or because they understand that people have widely different sexual histories. Too, how much sex you've had actually has very little bearing on how well you'll be able to have sex with a specific person, because that has far more to do with good communication and trust than it does with "experience." Does that make sense?

When you say you don't know how to do it, is the "it" ask someone to have sex with you? Or is it more that you are afraid of having to tell a partner that you don't have much experience?

[Tomdelonge]

I mean I don't know what's next, I don't know what man should do to bring her to bed. Is it okay to ask her to fuck? Then what if things gets so awkward we both get bored and one of us leave? Thing is that I don't feel like sex is for me... I see it like something I can't be part of, something external to me...

[Sam W]

That explanation helps a lot, thank you.

To answer your first question, not only is it okay to ask someone you've been flirting with if they're interested in having sex with you, it's actually pretty dang necessary. After all, you can't know if someone is interested in being sexual with you unless you ask them. Too, since sex cannot happen without the consent of both people, asking before trying anything is crucial.

Something that may help soothe some of these worries that you're having is that there is no single, "correct" way people are supposed to have sex. It varies widely depending on the people involved, and even then they may find that what they want during sex changes from day to day. I'd encourage you to read this article and think about what it says: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... esnt_exist.

That variation is why communication is probably the most important part of having a healthy, pleasurable sexual experience. For instance, before being sexual with someone, the two of you can talk about what things you like and dislike during sex. You can even use a tool like this to help you out: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist. Do you kind of see what I'm getting at there?

If you haven't already done so, you may want to take a look at this article, since it goes over how to talk about sex with a partner: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner. With those fears that one of you might get bored during, that's why continuing to communicate with each other as you're being sexual is important. That way one of you can say "eh, this isn't really doing much for me, can we try something else?"

Looking at all those resources I gave you, how are you feeling? Does this seem any less intimidating?

[Tomdelonge]

Hey, sorry for the delay.
Yes those articles helped a lot, but I still struggle with that fear... and one of my major problems is that I never feel like having sex. I've been without sex for too long now, I don't even feel a man... I find myself thinking about what the girl I could have sex would think about our intercourse, or why did she accepted to have sex with me, when there are more other guys she can fuck... I really got this wall in my head that's driving me crazy!! I'm starting realizing that we guys can do nothing about it, we just get chosen from a random girl who wants to fuck with us, and have sex with her. But unfortunately this never happened to me, and I feel like I'm not worthy, not enough...

[Sam W]

So, I want to touch on those feelings about desire and "being a man" in a minute, but first I think it's time for some mythbusting.

When it comes to finding a sexual partner, both people are actively participating in the process of finding each other (even if one person ends up being the one to say "hey, do you want to have sex?"). And that's before we even get to the part where women are often still taught that they shouldn't be the ones to make the first move in terms of sex. You're not powerless when it comes to finding a partner and, truth be told, laying back and simply hoping that someone will choose you is going to make it even less likely that someone wants to have sex with you. Getting to know people as friends, going on dates, respectful flirting, and things like that all allow potential partners to get to know you. While it may feel like a random selection process at times, women (and indeed anyone interested in sex) choose partners based on their own personal preferences.What that means is that finding a sexual partner involves finding a woman for whom you meet a lot of her preferences and she meets a lot of yours. Does that make sense?

Too, it may be worth remembering that you have been chosen as a partner before. Your ex wanted to date you, and wanted to have sex with you. In fact, you broke up because she didn't meet your preferences, not the other way around.

For the other parts of your question, when you say you never feel like having sex, do you mean the desire is just gone? Or is that you start to feel the desire, only for these fears you're having to crop up? And can you say more about why having not had sex in awhile makes you feel like less of a man?

[Tomdelonge]

I feel desire only for certain girls (up till now only 3 girls really turned me on) but when things start to build up I get scared and try to escape the situation... to answer your second question, it is because every friend I have they got some partner to fuck with, and I constantly feel inferior to them, they even started thinking I'm asexual, or gay, and it pisses me off!

[Sam W]

So, it's not that strange to only feel desire for certain people. Otherwise we'd be walking around attracted to every single person of the gender(s) we like. With the girls you've been attracted to, at what point in the interaction do you start to get scared? Is it only when you both decide you want to have sex? Does it happen when she expresses attraction to you? Something else?

When everyone around you seems to have a partner, that can certainly make you feel like you're somehow not measuring up. But the truth is, whether or not you have a romantic or sexual partner doesn't have anything to do with how valuable you are as a person. Likewise, it doesn't actually have anything to do with how "manly" you are. That being said, men often do face a lot of pressure to be sexual all the time, which can lead to a lot of feelings of inferiority if you're not meeting that expectation. What I'd suggest is that you read this article to see if anything in it resonates with you: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/poli ... linity_and

Do your friends make fun of you for the fact you're not currently dating anyone, or try to act like they're better than you because they're having sex? And can I ask why them thinking you may be gay or asexual makes you so angry?

[Tomdelonge]

I start to get scared when things start to get serious. When we've been flirting all night and it comes the time to get her in the car or to my place. I start doubting if I'm able to meet my partner's expectations, or if I'm able to keep an erection, or what would happen If I do something awkward... For example, there's this girl I've been flirting with, she was interested in me, but I was too afraid of being a douchebag if we would have sex, cause she's been with so many men she knows what to do, while I got no experience... long story short, I feel in love with her and I've declared myself, but she didn't love me back. She told me she was okay for a fuck, but at this point i think it would be strange to call her, and I don't know if she would say yes cause everytime we randomly meet she acts like she's annoyed by me... Plus I hate calling girls for fucking, it makes me feel miserable and desperate.

For your last question, not actually they make fun of myself, but they tell me I'm stressed and they call me repressed, and I just can't get it.

[Sam W]

Got it. So, this goes back to some of the things we've discussed previously, namely being comfortable and willing to discuss likes and dislikes ahead of time with a partner. If you're to the point of being sexual with a girl, the two of you can communicate before and during sex about what feels good (and what doesn't). Too, even if this girl (or any other girl) has had more sexual partners than you, this is still her first time having sex with you, just like it's your first time with her. You're each starting from the same place in terms of learning what the other does and does not like. It might help to think of it that way, because that can help things seem more equal and less intimidating, you know?

I will say that not calling her at this point seems like the sound choice, for a few reasons (if it helps to know, there's nothing "desperate" about calling someone to ask if they want to have sex if they've already told you they're open to that). One is that, if she's been acting annoyed when you two meet on accident, she may not be very open to you calling her. The other is that it sounds like you have strong, romantic feelings for her that she doesn't have for you. Hooking up with someone in that situation is likely to lead to some disappointment and hurt feelings.

Do you feel like you can tell your friends to quit making those comments, since it's clear they're not helping with the insecurity you're feeling around all this?

[Tomdelonge]

First things first sam, thank you so much for finding the time to read my messages and trying to help me, it really means a lot and it helps me understand lot of things about sex.

Yes, the fact that it's her first time with me soften things up, never thought of it that way.
But, one of my other problems is that I myself don't feel credible as a sexual partner. I don't know if I'm clear, I got this idea in mind that I as a man have to be, you know, rough and strong with a female partner, but I'm exactly the opposite, and i'm afraid that sex could get boring for my partner...

[Sam W]

You're very welcome, and I'm glad it's helping!

That idea that you have to rough and strong as a sexual partner is a message that a lot of men get growing up. Which sucks because, as you've discovered, there are lots of men for whom the idea of being that way during sex just isn't appealing. The good news is that there are lots of women out there who aren't interested in a rough, dominant partner. People's sexual preferences are widely varied, which means that you don't have to fit one, specific standard or being a man in order to find a partner. Part of finding someone to date or be sexual with is finding someone who's preferences work well with your own.