Scarleteen

Hello. I am a 16 year old boy diagnosed with depression and I also have really troubling thoughts more tied to low self esteem. I am Korean American and I go to a predominantly white school and struggle to fit in. My friends are not understanding of me or my issues so when I tell them abouty toxic mom or my self harm they shrug it off. I wanted to speak to a therapist but it was too embarrassing for me. My mom is a loving person but- I don't really like her? She's always weirdly sexualized me since I was younger. For example she once got md at me because I was shirtless going to the bathroom and had an issue with seeing my back. She's beaten me before over things like homework, getting a detention, and for being "dumb." I used to be overweight as a child and she would call me a fat ass when she was angry with me. She always swears when lecturing me and when I try to explain myself she yells and threatens to beat me and calls me diseespectful. About two years ago she choked me for "talking back" and denies that she did this. I've recently started hooking up with older women, usually aged 30 and over. I think I just search for validation through the women I have sex with. I feel like an outcast with my peers and I feel like shit with my mother and I hate myself in almost every way possible and I don't really know how to explain why I went for older women but I know it's all tied together :/

Hi Jenochann,

So, there are two big concerns in you question, but I want to start by addressing the fact that it sounds like your home is not safe for you and I'm so sorry that a person who is supposed to protect you has chosen to be violent towards you instead. When that's the case, safety planning is a must, and is something we can help you with if need be. Is there anyone in your life who you've told about your moms behavior? And do you have any safe places you can go to when you notice her getting the kind of angry that usually results in her being violent towards you?

As for being involved with older women, those women are engaging in something illegal because being sexual with you is statutory rape. They're the adults; they hold the power in the interaction, and any responsible adult would turn down a teenager who is interested in them. Is there anyone in your life who knows this has been going on?

The only person who knows about this is my twin sister but she does not live in America. And I have mentioned my mom's behavior to an old therapist before but I never told anyone but how she's gotten physical with me because I don't want her to get into trouble or have my whole family be upset with me

Got it. In that case, would it be helpful for us to connect you to a few more places where you can talk about what's happening both with your mom and with these other women and get support (you can keep talking with us here as well in addition to them)? You're dealing with several really tough things at once, and you deserve all the help you can get. Too, it sounds like you've seen a therapist in the past. Are you still seeing one?

That fear that telling anyone about the fact that your mom is physically abusive will lead to her getting in trouble, or that you're family will be angry with you if you do, is completely understandable. And I don't want to downplay those fears, or tell you that they won't happen, because that's simply not something we can promise (even though I wish it was). But you deserve to be safe and taking steps, even if they're small ones at first, to keep her from being able to continue harming you is ultimately the thing to work towards. Looking at this section from our article on safety planning, do you see some steps you can take? https://www.scarleteen.com/safety_plan_ ... _the_abuse