Scarleteen

Dear members of the message boards,

lately my friends are having an extra rough time. Friend A disclosed to me that they thinking about death a lot, without knowing if those are suicidal thoughts. (They are seeing a therapist, therefore I'm not extremely worried) and friend B has a difficult relationship with alcohol and a lot of family problems.
I'm worried about my emotional reaction. Since I'm pretty close to A I'm slightly concerned about them, but I'm pretty annoyed of B. Is there something wrong with me since my emotional reaction is so shallow? I really don't care a lot what could happen to B.
I'm annoyed of them since they do not listen to advice everyone tells them and after spending a lot of my previous years of caring of my friends during rough times, it's enough for me. However I'm feeling ashamed about it because I've never had to deal with such stuff they have to deal with and currently my life is quite great. I don't unterstand why there isn't a stronger sign of care in my self but one blob of apathy and ignorance. I don't know how to help them both. I feel like I've given up on B and somehow feel like I might don't want to deal with A's Problems anymore even though I have a long and strong friendship with A. It's not like they're always talking about themselves, they're not, but I feel like I missed a lot of goofy important puberty stuff but had extra education in terms of dealing with hard emotional topics.
What does my emotional reaction mean? Am I fine or the worst friend from hell?

Hi tomatopotato,

If you're someone who prides yourself on caring for your friends during tough times, it can definitely be a bit unnerving to find yourself responding to them with apathy rather than the compassion you're used to. But, having that reaction doesn't make you a bad friend. It's more often a sign that you've been putting a lot of energy into those friendships (or into many parts of your life including those relationships) and you're starting to get a bit burnt out. Since it sounds like you've been helping friends through rough times a lot recently, I think there's a good chance that burnout is what's going on. Too, if you're feeling like A and B are coming to you for advice and then not listening to it, that can cause some resentment or annoyance on top of the burnout.

You mention that your life is pretty good right now. In that mixture of good, are you finding time to take care of yourself? Or is it good in lots of active ways that leave you without a lot of time to recharge?

I'm actually having a lot of free time now which I'm spending in active ways. Recently I've had the chance to recharge a lot, so I'm feeling a lot less stressed!

However, could you suggest me some strategies how I can support especially B and how I should deal with them not listening? I've already suggested them visiting a therapist and showed them scarleteen, but they are ashamed of talking about their problems even to their friends.

Glad to hear you're getting time to re-charge, that's awesome!

With B, you've already done one of the biggest things you can, which is encourage them to find even more sources of support. You can also, if you haven't already done so, ask them what they're looking for from these conversations with you. That may help you both figure out if there's something they're hoping you can do, or if they're mainly looking for someone to vent to rather than looking for advice. If one of the things they're coming to you for support or advice on is their relationship with alcohol, have you looked into any resources aimed at people whose loved ones are struggling with alcohol use? Those might have further tools for you to use.

I also want to direct you towards this advice from Captain Awkward, since there are some similarities between what this letter writer is dealing with and what you're dealing with when it comes to B: https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/28/q ... t-it-back/