Scarleteen

I have been debating about my sexuality since the 7th grade when I got a crush on one of my friends of the same sex ( which confused me because I have never felt anything like that before, told my feelings about her, found out that she was bisexual and that she also liked me but she was dating someone at the time so... I ended up doing things I regret like making rumors that she was the one who was crushing on me and that I was actually straight because I didn’t know what to do at the time and the fear of having my parents knowing that at the time immeasurable) so that made me think that I was bisexual. A few months past by and I end up liking someone not even knowing the person's gender ( which I later found was gender fluid), I didn’t know what did that meant and continued my life as if nothing had happened and I ended up not talking to my mom about it. A few years pass got multiple crushes here and there with different genders and actually found out that I am pansexual at the end of last year and put a heart with the colors of the flag in my chalkboard. Little did I know that it would only make my day a living hell on the day on the day one of my friends accidentally outed me by text while my mom was snooping on my phone. She freak out, said that people would understand that I was open to anything, even implied that by identifying as pansexual I would be saying that I am also attracted to animals (???), and that she didn’t want me to live a life suffering, told me to end this on the next day, say that I was confused as I was feeling the need to comfort one of my friends and that I misunderstand my feelings. Then she brought the topic to my therapy appointment and the psychiatrist told me that I was not that kind of person, that I was confused and trying to fit in a group or something. ( I ended up doing what my mom suggested, then telling the true story to my closest friends). From then on I secretly started educating myself more and more on the LGBTQ+ community, (when I first saw things about intersex I was baffled, I had so many questions and that only increased my curiosity), later on, I stumbled upon polyamory due to Sense 8 ( Netflix series), read a lot of things online and books where those kinds of relationships where represented and I figured that I actually like polyamory and that I also like monogamous relationships, and I don't know what that means regarding my sexual orientation? I started talking about polyamory with some of my friends as a bill was in the process of making to the senate ( but the bill was taken down as there was a lot of fake news making it seem like it could make a breach in the law for incest) and my BFF told me she didn't like triangles but that she liked a V format, but I don't know anymore as last Friday during a party and under the influence of alcohol she spent an hour and a half making out in a closed triangle ( like they were all making out with each other). And I got really horny but I realized that as all of them were under the influence of alcohol that may not be their will, so I step aside and watched making sure they didn't do anything they would not do sober, but also I am afraid that my relationship with her gets awkward if she remembers that during a truth or dare she kissed me twice.

Hi ILikeWaffles12,

There are a few different things to talk about here, but first I want to touch on your question about what your interest in polyamory means for your sexual orientation. So, those two things actually don't determine or influence one another. Your orientation is about what gender(s) you're attracted too (or realizing that gender just doesn't seem to be a factor for you in terms of who you're attracted to). Being interested in polyamory has more to do with what kinds of relationship structures appeal to you. Does that make sense? If you haven't already looked at it, this article may also help answer your question: Sexuality: WTF Is It, Anyway?

From your description, it sounds like your mom wasn't supportive of your sexual orientation and that she put pressure on your to pretend that you don't feel how you feel. That was an incredibly unkind thing of her to do (it was also a very unkind and inaccurate response on the part of your psychiatrist to dismiss your orientation as "confusion"). You mention your mom found out about your sexual orientation from snooping on your phone. Does she do things like that often?

With your friends, is there a specific part of this you're wanting to talk t them about? You say you're worried they wont accept you completely, does that mean you're afraid they won't be okay with you being curious about polyamory? And have you talked to the friend who kissed you during truth or dare about what happened?

Hi Sam W.,
I don’t know why I connected the fact that gender doesn’t really matter for me regarding attraction and the structures of relationships that I like, but thanks for clarifying.
Yes, my mom does snoop around my phone, books, and notebooks quite frequently. So I have made a habit not to having doodles and romantic song lyrics on my notebooks like I used to, changing my passwords twice in the month, making passwords for my phone notes, searching things mostly on incognito mode and even clearing my history. I don’t post things that could have implicit meanings on my social media because she is either going to make a lot of questions about it even though it could be only a line of music I like that I decided to put as a caption.

The reason why I am reluctant to talk with my friends about polyamory is that, as mentioned before when a bill regarding it was in the senate a lot of people made a huge fuss about it, and even came to the extent of saying it would make a breach in law to incest. I don’t know if they comment anything about it but they probably have and I really don’t wanna go through each one of their social media trying to find something like a freakin stalker. And frankly I’m afraid of seeing something I don’t like as I have seen them telling straight people that they weren’t in the LGBTQ+ community and that therefore they weren’t on their place of speech when people where debating something regarding the LGBTQ+ community ( like how companies are pretending to be supportive when they really only want more sales). Regarding my friend who kissed me twice during truth or dare I am currently avoiding talking about it with her as she is a quite emotional state as she is in a complicated situation with her ex-boyfriend, and I really don’t know if I want to speak with her about it or if she is even going to remember it.

You're welcome!

I'm glad to hear you've figured out how to be careful and secure your things against your moms snooping, even though it sucks that she's put you in a position where you have to do that. Is she pretty controlling in overbearing in other ways too? And is she still making you see that same psychiatrist?

With those fears about expressing your interest in polyamory, there are a few different things you could try. One would be to bring polyamory up as a general topic among your friends (assuming you don't already know how they feel) and see how they react. In my experience, LGBT spaces tend to be slightly more open to idea of people being polyamorous, so friends in those spaces might be more open to it than you're expecting. Of course, that technique carries a risk of them reacting negatively, and you feeling like part of your identity is being attacked. Another option would be to look for spaces that understand polyamory is part of the normal variety that exists in relationships. Do any of those options feel doable to you?

Well, I wouldn’t say she is a control freak but she expresses her opinion regarding anything (like anything at all, my friends, career choices, my taste in music, etc), and when I don’t have the same opinion as her or don’t do what she advises me to do she gets upset and I don’t like to see her sad so sometimes I do things just to make her happy which is normal. But otherwise sometimes I get fed up like I did last year when I returned from an exchange program to the US with three more pieces of clothing than the amount I had when I left ( nothing too revealing at her standers) that she didn’t like the style of them (and almost never lets me wear them), we argued and I came to realize that before I purchased those I have never bought clothes for myself that I made the decision to buy it without her opinion. Nowadays my wardrobe is still 95% clothes that I didn’t choose alone but since then she is letting me make my own decisions ( regarding my clothes at least) but with the condition I let her have a look before I leave to tell me if she thinks it’s inappropriate or too overdressed for something. But I still do a lot of stuff I don’t think it’s necessary to do but she persuades me to do, like putting a corset to sleep ( because she thinks that ever since I stopped having ballet classes I lost my curves). And yes I still see the same psychiatrist, have been for nearly 5 years.
Regarding bringing the polyamory subject to my friends I do not think it’s a good idea to just straightforward go to it ( even though the majority of them are in the LGBTQ +) without showing a perspective were it’s not considered something out of the ordinary, so I am probably going to share a Teen Wolf male pregnancy fan fiction (as previously they got excited to know that a person who has ovotesticular disorder of sex development while also identifying themselves as a man can carry a child) and where secondary characters have a polyamory relationship. And then afterwards sharing a ebooks from Wattpad called Cricket were the main characters have a polyamory relationship, because I don’t know if they already have concepts they heard or even created in their heads before actually knowing it, and if they have probably those books could at least give them a new perspective for them and make them reflect about it and if they didn’t know it previously than I guess I will be just introducing them to it.

Using media to introduce your friends to the concept of polyamory is a good option, since it will give you a sense of their opinions without making you be too vulnerable about something they might react badly to.

So, the behavior you're describing from your mom sounds pretty controlling and manipulative. A non-controlling parent would recognize that you are a unique human, one that's well on the way to being an independent adult, and that means you and she won't always agree. Instead, she takes any difference of opinion as a personal attack, and you find yourself doing things you don't actually want to do so that she won't be upset. That, plus things like completely negating your sexual orientation, sound like they're tough to live with. Can you give me a sense of whether you've ever tried to set boundaries with your mom, even around small things? If so, how has she reacted?

She also seems to be expressing a lot of opinions about your body which, again, is not actually something she gets to have a say in. How do you feel about the way you look?

Is there any way you can switch to a new psychiatrist? Seeing one who flat-out denied your experience of your sexual orientation is not great, because it means they've failed to create a safe space where you can receive care (they're also going against recommended practices for mental healthcare providers when it comes to discussing sexual identity with patients).

Three years ago I declared myself as Agnostic, which is not her religion but she took it quite well and we don’t talk about religion since then, but the way she reacted to that probably had a lot of influence on the fact that my grandmother changed her religion quite a few times over her life. Some time ago, I was thinking about going vegetarian and she went absolutely ballistic saying that I was going against my roots (as the state I live been since I was born is known for eating a lot of meat) and that I was betraying family ( as we are farmers and sell meat and rice for companies for a living).
Regarding my physical appearance, I guess I am not entirely comfortable with it, I don't the size of one of my ears, and the scars acne left on my body.
And about the psychiatrist, she is actually doing things by the law. There was a case last year were a minor complaint to the government that his parents were making him have therapy to cure his sexual orientation and the court said that as it is something that is intrinsically related to the religion and expression of their mindset that the country could not interfere in as they would be breaking their rights. Also I don’t know if I would be able to go to the whole process of telling all my life to a new person because I know that they probably going to ask about the bullying, the sexual assault, murder attempts I suffered and the times I tried to suicide, because I don’t know if would be comfortable enough to speak about those situations again.

That is a lot of trauma to experience in a relatively short amount of time (and I'm so sorry you've dealt with all of that) so it's completely understandable that you don't want to go through that history with another person. Is your psychiatrist generally supportive of you around those other topics, especially the sexual assault?

When you and your mom disagree on something, or you try to set a boundary, how do you each react in the moment? Is there a lot of you both arguing or yelling? Or is it more that she reacts strongly and you kind of have to stand there and listen to it? For instance, if you asked her to stop snooping on your phone, what do you think would happen?

(as an aside, just because conversion therapy is or anti-lgbt practices are legal doesn't mean they're ethical. Too, they actually go against the principles that you're supposed to treat clients by as a counselor or psychiatrist. So while your psychiatrist has legal cover for her response to you, it still was not good behavior).

The psychiatrist is kind of working in different aspects of this each situation, like asking if I am having problems with someone at school if I saw the person who sexually assaulted me, or if the people who tried to kill me are stalking me on social media. She knows I am paranoid because of all the things that happened to me so I guess her method is to make me overview things and realize that everything is fine now that I don't need to have my guard really high, but that I still need to be aware of the things that are happening around me and strange behaviors. And yes, I know that by saying that I was confused about my sexual orientation is an ethical problem as I have been consistently learning about ethic in my philosophy class but the fact that she is helping me get over of all the things in my life makes me just wanna turn a blind eye to that.

I have tried to ask my mom for more privacy, like give me space I am freaking teen! I tried to argue that I need to have control over my phone because it's basically where most of my social interactions occur, where I research things I am curious about, see films and series and talk with my friends, and that in a way by looking at my phone she would be invading not only my privacy but theirs because they were talking to me, not to her and there might be things there she wasn't supposed to see, that they only wanted to share with me. And then she started yelling at me asking me if I was hiding something from her and them proceeded to preach on how dangerous the internet is, that you might not know who the other person you are talking to is and all of that crap. So I end up giving up the fight, she still looks at my phone but as I have asked for more privacy now I can lock my room!

That detail is all really helpful, thank you. Are you finding that work you're doing with psychiatrist helpful? And do you have any interest in connecting to resources specifically designed for sexual assault survivors?

With your moms' behavior, what would we be a helpful direction for us to take that conversation? For instance, we could talk about ways to see if you can set or hold more boundaries with her, or how to secure more independence and privacy for yourself in other ways, or something else entirely (we can also drop that thread of conversation if you feel like you've gotten what you need for now).

Hi Sam, sorry I took a while to respond, a lot of things had happened between the last time we talked for instance: I went to a party and had to stop two people from trying to suicide in the swimming pool while drunk, my finals started, the National High School Exam is just behind the corner ( I did not graduate yet but some US colleges need at least 3 national exams from international students to review) and got chosen by my American High School teacher to be the spokesperson in the graduation ceremony ( if I didn’t make it clear I finished my American High School but not my National one) and I am really nervous and excited about it.
I don’t actually know if the work my psychiatrist is helpful as a couple of weeks ago when I saw Joker I got a panic attack afterward (I think the maniac laughing + blood and gunshots trigger my PTSD but I do not know for sure). And I also don’t know if I wanna connect to resources specifically designed for sexual assault survivors but maybe it would help me be more comfortable with people physically touching me as even in affectionate touching like hugs and kisses I tend to shiver or even get suddenly tense.
And regarding my mom I think I am fine with having my room privacy ( I still have to leave my door open when I invite someone but I am ok with that), I just wish she would stop trying to influence me into some career choice, like I know she is not actually pressuring me to choose to be doctor or a scientist researcher but I am getting tired of hearing she joking around saying “see you don’t have a problem with corpses” “sweetheart look at you! You are eating even though you saw a lot of diseases in your biology class” or even comparing me to my cousins like “ look at the things you have accomplished, you are not like them. When they were your age they haven’t done any of those”. I literally said to her that I wouldn’t be able to have a career where a lot of social interaction is needed because I have no social skills, I spent several years in school isolating myself in the library reading books that weren’t even for my age, I learned a lot of things that the school weren’t teaching through then and it actually helped a lot now that I am in high school. But turns out I can not say in a conversation where someone affirmed that water is life that “ all life on earth is carbon-based but there are theories that say nitrogen-based lives can be possible”, like it makes sense to me to include that on the conversation but people just look at me with a WTF face or just make a face that they didn’t want to know that or that it isn’t a relevant input on the conversation, not only with strangers but with my friends too ( though I am not sure if can call them friends cause sometimes I can pass a whole week without talking to them even though they are in the same class and sometimes I feel like they are just using me to get better grades or something, and when they invite me to parties I feel like they only invite me because they know that their parents trust me as I don’t drink and I always end up babysitting drunk people).
But don’t just straightforward conclude that I am somewhere in the autistic spectrum because of all the common autistic behavior I have told you as I know that when I was a child a doctor got really puzzled with my behavior ( as I still would be forward in knowledge comparing to other children with my age at the time even though I was constantly in hospital because of asthma attacks or pneumonia) did an autism test with me and after it came negative he asked for a test for savantism but my parents got pissed with all of those tests, told him to go to hell, changed doctors and I have never done the test. But I still am more advanced in some aspects comparing to my classmates, to put it clearly, this year I did a scientific school project and I lost points because apparently “a layman wouldn’t understand it” like WTF, I am a layman, I just researched the subject for three months. I know I can learn languages easily, that I can memorize small details but sometimes not the whole picture, my recent memory is shitty but I can say in details a memory I have from when I was four ( 12 years ago), I literally memorized the freaking periodic table in Latin while I was five out of boredom.

Hi ILikeWaffles,

Okay! You could start by looking into the resources listed here: https://headington-institute.org/files/ ... _45553.pdf. Too if you ever want to ask for support around the assault and your healing process, that's something we can talk about here as well.

With your mom, when you told her to stop making those comment about your eventual profession, how did she react? Has she stopped?

It sounds like you're feeling as though the way you interact in social situations is almost making you more alone than if you didn't interact in the first place (I didn't assume you were autistic, since plenty of autistic people don't struggle in social situations and plenty allistic people do). With your friends, do you generally feel pretty supported and happy when you interact with them? Or do they behave the way they do at those parties the rest of the time too?

Thanks, Sam. I will look at it, see if it helps and if it doesn't then I might go back to the message board.

I just wanted to make sure you understand that I am not autistic, is just that when I talk about those things and the fact that I fidget a lot makes people think that am autistic so I just wanted to make that clear, I wasn't implying that you would assume that I am autistic. And yeah I pretty much think that way I interact in social situations is almost making me more alone than if I didn't interact in the first place. When I make those comments they just either ignore it or either they would just say that it doesn’t relate to the topic we where talking and then I have to make a whole explanation on why it relates to the topic because they don’t normally understand what I am talking about or they don’t understand my logic.

When I pointed it out for her she just said that it’s just a thought as I don’t feel disgusted by corpses and stuff, that I would be ok being a doctor that I have potential, then I argued that it would be the best option for me as my social skills are not my best ability (as stated before) and then she argued that could do research ( as I am really curious and almost always try to solve things) but it doesn't seem to be that appealing to me as I get frustrated really easily and I know that researchers have a lot of those (but at the same time it would be good to get out of my comfort zone for once).

Would it be helpful to talk about ways to find or maintain friendships or other social connections that didn't leave you feeling more alone or super-drained of energy all the time?

Do you have a sense of what kind of career, or field, you want to pursue? I ask because having another goal you can point to might encourage your mom to drop the subject.