Scarleteen

So... I've had this dilemma for a long time. I've identified as bisexual for years, but after I came out my attractions to men diminished, so much so that within the past year I had begun wondering if I were a lesbian (if perhaps a gray-area lesbian). I just didn't have any crushes on guys really, even though I did when I was younger and didn't completely acknowledge my sexuality. And you know what? It's strange, but the fact that my attractions towards men largely went away was great. I love loving women, and it seems to be far more awesome and fulfilling than any attraction I've had towards men. But, in the past couple of months I've been stressed out over a couple of things that make me question myself again.

Firstly, my longest-standing sexual fantasy has been about penis-in-vagina intercourse. I even had these as a fairly young kid, once I first learned about sex. And the thought of it gets me off pretty easily, even though I usually only think about it in the realms of masturbation. When I think about it, it feels more "deep" and powerful than if I masturbate to the thought of women (or, at least people without penises). And, I have been turned on by men in the past, pretty much just because I knew most of them had penises. I suppose it's the thought of the erection and the thrusting and the ejaculation, for whatever reason, that gets me off. BUT, I haven't really been that much attracted to men in the past several years, and only really got crushes/fell in love with women. And women do indeed turn me on, even though I'm still surprised at it. But, I dunno... I guess the thought of having sex with one is still strange to me? Like I don't know if I will be sexually satisfied by one (I know in terms of the romantic front I would be), and that I'll somehow NEED to be sexual with a man at some point in time to "really" know if I'd like it or not even though I know that's a silly notion. The next dilemma is that even though I have hardly held any interest in men the past several years, in the past couple of months I've been noticing more good-looking guys, more than I've ever done in my life! I don't necessarily want to do anything with them--it's just that I think they're hot. The thing is, is that I don't WANT to be attracted to men or notice if they're good-looking because I just want to have relationships with women and not men. Yet, I still worry that this all means that this attraction, or whatever it is, will get to me and I'll have to experiment and then I'll find out that I really DO need a man sexually (or, well, at least a penis). But, I don't really want that... I just want to be with women. I have a girlfriend now, and she turns me on, but we haven't had sex yet and I worry a lot about where I am on the spectrum of sexual orientation because, like I said, I want to find sex with women to be fulfilling. I'd rather be gay. Isn't that strange?

When my girlfriend and I become sexual, I'm afraid that I'll end up not liking sex with women and that I'll go back to thinking about penises in order to get off (my girlfriend doesn't have a penis). Even though I WANT to like it. And yes, I know I may be putting the cart before the horse a bit, because I've never had sex with a man, and the only time I was sexual with a woman was through a webcam and even though I wanted something sexual I was terrified and I had to think of penile intercourse to get off. Which disturbed me, because I did indeed want her sexually and she turned me on quite a bit. This is all compounded by the fact that I have OCD, and doubts about sexual orientation and relationships are common in individuals with OCD. I get thoughts such as that I'm straight, and I'm meant to be with a man, so being with women is only temporary. I also get thoughts about how I'm not attracted to my partner or that I don't love her enough (and I had those thoughts with my last girlfriend too).These thoughts kill me, but I know they have nothing to do with my *actual* sexual orientation. The thing is that my sexual orientation seems to be fuzzy enough where it can feed into the OCD fairly easily. It stems from not knowing if I'm still sexually attracted to men or not (and I'm not sure if I really am, since the only times I've truly had any sexual thoughts about men outside of masturbation is a few times when I was drunk), or if I'm sexually attracted ENOUGH to women. I don't really want to kiss men or hold hands with them or anything like that, just something about penises means something primal and deep. Or perhaps something about power and being desired. But it doesn't match my desires. Perhaps I'm bisexual in denial, or a fluid lesbian, or even pansexual. I know labels are for soup cans, but I truly want to know so I won't suffer any longer and just go on and be happy with my girlfriend and women.

So.... any advice for the confused person?

I have to say that all of this is so abstract, that I really think this is one of those things where you just need to leave mental room for you to like what and who you like so far, and then find out what you enjoy once you are sexually active.

No matter what, you are going to enjoy what you do, fantasize about what you do, and be attracted to whom you are attracted. I get having preferences around all of that, but it sounds to me like you would benefit a lot by just being less attached to those, and seeing what you can't do to just relax about all of this and get that we just can't know much about what-ifs, if anything. All we can do is be who we are and have the life experiences we choose to, and find out how we feel about them once we are having them. You can't know your future, and neither can anyone else.

Do remember, too, that no one can know their lifelong orientation for sure, ever. All we can do is know who we are based on our past and present, and observing our feelings and wants as they have been so far. Whoever you turn out to be in this regard, and whoever you are now, there isn't a right or wrong, after all. No matter who that is now or later, it's okay. Same goes with what it turns out you do and do not want and enjoy when it comes to sex.