meeting my online friend

[tomatopotato]

Dear Scarleteen-team,

very recently I have met my long time online friend for the first time. We did not call before ever, just send a couple of voice messages a long time ago, and I did not exactly knew how he looked like, so the meet up was quite a surprise that left me with mixed feelings. While I felt uncomfortable in the beginning since he is really calm and quite withdrawn and talks really slow, I wish we could have talked longer in person in the end. Nevertheless it somehow felt like he wished to be somewhere else when we where standing in a crowd twice and did not talk and that made me really uncomfortable, aswell that he had almost no eye contact with me. I do not know if he does not like me, and is just polite, even though he texted me back afterwards that he had a nice day and even asked if I arrived home safely. Maybe it was his depression shining though, maybe he was bored, maybe he was disappointed - I do not know and maybe I should ask him, but I do not know what exactly I should ask and I am slightly embaressed to show my concerns, since I do not want to seem clingy- it just hurts pretty much that someone who i have already shared a big part of my life might not like me (anymore). And I might have messed up, too, cause I was stressed over my train back home and literally was uncomfortable in the beginning because I have imagined him slightly different.
Now I just wishing to rewrite our meeting, and to figure out why and what I am exactly feeling and how to solve the situation.

[Sam W]

Hi tomatopotato,

One of the tricky things about meeting someone in person who you've only ever had online interactions with is that sometimes the dynamic between you is very different once you're face to face (sometimes that's because people who have an easy time communicating online than they do in-person). I think, as a starting point, it might help to dig into how you're feeling about the whole thing. Do you want to continue being friends, but maybe keep that friendship purely online? Too, when you say he was different than you expected, were the things that were different big ones, like his personality or how he treated you?

[tomatopotato]

I do want to continue being friends, and I would consider meeting him again in person since I actually liked talking to him, but if this simply does not work out I am perfectly fine to keep things online only.
No, there where no major different things. I knew that he is pretty introverted, and he was not hurtful or mean - I think he just is slightly withdrawn and maybe he felt uncomfortable, but it had nothing/not as much as I think to do with me?
In genereal meeting him was fine, I really enjoyed it in the end, but those short two moments simply left me wondering. I think if we get used to each others talking style and pace our friendship can work offline. We have common interests, a general same understanding of ethics and share the same humour.

I do not really know why I am feeling this way, I really do not know. I´m just feeling like I had a major developement in the last 8 months which might have seperated me from the need to have an online friendship, and at the same time I do not see any reason to quit the friendship because I feel close to him and my real-life friend group is crumbling apart. I do not want to make quick decisions.

Maybe it´s just the dissonance between my expectation and reality, but I think another big part is his depression. He does tell me how he feels, but we have not talked recently about it in detail, because he does not know what exactly he should talk about. Aswell he tends to be reserved from time to time, and that hurts slightly. But I think that has more to do with me than him. Nevertheless he said, that he is already quite open to me and that we´re friends.

This is just some big rambly mess, but I do not know myself what actually is going on. I guess, it´s more me being insecure than anything else.

[Sam W]

It's okay if your thoughts and feelings are a bit of a jumble right now. It seems like meeting him in person brought up some feelings for you that weren't totally expected, and that can often make you feel off-kilter. It sounds like the fact that meeting people face to face for the first time can be awkward may have played a role here, and it's ultimately up to you two whether you want to meet in person again. Have you two talked since you met? If so, have those conversations felt pretty normal?

It also sounds like there are some other friend-related things going on in your life that may be adding to the emotions you're feeling here. You mention your friend group is crumbling. Is that the major development you were referring to, or is that development something else entirely?

[tomatopotato]

We have been texting quite normaly so far. I´ve texted him maybe an hour after we went home to tell him that it was cool getting to know him in person, and he responded quickly and checked in later with me if I came home safely, and then I have texted him one day later and now we´re in the middle of our usual texting schedule. So everything is fine but somehow I have expected that he would not text me back.

The major developement I have referred to mainly is that I broke out of my introvert shell and I know where I want to go and how I want to be - I am way more confident and full of adventurelust that I used to be, and I have realized I need strong real life friendships to be happy. Since me friendship group is crumbling and I only feel really close to my best friend, this sucks, since I wished him to be slightly more relaxed to be a perfect fit. It´s fine if he is not since it does not make him less worthy. Nevertheless I would like to have more close friends in real life which share my interests etc. That´s the side problem in my mind. I know how to make new friends, but I have not had a real opportunity yet.

[Sam W]

It sounds like, then, that your friendship hasn't really taken a hit from that bit of awkwardness that came with the first meeting, which is a really positive sign!

I also think you may have just answered your own question about where some of those weird feelings were coming from! If you're finding your in-person friend group shifting or disappearing, it makes sense that you might have (maybe without meaning to) put a lot of hope into your online friend fitting perfectly into your offline life without any awkwardness and felt a little off when that didn't happen. So, it seems like a next step would be to keep nurturing that friendship with him while also exploring ways to build a new group of in-person friends (that's something we can help brainstorm ways to do, if that would be helpful).

[tomatopotato]

Oh gosh, thanks, I would not have noticed that! But I think you're right, I've expected it to go smooth.
Nevertheless I think another factor is that I am somehow afraid that he is interested sexually in me - 'cause he expressed this certain kind of interest in me in the far aways past, which never led to anything however. It was never a topic again since I forgot about it, and it never was brought it up again. I've had a quite troubling past concerning sexuality, but he knows about it and takes it seriously. Nevertheless there is this irrational fear that he does not value me as much due to my gender or wants to exploit me.

I've joined two political groups in which I found people I like, nevertheless it still needs a bit of time until I would spend time with them privatly. Next to the groups I'm planning talking to random strangers in public which seem nice, or going to public events.

[Mo]

Have you and your friend ever addressed or talked about his potential attraction or sexual interest since you first had that feeling? Does he do things that feel like he might be hinting at still having that interest? You say he hasn't brought it up directly but I wonder if there are any things he says or does that make you feel like he's still thinking about it.
If you ever do get that feeling, and you'd like to make sure he knows that isn't something you are interested in, saying something directly about it may help; you could tell him something like "sometimes I get the feeling, from your comments, that you're interested in a sexual or romantic component to our relationship. I care about you a lot and value our friendship, but I want to be clear that I'm not interested in moving to a non-platonic relationship" or whatever feels accurate to you. It could be that speaking about this directly will eliminate some of the anxiety you have around the dynamic between you.

It sounds like you're taking steps to meet new people, which is great. It often takes time to make that jump from casual, friendly acquaintances to true friends, but you're on the way there! I hope you can find some great people through these groups and events.

[tomatopotato]

I think I've decided to stop the friendship with him. I'm still a little unsure, but I know that my feeling of "I simply don't want to continue this" is valid. It doesn't make sense to me to go on with this friendship when I'm actually glad that we don't live in the same neighborhood so I don't have to see him. Such thinking does not indicate something healthy to me. Additionally I feel like we don't have the same pace and goals in life. I want to be more outgoing while he is the most introverted person I've ever met and I just don't feel like I can be myself.
I haven't talked about the sexual-stuff with him, since I didn't want to. Normally I'm not shy to talk about emotions and sex but not with him. I could if I kick myself in the butt, but I wouldn't be as comfortable as with other people.
Is it okay if I simply cut off the friendship by giving him an final explanation why I choose to do so? If I only had those troubles with him being attracted to me in the past I wouldn't do so - but other things are not fitting aswell. However, I don't know how I should tell him. I'd prefer text messages but calling might be suited better since we've been in contact for so long and breakups over text have such a bad reputation.

additionally I've broke up with another friend from school. Over textmessage, and got an angry response for that. But I've been so annoyed of her that I didn't want to spend any time with her in the last couple months. She's pretty angry at me and quite sad since I didn't say a word before. Anyway it's the right step I took. I can't stand her anymore and honestly her reaction does not bother me more that I can understand where her feelings come from (and maybe feel a little ashamed since I feel like I'm so in-your-face-girl with my decision even though I've worded it carefully.) However I've learned that I'm not talking about stuff that bothers me and "erupt" when I can't keep it in anymore. That's no problem with people with whom I'm communicating openly but with her and if I'm embarrassed by certain feelings.

[Jacob]

Hi tomatopotato,

I just want to congratulate you for listening to your gut and being true to what you want!

If your are feeling unsure about calling vs texting, in your situation I would err towards calling. Tone of voice can sometimes allow you to communicate some positive emotions towards each-other. I often write down a bullet list of what I want to say for difficult phone-calls so I can make sure I've said what I wanted to say. I think need to give myself a bit of a pinch and a deep breath before making the call itself. I've mostly always been glad of that decision.

Things like "thank you for talking to me about it, I'm sorry it ended up this way" just feel a lot more genuine.

That said, it is absolutely your choice. Texting is also totally acceptable and can be pretty efficient that's for sure!