Can I enjoy sex if I Masturbate wrong

[Firefly]

Hi,

So first of all due to some Trauma as a teen I have a weird fear of my area down below. Recently I've discovered masturbation, and that some things I've been doing because they feel nice (squeezing legs together) can be considered stimulating. Last month I also realised it feels really good to put a pillow between my legs and kind of grind a bit while facing down. I actually had my first orgasm and it was such a big deal to me as I've never thought that I could enjoy sex or that my vagina was anything other than a massive self destruct button.
All these feel good and I've started to actually like my body, and realise that I might actually enjoy sex! Whereas before, because of the Trauma I've always viewed sex as a threat to myself, as if men wanting to have sex with me is their desire to hurt me. (I've actually never had a man want to even hold my hand, but it's probably because of the Trauma and me not realising relationships can feel good, until now)
I thought I was making a lot of progress with loving myself and finding ways to enjoy my body but then my friend suggested I get a vibrator. I used it and I felt absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. I wasn't overthinking anything, I was just letting it do it's thing (I wasn't putting anything IN my vagina, because I still have a fear of that, and I was wearing underpants because I still don't like touching it without anything in between my fingers and the area (e.g toilet roll, pants etc)
Anyway, I felt NOTHING and I started to google and it seemed to imply that when I felt good 'masturbating' before I was stimulating the internal parts of me. Which I don't understand because I wasn't putting anything close to going inside me.
I am now very concerned that the way I have been learning to love my body is wrong, and that I have fallen into a position where I can make myself feel good but only on my own. I was feeling so positive about sex but now I feel as though I wouldn't enjoy it at all, if a vibrator or rubbing my clit without a pillow makes me feel absolutely nothing, how am I supposed to enjoy sex? Can I still enjoy sex? Should I change how I masturbate? Is there something wrong with my clit that makes me feel nothing? Am I missing nerves in my labia? Have years of hating my area down below and refusing to touch it due to Trauma made it shut off?

I have lots of questions and I'm so sorry if this is wayyy Too Much Information

[Siân]

There is no "right" way to masturbate! It's great that you've started to find ways of masturbating and exploring your body that feel good for you - and the grinding on a pillow technique is actually pretty common.

We've started talking in your other thread a bit about trauma, so I'll not repeat myself here too much but starting to centre what feels good about your body, and the ways that relationships can - and should! - feel good is a great step.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the ways you've been learning to love your body, and you can absolutely enjoy sex following some of those same routes. Sex is about way more than intercourse, and things like outercourse and grinding can give you similar sensations to your pillow and be a part of a fulfilling sex life.

When your searches talked about internal stimulation, probably they're talking about the internal structure of the clitoris, which is much bigger than just the little nub most people think of and extends under much of the vulva - check out the second diagram in this article if you're interested: Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More. Had you heard about the internal structure of the clitoris before?

It may be that when using your vibrator you just weren't turned on enough yet for it to feel like much of anything, or that it's just not a sensation that works for you - we're all different. If you wanted, you could experiment with using it as an added extra in with the things you already know work for you, but it really doesn't matter either way. Does that help?

We love your questions, so keep them coming

[Firefly]

Hi,

Thank you this is really reassuring and makes me feel normal about what I've been doing

I haven't had anything close to a boyfriend and even if i had I know that I'm not ready for that kind of relationship so it seems strange to be worrying about that now. But I just want to know I'll enjoy sex, because I want to enjoy the thing I used to be so afraid of.

My computer crashed half way through typing this so I lost my original message, so I might have to send another one but I have a few things to add.

I didn't actually know about the internal part of the clitoris, and that diagram is very helpful. I was wondering if this is stimulated at all in penetrative sex, or does it just sit there?

I also wanted to know if there is anything damaging that could happen if you masturbate lying face down? I feel like it's not the /normal/ way to do it and I'm worried I hurt myself

Thank you for your advice, I think I'll try doing it the way I normally do it and then add the vibrator in to see if I feel anything then

Thanks again,

This is super reassuring

[Sam W]

Hi Firefly,

Hooray, I'm glad the diagram helped you out! With the internal part of the clitoris, the current research suggests that it can be stimulated during vaginal sex (or any time something is inserted into the vagina as part of sex). The reason for this is that the "G-Spot"/Urethral sponge on the inside of the vagina is very likely part of the internal clitoris, which is why stimulation of that spot feels really good for some people. You can read about that in more detail here (in fact, big chunks of this article might be helpful to you right now): With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body.

As for those worries about masturbating while laying face down, there's no research or anything to suggest that it's damaging or harmful. Really, it's just one of many ways that people masturbate, although you're right that it's not nearly as commonly portrayed as other ways of masturbating are. My hunch is that has more to do with many of those portrayals being visual, and therefore wanting to show people's faces while they masturbate, than it does with how common any given way of masturbating actually is for people.

[Firefly]

I'm sorry, I tried to reply to this when you posted but it crashed somehow and I was too tired to write a full reply out again

This is really reassuring to hear! As I've always felt very disconnected from my body, I'm always worried I'm going to hurt it.

Thanks,

[Mo]

In general, when we're talking about masturbation I think it's safe to say that if you aren't feeling pain it's extremely unlikely that what you're doing will cause yourself any harm. Even if something does hurt during masturbation, that's just a sign that you should try something else or take a break for a short while, not an indication that you've done yourself lasting harm. Masturbation just isn't a dangerous activity, and in fact if you tend to feel disconnected from your body, taking time to masturbate or do other things that feel explicitly pleasurable can be a great way to build some of that connection back.