Someone was outed to me as trans(?), I dunno what to do

[Lil slub]

I'm sorry if this isn't the right board for this, I dont know if this gender problem or a relationship problem.
So, there's this kid I go to school with, I think we're friends (I'll call them Al) but I've never been good at telling that kind of thing. Anyway, my point is we talk but we're not close.
I was talking with Al's brother, and he just kinda dropped into the conversation that Al has gender dysphoria. He said he wouldn't use Al' preferred pronouns in private since it's too much work to switch from one set to another( I assume that Al's parent is not accepting at all). So, Al didn't tell me themself, so this wasn't information I was supposed to have. He also told this to the other friend who was with me.

So, I know Al would rather go by a different name,( they do let this be kown to people at school ro some extent, but I dont know about their parents)
A different set of pronouns, and that they have gender dysphoria. I really do not know what to do with this information.

I dont dont know if I myself am cis, from my limited personal experience I know that struggling with gender is very personal, and the thought of other people, just, finding out is terrifying.

Should I let them know that their brother is just giving this information away? Should I reach out to them, ask them how they want me to treat their gender even if that may freak them out a lot?
I really dunno what to do.

[Heather]

Hey there, Lil Slub. Welcome to the boards. This area is just fine for this, and I think it's great you're asking these questions.

It really stinks that Al's brother is outing them like this. Your empathy with this is spot-on: unless someone is very clear with people that they're trans and that they WANT everyone and anyone to know (which is the case for some people, but not very many, and certainly not very many very young people), it's just not okay to do that.

Personally, in this situation, if this was a friend of mine -- however close or not -- I probably would tell them that their brother outed them to me. I'd tell them because I'd figure that they'd want to know that, especially if they don't want to be outed, so they can address it and, ideally, get their brother to stop outing them. I recognize these kinds of conversations can feel uncomfortable and awkward, but I feel like a conversation like this with someone who's sensitive about all of this, as you clearly are, sure beats being outed by someone and not even knowing it's happening. You might also want to ask them if there's anything they want (or don't want) you to say to their brother.

After I talked about that, I would also pair it with a conversation that went something like, "I'm sorry that I know something about you you didn't choose to tell me yourself. But now that I do know, how would you like me to address your gender: what pronouns would *you* like me to use for you, and is there anything you want me to do privately between us but do differently in front of others? I want to respect and support you in this." Those are my words, not yours, but I'd say something that touches on those points is the way to go.

How does all of that sound to you?

[Lil slub]

Hey, I'm sorry I haven't replied, I've been procrastinating on dealing with this because I really don't want to be involved.
I am kinda at a loss as for how to tell this person. I am never in a non-public place with them. I really want to let them know in a way the is the least uncomfortable for them as I can make it. And I mean, for me too, but that's less important. My thought was that I could tell them over text, but I don't have their number, and we aren't friends I think, so getting their number just to tell them that I know some deeply personal information about them seems...idk.
That might be my only option, though. That, or I could text them on someone else's phone, the other friend that was with me during the initial conversation is my only option in that respect.

I guess I could just talk to Al's brother, and tell him not to do that kinda stuff. But that likely wouldn't change anything, he wasn't doing it maliciously or whatever, he just has no filter I guess

Yeah.

[Heather]

Well, in a public setting, you could always ask them if you can talk with them privately. How do you feel about that?

Do you want to talk about why you're feeling so uncomfortable with this? You know, I don't think you are obligated to tell this person their brother told you, just to be clear. I think if you want to be a friend to this person, either telling them he is telling people, or, alternately, telling the brother it's not okay for him to out his sibling could both be supportive moves. But if you just don't feel able to do those things, or you don't feel close enough to this person, so getting more involved feels like violating their privacy instead of helping, I think it's okay not to get more involved.

If you do want to tell the brother, I'd say the idea it won't help is probably incorrect. There's really no such thing as most people having "no filter" in a way people often say. Chances are he filters what he shares about himself with others, and wouldn't share big things with people that violated his own privacy, you know? Unless he has a compulsivity issue or disorder (like Tourette's, for example), he likely has the ability to choose what he shares.

But he also may either not know how violating and unsafe it can be to share what he has OR no one may have called him out, so he may be doing it just because he can. Not maliciously, perhaps, but it also may not be with kindness, either. It's not kind and caring to invade people's privacy after all, you know? I'd say telling him it isn't okay could probably only help your friend. If he gets called out, he at least probably won't feel as enabled to keep doing it.