Scarleteen

I am a non-binary person who uses they/them pronouns, and I want my mom to use them, its as simple as that.
To expand; when I first came out to my mom as enby, when I brought up pronouns (I was thinking at the time mixed, both she/her and they/them) she said "Don't talk about that it's confusing!". A few months later I was attending an lgbt coffee night and she asked me what pronouns I told people to use and I told her 'they/them', she asked if she could use feminine pronouns for me and I said yes, which looking back on I highly regret.
A month or so later I tried to get her to use my pronouns, she used a bunch of excuses and ended up crying and I assured her despite my gender identity and pronouns I'm still a daughter and a sister and asked her to at least try, which she said she would... but hasn't.
Then a few weeks ago I sent her a picture about using they/them pronouns and she said "I know you use they/them pronouns" so she knows! Its very hurtful and upsetting for me that she does know but doesn't respect my wishes. It took a lot of confidence to talk to her the first time about using my pronouns and I'm having trouble building up the confidence to ask her again. I have resolved to be persistent and honest with her about it... but it's easier said than done.

Hi TiredEnby,

It's completely understandable that this has you feeling hurt and probably more than a little frustrated. It sounds like you're doing your best to be patient and compassionate with her, and I commend you for that. Since she's made it clear that she knows your pronouns, but for various reasons won't use them, I think there are a few different ways you could approach this situation. To start off with, are there any adults (particularly other family members) in your life who are supportive and readily made the switch to your correct pronouns?

You mention in one of your last conversations she gave you excuses for why she couldn't use your pronouns. Can you remember what those excuses were? That might give us a sense of which angles to come at his from.

Too, do you have any sense of whether she's read about or connected to resources that are for parents of non-binary youth? Sometimes, parents who pull this kind of nonsense are doing so mainly from a place of fear or isolation. That doesn't excuse the behavior, but it may give us a way to channel her feelings about this away from you, so you're not stuck comforting her.

Just pitching in to add that I also hope you're giving yourself credit due for even trying. It really is a big deal to try, especially since it so often goes this way, particularly with nonbinary and other gender identities that aren't just on the he/she axis.

Honestly, I've felt this way my whole life, I have identified this way publicly for some time now, I came out as queer (well, bisexual at the time since we didn't have queer as an available ID back when) to my family in my teens, a lot of this is part of my job, but aside of the occasional quiet, pretty passive reminder about my pronouns and identities, I gave up from the font when it came to getting my family to identify me properly. And I'm almost 50. So, my hat's off to you for having the strength and audacity to hold your lines here: I know how hard it can be. <3