In a state of panic and anxiety...

[thatisacactus]

I’m in a really horrible situation...

This is really complicated and long so I will try to shorten it as much as possible.

I’m in my late twenties and I work for my family in one of their businesses. I also live in a house that I rent from them. So they are my parents, bosses and landlords. I started working for them a few years ago after my old living situation wasn’t working out so they offered me the job and a house. I was cautious to accept as they’ve been verbally (occasionally physically) abusive throughout the years and very toxic to my mental health with how they treated me. Plus the job is isolated and in the country so I would be stuck there as I do not have my license (I still don’t have my license yet either.) But I didn’t have any other options so I accepted. Things have been very up and down since I started working for them. I love my job and my parents too...but I don’t feel it in return.

Over the last few years, there’s been so many fights with them. My mother is very aggressive and gets very angry and so does my father. They have screamed at me, called me names (mainly my mother who did that, told me I’m fucked up because of my mental health issues etc, said the most awful things. Thankfully I now can get my groceries ordered online but they used to threaten to not get my shopping when we would fight. At one point, I only got groceries twice from the supermarket in four months and did not go to town or leave the property for months. I’m pretty sure my mother is bipolar as she has such angry aggressive outbursts and I’m scared of my father as he gets very angry and has in the past gotten physical. (Ex, slammed my older sister up against glass door when we were teenagers)

When I was a teenager, I didn’t have anybody to help me with things when it was really rough with them and my mental health and now it’s the exactly same. I don’t have any friends and even if I did have, I don’t think I could confide in them because I am so so ashamed of my situation. I have two pets that are my whole world and they are what’s keeping me going right now.

I have no options and I’m so scared. I normally shut my mouth and keep quiet so I don’t add to the situation but things got bad yesterday. Mum started screaming at me saying all the things I do wrong with my job and wouldn’t let me go home for lunch break even though I had been working for almost five hours. I told her to get out of my space as she was being very aggressive yelling. Dad then turned up and they both started yelling at me which was very distressing for me because being yelled at isn’t nice at all. I admit I called my mother a bitch a few times because I was so angry they were in my face being aggressive and I couldn’t leave. Mum was smirking saying I’m still that scared little teenager I used to be. I can’t remember what they said after but I had had enough and made some comment...this resulted in Dad shoving me hard out the door and telling me to go pack my bags and get out of my house.

I went home, locked the doors and was fucking terrified because I know how scary my father gets. My shoulder is still sore from him shoving me. I turn up to work this morning absolutely out of my wits scared, and he says we are going to have a little talk. He then starts yelling right in my face like yesterday and pointing his finger. I took a step back because I was so taken back. I keep my mouth shut and work because I don’t want to cause more shit. He says he’s not going to be nice to me anymore.

But then the morning gets worse, he gives me jobs he knows I hate and I know he’s making work personal now. He says two people called yesterday and if I don’t want my job, somebody else would happily take it. I’ve had enough, I am so burnt out by this point so I say I don’t want the job. He tells me to go home and get rid of my pets and pack my bags. So I go home, lock my doors in case he comes in yelling...and now I’m here.

I’m in a state of panic right now. I have no options and this is why I’ve stayed here for so long. If I quit working, I have no job and house. I have no support system and no license and nowhere to go. I also have no money and have debt. I am so fucking stuck and it’s awful. I feel like I’m that terrified teenager who was screamed at and told she was breaking up the family all because I suffer from depression. My mother is very unstable and so is my father. There’s no denying they are toxic however I always worry they can turn it around and make me look crazy because I suffer from mental illness. I really just need some advice and kind words right now. I am so trapped and it is awful. My pets are what is keeping me going but I’m just so scared of the future. Like, do I go to work tomorrow? What do I do? I don’t know

Update: somehow Dad got into my house a few minutes ago as I was in the bathroom (so I locked the door) and started yelling at me to get back to work. I said no, and he said I had better get out of the house then and take my stupid cats.

[Heather]

Hey there, thatisacactus. Just so you don't feel confused, I had to edit your post to just put some paragraph breaks in so I'd be able to read it: it's very difficult (especially for those of us with vision or neuro issues) to read through text without breaks like you submitted, so moving forward, it'd be helpful if you could remember to insert some, please. Thanks!

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation now, and that, from the sounds of things, you've always had a family where you haven't felt safe or loved. I'm sorry that you and your sibling have suffered verbal, physical and emotional abuse. None of this is okay. Once we get you out of immediate crisis, if you'd like to spend more time talking with us for more extended support, we're glad to do that with you. But let's see if we can get you out of danger first, okay?

This is obviously a crisis situation. What I'd suggest is that you call a local organization for people in domestic violence who need immediate help and support. In the event that you don't think of what you're living in as DV, so don't think it's okay for you to use those services, please recognize that if those services feel they can't help you or that you aren't the right recipient of them, they'll likely let you know that and help you find the appropriate services, okay?

I'd suggest starting by getting somewhere safe if you can, and then contacting Women's Refuge. (And if you can't get anywhere else right now, or are worried about leaving your pets without you, just contact them from where you are.) I've referred others to them in the past before with good results. Their hotline (by phone) is: 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843. They offer a lot of different kinds of help and support, including emergency housing/shelter when it's needed, which it sounds like it is, for you.

I'll be here at work another hour or so, so if you want to start there and come back if you need more help, or support while you wait on anything for them, I'm happy to keep an eye out for your posts.

[thatisacactus]

Hi Heather,

Thank you so much for replying so fast! I am so sorry about not using paragraph breaks, it is a bad habit of mine to forget to use them when I’m writing a long message. I thought about calling the women’s helpline however I fear it would only make things worse. My family would never forgive me for calling them, I would lose my job, home and my parents trust indefinitely. I also worry that I’m perhaps being dramatic about it all as many times I’ve been told by my parents that it’s all in my head and I’m actually the one treating them like crap etc. Me calling the the helpline would be the straw that breaks the camel’s back, I think.

Since Dad told me to pack my bags and get out multiple times today, I don’t know what to do. I wouldn’t have anywhere to go and I especially wouldn’t have a job or be able to take my cats. One of my cats is a farm cat that I domesticated and tamed however he still spends a lot of time on the farm and only comes home at night. So I couldn’t take him because I wouldn’t be able to catch him during the day. There is absolutely no way I would ever leave without my cats. There is one friend I met online a few years ago who knows what my parents are like and had offered in the past to pick me up if things were bad however we haven’t met in person so I don’t know her very well and I really feel like involving other people in this is not a good idea as in the past it’s always backfired.

I am scared of Dad coming back into the house again so I have put a few cat tree posts in the door jam so he can’t open the door even if he has the key. I feel so stupid doing that but I feel very anxious knowing he could come into my house again. He tried to grab my cat before when he came in. He has major anger issues (especially with animals at times) so I feel concerned he could harm my cats or me, I guess. He scares me when he yells at me and gets in my face because he is very big compared to my 158cm.

I love my parents deep down but I don’t think I like them very much right now. They both are generally pretty nasty to animals which is ironic as they own a farm. I was just reminded of how Mum threw my boots at the dog yesterday when she was mad at me and they hit the dog. That makes me feel so sad because I love the farm dog however Dad refuses to let her be my pet and he doesn’t even feed her all the time and he is very mean to her.

[Heather]

No worries about the paragraph breaks.

So, with Women's Refuge, your family doesn't have to know that you called them. You could call, be clear about not wanting them to know, and then they can tell you your options, that given.

I want to be super clear: You are NOT being dramatic. In just your first post alone you clearly detail emotional, verbal and physical abuse. You absolutely are not emotionally safe, as a minimum. That is real, not drama. You feel scared because you are in danger, not because you're a drama queen. It is also reasonable to be afraid for your pets, both because your parents have a history of treating animals poorly and because it's very common for abusive people to also be abusive to pets. These are valid fears, not drama.

How do you feel about just making that call right now and seeing what they say? I promise you that they will not do anything without your permission, and that unless you tell your family you called them, they will not know. <3

[Heather]

Just checking in on you this morning (morning for me, anyway). I hope you’re okay.