I’m so confused about everything

[sky]

Do you think I’m weird? Like is all of this okay? Am I crazy?
I know you all say it’s okay but it doesn’t feel okay

[sky]

Also. When I masturbate I get cramps after that last like a day or two. My nails aren’t long I don’t know why this happens but it’s definitely something negative that takes away from the great experience.

[Amanda F]

Hi Mel,

I haven't had a chance to respond in detail yet, but either I or someone else will soon.

In the meantime, I'll happily tell you again no matter how many times you ask: yes, this is okay. No, I don't think you're weird. Nope, you're not crazy. Sex and sexuality are complicated things with lots of complicated feelings around them, and none of that makes you crazy or weird.

Of the family members that do support you, have you talked to them any more about this after you originally came out? Can I ask which family it is - is it someone from your immediate family? Someone you see and/or talk to often, or someone more distant?

I also want to ask whether you're seeing, or would consider seeing, someone who specializes in mental health. A therapist can help you sort through the confusing feelings you're having, as well as support you in whatever ways you need. Is that something you would try out?

[sky]

That’s okay, I can wait

Sorry I am talking so much. Can you tell I haven’t been able to really talk to anyone about this my whole life haha

I was seeing a therapist but I lost health insurance so I have to wait until like February to see her again.

It’s my aunt and her kids that don’t support it. We’re Italian so we always are together which kind of sucks and I grew up with my cousins and to know that they won’t come breaks my heart because it’s not then the fact of oh yeah I wanna get married it’s just the fact they don’t support it.

[sky]

Also I just realized I never answered a question from earlier, I wouldn’t use a toy or a vibrator because I feel bad enough putting my fingers in there. I don’t even understand the pillow thing that people on here talk about. I don’t want to put anything near it or in it it’s just scary to me

[Siân]

I'm sorry that your family are not supportive of your sexuality. Knowing that you and your partner will only be truly welcomed and accepted if they are a man is an awful place to be, and it's normal to feel a lot of loss for what might have been in the process of exploring and accepting your sexuality as a queer person. Your sexuality isn't the problem here though, your family's reaction to it is. Do you have other people in your life that ARE supportive and affirming of your sexuality? It won't make the pain of not being accepted by your family magically disappear, but being surrounded by people who love and support you for all of you - and who would want to celebrate big life events with you - certainly helps.

It sucks that you aren't able to access therapy just now. Was your therapist someone who you could talk to openly about your sexuality without judgement? Whilst you're waiting to be able to see her again, do you have some ideas of what you want to focus on when you do have another appointment?

I know Amanda has said it before but YES! Masturbation is totally okay! And if your fingers are what works for you then great, stick with that. There's nothing wrong with finding what works and just doing that if you don't feel like exploring. You talk about feeling bad about using your fingers and scared of using anything else - can you elaborate? What's scary?

[sky]

Hi,
Thank you for answering:)

Yes I was open with my therapist about it, she’s literally incredible and we could talk about anything

I do have some family and friends that support it that I can talk to about it.

And uh because I don’t want that to happen anymore I’m just going to try and stop masturbating as a whole

[sky]

I feel bad for giving myself such a great pleasure that I’ve only reached once and I want to keep doing but I don’t deserve to feel that good and happy so I am gonna try and stop. Maybe like once a month even tho I need it everyday???!!

[Siân]

So glad that you have a great therapist - even if you do have to wait a while before seeing her again.

When you say you don't want "that" to happen any more, what is "that"? You 100% DO deserve to feel that good and happy, has anyone said you don't? Don't get me wrong, if you don't feel like masturbating then you don't have to, but if you do want to but feel guilty then that's different. Where might that guilt be coming from?

[sky]

“That” is an orgasm. I do feel guilty after awhile.

I have another question to 2. You all definitely don’t need to answer I know I’ve been a lot to handle.

How do I make a move on a girl who I’m not sure her sexuality without like pushing boundaries? Because I’ve tried just being like “hey what’s your sexuality” but then they think I wanna be friends and I always get put in the friend zone.

Also, do i owe someone something in return or full on sex because they are kind to me?

[Siân]

Okay, and is the reason you don't want to orgasm that you feel guilty? Or something else?

You really haven't been a lot to handle, we're all here, answering questions and having conversations with you and people like you because we want to, because we care and because this is something we're passionate about. I'm glad you're here, we're glad you're here, please keep sharing your thoughts and asking us things - it is literally what we are here for!

No, you never, ever owe anyone any kind of sex - or even a hug - just because they are kind to you. Kind is the bare minimum that we should be to eachother and the only reason to ever have sex with someone is because YOU are excited to and you BOTH want to have sex together. Have you felt like you "should" have sex with someone?

Honestly, how to make a move on someone depends a bit on your personal style. It says a lot about you that you're considering their boundaries - that's great! When in doubt, I would usually suggest to use your words, whether it's "would you like to kiss?" or "would you like to go on a date with me?". If you're worried that you don't know their sexuality, then maybe ask them that first and then ask for the thing you'd like?

I'm heading out for the day, but there are other folks around now who will be happy to chat more to you and I'll be back over the weekend.

[sky]

The reason only is, is that it feels so good and I don’t deserve that. And I feel like it’s wrong. But maybe if I try again after talking to you all I won’t because it’s a normal thing.

Yes I feel like I have own a lot of people sex because they have tried hard to get into my pants and I don’t want them too but I feel like I owe it to them.

And okay thank you so much. That helps.

I don’t know if I can talk about this here but last night I was asked for the person I was thinking about hooking up with to see my scars (I used to cut but I have 39 days of not cutting currently but I have a lot of scars) and it really sent me over the edge and that’s a reason I am scared to be intimate with people because I have them and no one deserves to see them right? It made me really hurt and mad and now he’s blocked and I’m nervous he’ll tell someone about the cutting or all the sexual stuff I told him but I was just bored and lonely and horny I feel awful about it all

[Sam W]

You absolutely deserve to feel good, even if there are parts of your brain that are trying to tell otherwise right now. I wonder, are there other things that give you pleasure (not necessarily the sexual kind) that you don't feel guilty after doing? Or is it that you feel like you don't deserve to do anything, regardless of what it is, that makes you feel good?

With those fears about the scars, it might help to remember that our bodies are not things we "do" to other people. For instance, if you went to the pool in a swimsuit with your scars showing and other people saw them, you're not doing anything bad. You're not subjecting them to something awful,you're not having scars AT them, you're existing as a person with a body, and sometimes bodies have scars (or tattoos, or fat, or cellulite, the list goes on). Does that make sense?

Too, part of finding a partner who it's safe for you to be intimate with means finding someone who sees those scars as just one, small part of you. And if it takes some time for you to be comfortable with them seeing those scars, that's okay too; a respectful partner will be someone who gives you the space to decide when and how to share different parts of your body.

With the person last night, was there something in particular that made the request to see your scars upsetting? Or was it more that those are a part of your appearance that you have a lot of fear and sensitivity around and thinking about someone else seeing them is automatically stressful?

[sky]

Umm there’s not much that gives me a good pleasure my depression causes me to not get happy like a lot. Idk if this is a tmi but I just tried what worked the other day but a little different and it worked for like 10 second and then I lost it the first time it lasted like a full minute and I don’t feel how I did that last time either. I give up on it. Now my stomach hurts because It always does when I have my fingers in there.

It’s someone seeing them. I don’t even wear dresses or shorts anymore because of them I’m embarrassed about them. They are my fault just like everything else.
I give up on trying to have sex anymore with everyone and I don’t want to date because I’m a crappy person and don’t want to bring anyone else down too

[Sam W]

Nope, not TMI at all! Our bodies respond differently from day to day, so some days what felt good during masturbation will make us go "nah, not feeling it." So, not having this same experience this time around doesn't mean you did something bad or that you messed up.

It sounds like your brain is giving you a tough time right now, and you deserve support in dealing with that (and in pushing back against the very wrong idea it's feeding you about you'd be a bad partner). Can I ask if your therapist gave you any tools to use between sessions that you could use now? For instance, did they give you exercises to do to counteract self-hating thoughts, or to help you do things, even small ones, to care for yourself? Are there friends you could reach out to and connect with over the next few days, so you have people around you who think you're pretty rad?

Have you ever looked into accounts by people who also have self-harm scars and how they've learned to make peace with that aspect of their bodies? If not, is that something you'd like to read?

[sky]

I kind of dont have anyone. I just yelled at my sisters for sucking at teaching me things and I’m so mad at my mom. I’m honestly just so hurt I have to learn this all on the internet.

[Sam W]

It's okay to feel angry, although depending on the dynamic of your family, your sisters may not have had any more access to accurate information than you did. I will add that you're far from the first person to have to learn these things from the internet (heck, the fact that so many people do is part of why Scarleteen is exists), so you're not somehow "behind" other people for learning things this way.

You mentioned earlier that there are some friends who are supportive of your sexual orientation. Are those friends you can contact and talk with, even if it's just online or over text?

Do you have the ability to connect with your therapist at all? We're not able to offer mental health support, but we can help you brainstorm where or how you can access the support you need on that front sooner rather than later.

[sky]

I do. I just don’t really want too because they just tell me I’m accepted and not to rush. Which is stupid because I know.

And okay that makes me feel better. You all have made me feel better.

I definitely still hate myself and am scared to put myself out there but now I know what I know. I’d there things other then fingers and toys that I can use in the shower because that’s the only place I have the privacy. I need this pain after to stop tho because that sucks.

[Sam W]

What if you asked them for the space to just vent for a bit, so they knew they didn't have to try to give you advice? Too, you could ask to talk about light topics, things you both enjoy, if having a distraction from everything you're dealing with would be helpful.

I think doing what you can to push back against that self-hate is a sound step forward, and definitely something to tackle the next time you see your therapist. It can be so exhausting and scary to be in that headspace. Do you have any time over the next few days that you could set aside for self-care, even if it's just ten minutes worth?

You can actually use a shower-head to help you masturbate, and you can read about how to do that safely here: D.I.Y. Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition. I will say that, if inserting your fingers into your vagina results in your feeling pain afterwards, for now you may want to stick to outside stimulation.

[sky]

Thank you for the advice!

Outside doesn’t really work for me but maybe I’m not doing it correctly.

I do have some time for self care

So one of my coworkers isn’t talking to me which means that guy told him something and now I’m... not sure what to think or feel. Maybe he’s just having a bad day but it’s not like him at all to not talk to me

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

Outside masturbation feels good from some people, well others find it doesn't do much. There's really no wrong way to masturbate, and if you haven't already seen this article, it includes different ways to try: Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation. Really, masturbation is about exploration, and most people take some time to really find the things they do and don't like to do during it.

Great! How about you pick one or two things that you can do this weekend to take care of yourself?

I would give the situation with your co-worker at least a little time. It may be that there's some other reason he hasn't talked with you (that's not to say it's impossible that the other guy told him something, just that there's more than possible reason for his behavior).

[sky]

Thank you! so much all of you are incredible

[sky]

I have another question. Can you link me to something for safe lesbian sex? Is there even reason to use gloves and dams if the person is clean?

[Heather]

I'm sorry, Mel: I wrote a whole bunch of answers to you this morning and I thought that they posted, but it seems like they did not. I'm glad other staff took care of you, but please know I did intend to pitch in!

Safer sex information isn't different for sex between cisgender women -- or lesbians -- than it is for other people, because safer sex information is about what activities we do, not the gender or orientation of the people involved. By all means, if and when everyone involved has recently had a round of STI testing with negative results ("clean" can be a stigmatizing term, so we don't use it around here) AND have also been sexually exclusive for around six months (that second part really matters), then having sex without barriers is much less risky than it would be otherwise. But there still will be some risks even in that situation, rather than zero risk. There's really no situation in which we can be sexual with other people with no risk whatsoever of transmitted illness.

Safer sex practices -- like barrier use, testing, or things like PReP for some populations -- isn't really about things being risky or not risky so much as doing what we can to reduce risks. Make sense?

Here are our two primers about safer sex, which are relevant for lesbian sex and any other:
• All the Barriers! All the Time!
• Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To

I do want to say, though (and this was something I said in my post that didn't take this morning), that with the intense amount of shame and awfulness you have been feeling about your orientation, that it might be best for you to take some more time and get some more help, over time -- as in weeks or months or longer, if needed, not just a couple days -- working through that before you pursue sex with a partner. Engaging in sex that you feel such immense shame about can just not only make for lousy sexual experiences, it can actually sometimes be traumatic for people in that spot, and make it harder, instead of easier, to accept yourself. Emotional safety matters, too. <3

[sky]

Heather, you are absolutely incredible!!

No it’s okay don’t worry at all

Every girl I’ve talked too doesn’t have sex with them and never has, so why would they just for me?

Thank you so much.

So I’ve mentioned it before but all I do is like just play with my clit and that’s what gets me off, it’s not penetrative right? Why does it cause me pain in my stomach and that area?